|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
Why are you saying that WW makes a terrible single parent?
Is it based on a research or just your personal rationalisation?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Why are you saying that WW makes a terrible single parent?
Is it based on a research or just your personal rationalisation? Actually, research shows that single mothers do a horrible job of raising kids. However, waywards are worse...because they set no moral guidance. Many also place their kids at risk when they leave their husbands for a scumbag.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
What kind of research? Any reference?
Rationally speaking, my kids love their mother. They need her even if she is W.
Last edited by GoodNight81; 05/08/14 11:45 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
Anyway, we are f. up.
Whatever will happen, their will see our example. No honor, no loyality.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
What kind of research? Any reference?
Rationally speaking, my kids love their mother. They need her even if she is W. Dr. H talked about a study on the radio show about children raised in single father home's compared to single mother's. Here it is: MATERIAL REFERENCED: Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn Dr. Harley's Radio Clip on Fatherless America Study at 7:20 Mark
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391 |
What kind of research? Any reference?
Rationally speaking, my kids love their mother. They need her even if she is W. Dr. H talked about a study on the radio show about children raised in single father home's compared to single mother's. Here it is: MATERIAL REFERENCED: Fatherless America by David Blankenhorn Dr. Harley's Radio Clip on Fatherless America Study at 7:20 MarkGood clip to listen to and also well articulated reviews in favor of the books premise when i looked them up. I personally believe it has become more pertinent in BBB today's times, even 19 years after it was 1st published. LTL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
An update.
Her affair is ended. OM ended the affair. She is still in love.
She gave in divorce papers.
She is not a zombie anymore with me, however, she says she cannot be my wife again. We can raise the children as friends, this is her position.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964 |
GoodNight,
You wrote,Her affair is ended. OM ended the affair. She is still in love.
Let OM understand that he is in your crosshairs for the rest of his life for what he did to your children.
God Bless
Gamma
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
An update.
Her affair is ended. OM ended the affair. She is still in love.
She gave in divorce papers.
She is not a zombie anymore with me, however, she says she cannot be my wife again. We can raise the children as friends, this is her position. So, what is your position? If you want your wife back, here is your chance. She is not going to automatically fall back in love with you. You are going to have to make that happen.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
To be honest I want to have a nice family life.
Two small children! Lads, 3 and 5 year old boys!!!
If she can love me, family life with her is my preference.
If she cannot love me, I don't know.
Her preference is raising children together as friends or kind of good neighbours. This is her very clear statement based on our marriage history.
In contrast I want her to love me and choose me by her heart!
I have no clue how she will desire me again. This is the key. If she would have the desire, we could build a family. If she doesn't have, I can be a nice divorced daddy.
Basically it's plan A what I'm doing at the moment.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
To be honest I want to have a nice family life.
Two small children! Lads, 3 and 5 year old boys!!!
If she can love me, family life with her is my preference.
If she cannot love me, I don't know.
Her preference is raising children together as friends or kind of good neighbours. This is her very clear statement based on our marriage history.
In contrast I want her to love me and choose me by her heart!
I have no clue how she will desire me again. This is the key. If she would have the desire, we could build a family. If she doesn't have, I can be a nice divorced daddy.
Basically it's plan A what I'm doing at the moment. Sir, have you read Surviving an Affair?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 56 |
Yes, I read it. What part of the book do you want to emphasize?
As I see it, the book is nice, but to recover from an affair, the unfaithful spouse has to want the recovery as well.
My wife, she says, "I don't want to be your wife. I want you to be my partner in raising children, but not a wife." Her statement is, that she tried to be a good wife, she failed, so she doesn't want it anymore.
I'm wondering how Plan A or Plan B would help with this statement.
My understanding is, you cannot force to be loved.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
It sounds as if your wife has fallen out of love with you. Plan A is to help get her back in love with you. However, if you do not think that possible and do not wish to try, Plan B is to remove yourself from the situation and have no contact with her. Plan B is not to win a spouse back, but rather to protect your love bank from depletion, and protect you from the affair.
All your wife is saying is "I want my cake and I want to eat it too." This is classic affair thinking, it does not make your situation an exception to the program.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
My wife, she says, "I don't want to be your wife. I want you to be my partner in raising children, but not a wife." Her statement is, that she tried to be a good wife, she failed, so she doesn't want it anymore. Countless WW have told their husbands this. She does not love you. That is a given. But, as a BH, you have a very good chance of winning her love if you follow the program and as long as you are the only man depositing love units. Many BHs have brought their hateful WWs back. You need to be focused less on what she is willing to do at the moment, and more on making her fall in love with you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I'm wondering how Plan A or Plan B would help with this statement.
My understanding is, you cannot force to be loved. Actually, Marriage Builders is a program to essentially do that - to change your wife's feelings, by changing your behavior. To some extent it can happen even if your wife doesn't believe in it happening, if you can get her to spend time with you. Many of us including myself have gone through the process of winning over a reluctant wife. Her feelings and her beliefs change completely when she is in love with her husband again. Have you fully exposed the affair? Personally informed her family, friends, clergy, employer (if a workplace affair), and children over the age of 4? This is the first step. Has she completely cut off contact with her affair partner? This is the next step.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
An update.
Her affair is ended. OM ended the affair. She is still in love.
She gave in divorce papers.
She is not a zombie anymore with me, however, she says she cannot be my wife again. We can raise the children as friends, this is her position. This is a DAILY program. Your post arrives to us in October, having last posted in May. You have got to work every DAY to make this program work. When this program is applied DAILY, great results are possible.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Two small children! Lads, 3 and 5 year old boys!!! The best possible outcome for those boys is for their mother and father to be in love with each other for life. In contrast I want her to love me and choose me by her heart! That is exactly what happens after a man makes enough love bank deposits into his account in his wife's Love Bank. In fact, that is the only time it happens. People all over the world fall in love every day. It is relatively easy to achieve. I have no clue how she will desire me again. Dr. Harley has helped thousands of husbands achieve this result with their wives.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Yes, I read it. What part of the book do you want to emphasize?
As I see it, the book is nice, but to recover from an affair, the unfaithful spouse has to want the recovery as well.
My wife, she says, "I don't want to be your wife. I want you to be my partner in raising children, but not a wife." Her statement is, that she tried to be a good wife, she failed, so she doesn't want it anymore.
I'm wondering how Plan A or Plan B would help with this statement.
My understanding is, you cannot force to be loved. What we do is show you how to cause her to fall in love. Eventually, it takes both people to make a marriage work, but we can help you in this process.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
313
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,965
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
