Wow, you guys make me laugh - in a good way. It is nice to be predictable, or at least to be in a predictable situation.

Four days into plan B and I was singing the whole way home from the airport in my rental car, instead of sitting in the passenger seat, enduring some sort of anger/upset from H. It might be temporary, but I feel so good! Better than I have in... gosh, a long time.

I think about that POSOW and its sort of like, you can have him, I don't want him! (Him choosing her over me just makes me laugh now, if only for the fact she is an untrustable person, if not for all the other negatives I can think of).

Okay, I'm smart enough to know I'll get sad again. But I'm taking the feel good right now.

Tomorrow is the separation of the phones and new budget software for me. I will see nothing of his crap after that... (well CC, but that is scheduled to be closed in two weeks.) Also leaving the papers to remove him from the lease on the porch for him to sign, along with the rest of his personal items that are in the apartment.

I will NOT be home when he comes by.

Luna I am soooooo proud of you, you are doing great

I'm glad you understand the roller coaster. I feel like such a buzzkiller when I say 'Yes Plan B is making you feel good..TODAY'. There is a down swing every time but each downswing is littler than the last.

Two weeks till you can go truly dark? No sir. What can you do to make sure you get no information about this account from Plan B implementation until it is closed? Be creative.

What other means might he try to reach you? What accidental information might you glean? Who might blab gossip to you and ruin your nice quiet seclusion?

The harder you work and more effectively you plan to shut out light on his life/crazyness the less down days you will have.

Listen to this, she knows what she is talking about, the darker you are the better it is for you. Be pitch black!!!

Working on it today. I got a call from the credit card checking on some activity and they told me their called my husband first. I was so frustrated at that.

Had a cry after getting home and finding the lease paperwork signed without an argument.

My Dad wrote to me and told me he didn't want to contact H: "We are afraid that whatever we could do just might make the situation worse. He'd believe we are on your side whatever we'd do or say. We sure weren't much help to DS and DIL before their split and probably made it more acrimonious.

It's not a good sign that H is doing something that bothers you so much, and does it anyway. Even if it's totally innocent, It isn't love and isn't normal for a happily married couple.

We love you and hope it somehow works out okay."

I wrote back saying if they aren't comfortable contacting him, I understand, but I was asking for help and it would be good for him to see what other people think. I included his email and phone number.

Perhaps that is not the right thing to do.

I am just so mad and hurt he chose that stupid (literally, I could run circles around her), moral-less skank over me.

Yes, I did get some accidental information from someone I'm not going to talk to about it anymore. The info I got is "H is seriously thinking about divorce". Uhm, what? I have the papers right here - shouldn't the thinking have happened before then? It also told me that despite the exposure, he is not just letting go.

I'm just going to go with planned cries, not beat myself up about unplanned ones and moving on. This mess could not have come at a better time in my life in some ways, coping wise. I'm at the top of my game in a field I've wanted to get into for years and years and have supportive people 1000 miles away where I am free to spend all my time if I want.

If he wants me, he can take the rest of the school year off from those people, come down with me and come back next year when she and the rest have flunked their qualifiers and are gone.

You're doing great; especially with your Dad. Unfortunately lots of people believe love is some sort of magic elixir that does not require work or support from others. They don't know how to fix it. Your example of not taking any crap will be eye opening to people around you.

Overall I think your attitude rocks and you will do amazing.

Thanks. I cannot state enough how disappointed I am in his entire family. Not one person reached out to me. I am not asking anyone to take sides, except 'ours' as a couple, but they have been nonexistent. I took it seriously when our officiant said the family and friends around us were there to support our marriage.

I just realized I could have contacted every single graduate student TA at his school since all the emails are posted on the website. I only hit three, because that is what I could find on Facebook. Dang it. Every single one of your colleagues getting it, instead of just a few would have been much better - and much more shaming - for both of them.

I'm pretty livid because I did most of the ordering on Amazon, on his account that we decided to make 'joint'. He just went and changed access on it - I literally ordered 99% of the stuff we got from there - without telling me. Games, games, games.

Today has been terrible. I tried to get some stuff done, but being in this house is torture.

I just read Dr. Harley's article on Plan A and Plan B. I feel like I didn't do plan A enough and now have made a mistake with Plan B. Out of sight, out of mind, with a little aggravation thrown in for the exposure.

Yes, I am all over the place.

Can anyone send me links to threads where this did work?

You did not make a mistake by entering Plan B.
The posters would not advise you to enter Plan B unless you should have.

I imagine that being in your marital home is torture.
Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with for a while?
Or invite a friend over to stay with you?

I have to be in school (1000 miles away) during the week but don't know how I'm going to manage this place not being here. I'm going to come back about once every three or four weekends I think. I thought it would be okay, but so far this weekend it has not really been.

I was anxious about him coming in while I was gone, so took care of that, now I'm anxious about the lack of connection. Can't win.

I've been pushing to separate our stuff. I'm going to stop doing that. It sucks me in. I get obsessed. It pushes my control buttons. It pushes my anxiety buttons. I need to just think about something else for a while.

And I have some fantastic opportunities going on so really should not be wasting my energy worrying about some of this.

I'll get a temporary forwarding on the mail.
I'll tell the landlords, so they can look in on it.

I just hate being left with ALL of our stuff. Complete rejection of the entire marriage. Is that normal?

Yes, very normal.
My ex wife left her marriage and family (3 kids) to pursue her affair.

How long are you in school for?

You know I never really realised how mismatched my views on marriage were with other people's view of marriage until exposure.

When my husband asked me to marry him I thought he meant for better or worse, not 'let's have a party and stick near each other until I get bored'.

It's an important thing to discover about the world though. You will hear it more in people's conversations. Even those people who value the respectability and prestige of marriage don't fully sign up to it.



No biggie. As far as he knows, you did!



It's just the roller coaster, you were expecting this! You need to do something nice for yourself daily.

I'm still in the same house and though not ideal it is not impossible. No contact is the main thing. Redecorating helps.

Amazon is one of those things you need to be excluding. Think. What else is joint; where else do you have accounts together? Close and separate every point of contact.

Make sure he isn't spending your money!



Plan A is really more for men. Women give their heart entirely to the lover whereas men compartmentalise the women into two worlds. Any sign you were willing to let him cake eat would have been a grave mistake.

Plan A is also about behaving like a no-nonsense rockstar. It isn't about being a wuss. You have shown plenty of care, plenty of self-respect with your exposures and cool composure. You did great! No it is time to heal.

Sexymamabear and Herpapabear are a post Plan B success story, (she did a long Plan B and he became a respected veteran poster here) but honestly I wouldn't suggest delving into those tales.

Live like you know you are going to divorce.

JK - my school is for one more quarter - or up to six more if I choose. I was going to choose the shorter option to be back home with H, but right now I might just stay there as long as I am in plan B. It gives me something productive to do that I love while around supportive people.


Ouch. So sorry to hear that. I cannot believe what some people do. The fog really is like insanity, isn't it?

Indie - this has been a real awakening on people's views on marriage. My thoughts are we can spend as much on counseling as we did for the ceremony and then I think it's fair to quit.

You are right about the something nice daily. I was sleep deprived and had faulty thinking = "I can only take a break if I am hanging around H". Wrong. I gave myself the day off and feel much better now after sleeping in quite late.

It is hard to reconcile that I let bad stuff go on for a long time, so expecting any sort of change in a short amount of time is probably not realistic, if ever. Hanging in there.

I have a question. The last time my husband I split for a significant amount of time (we were dating), I coped by eventually starting to date someone else. He came back around when he found that out (and lots of coaxing from me about hanging out as friends).

I feel like there is a fundamental difference between that as daters and Plan B for a marriage, but at the same time I am really lonely. What is the proper approach? Get some anti-depressants and tough it out? If I date someone else, I feel like I would be doing exactly what I told him was not okay. And it would feel really skeevy, to be honest.

My heart tells me the answer is to fill my time with girlfriends and things I like to do and try to be patient.

Do I set a personal time limit for plan B and stick with it and try not to think about it and just concentrate on myself?

H has been prompt and compliant about my requests for getting off the lease and paying off the credit card on the joint account so I can close it. I'm not sure if that means anything at all. At this point silence is probably better than getting the request to sign the decree.

Luna,

Separated while married is still married.
It is wrong to date others while married.

Besides, if you did date while separated you would only be picking up adulterers and similar low life scum.
Most reputable single men will NOT date a woman separated from her husband.

That is what I thought. Thanks JK