Actually I have been healing personally. It's just taking longer. I have explained why I can't fully plan B several times. I am trying Plan A. Not too much interaction but so far so good.

Blind,

Nothing as changed you falter and waver about like a fish out of water ignoring the gentle and sometimes forceful push back to sea. Have you read Lovebusters? I've been following your thread and your language through typed word is appalling! It is full of direspectful judgements and soap box lectures. I for one believe if your ex comes back to you, you would use her affair as a means to have more power over her in the relationship.

I don't know you or her but from a unbiased outside perspective this rings true. Change is hard, trust me I know but at the same time blaming your WW for everything and being disrespectful won't help your cause at all. My challenge to you is to read the Lovebusters book if you haven't and if you have read it again. Then look at your messages to your ex and edit them in a respectful matter, without all the blameshifting and finger pointing. Clean up your side of the street not for your ex but for yourself. NO EXPECTATIONS!

After the walmart misunderstanding, I have no engaged in any of that behavior. If you'd like, I can take a while to transcribe every single text conversation we have had since then. I't pretty boring but there are no disrespectful judgments (from me anyway), and I haven been nothing but amiable. She has been a bit more conversational also. After the feedback I got from the walmart incident (RW as well) I have changed my approach. I am making an attempt at some kind of Plan A, since I have been heretofore wavering about.

When anyone here did a Plan A, did you do anything proactive? In other words, were you simply nice to them, or did you offer unsolicited compliments and that sort of thing? I'm not sure it is the right time for stuff like that yet, but I want to ease into it when I do see an opportunity.

Blindsided,

I would not waste your time pursuing a woman who you think of the way you think of her.

You are looking for a relationship without radical honesty (hiding how you really feel) with a woman that you clearly do not have loving thoughts towards.

What woman wants to be vulnerable and intimate with someone who despises and reviles her the way your thoughts do to her? It just isn't fair to her to pretend otherwise, and waste her time and her emotional energy and disrupt her life ....all for a lie on your part.

I wish I could have other advice for you. But I can't advise you to sucker her into a relationship where you feel about her the way you do, mostly for your convenience of having your family back together again. It just isn't fair to her.

You are better to work on purifying your own thoughts so you can look forward to a new relationship without the doublemindedness that you display here.

All the best,
Sunnytimes

This illustrates my point.

Sometimes your reactions to her are like internalized anger outbursts. Angry outbursts aren't just loud/cussing/shouting reactions, they are any word or deed meant to hurt the other person.

In many cases you do communicate your outbursts, but you have them internally all the time even when you don't.

But back to the point: you can't tell us that you are in love with someone that you think of in this way.

Yeah, I did a lot that was proactive. The most proactive thing I did is to stop being a whining, self-entitled pansy and took responsibility for what I could control; MY OWN ACTIONS.

That's where you need to start.

And if you are so damned thin-skinned and sensitive, and over-reactive with ANONYMOUS STRANGERS, I don't care if you can transcribe her thoughts, we KNOW you act like a jerk.


My question; are you ready to learn how to not be an a-hole?

Please do not disregard this as it is good advice. Put your pride aside. Do you want to be right or win your ex back? DO YOU OWN LOVEBUSTERS BY DR. HARLEY. It is important that you get this book. As men we are disrespectful to our wives and don't even know it. This book will help you see that also you semm to be a very angry person. I suggest you take a anger managment class. Most churches give them for free.

Blindsided, is going after your xWW a form of self validation or revenge?

I have flipped through about 10 random pages of your thread to refresh my recollection, and you really have just bitterness and hatred towards her.

Please plainly answer us why you are still interested in re-marrying her.

Having a wife who is 20 years younger is a huge ego boost...

However, there are 2 little girls involved and for their sake, I would try to Plan A for limited period of time.

Dr Harley said that most of affairs die natural death within 2-3 years, so, I would stick with Plan A for that time in hope that her affair would die.

However, Plan A is not just compliments - plan A means that you try to meet your exWW ENs to the extend you can (or she allows you) and fully eliminate your LBs.

The other thing - your marriage was in quite bad condition before the divorce, so, very unlikely, that your eWW would like to return to the marriage like that. You should offer her the idea of new marriage, with all changes on your side - than it might be a hope...

I agree with some of your assessments. She wouldn't want to return to the old me and I certainly wouldn't want to replay those days, either.

Regarding the age difference, it is not an ego boost. I actually spurned her advances for months before I even considered her as a partner. She is the one who wanted to date me. Even though I found her attractive, the age difference was a big hurdle for me. She originally tried to get me together with her sister who is 12 years older than her.

It is not self-validation in the way that you mean, either. I got married at 39. I lived with one past girlfriend for two years during all my single years. I can deal with living alone - under ordinary circumstances. The problem I have is that marriage is such a huge deal for me, the commitment, especially with 2 kids. I miss them every single day, and I miss my xW also. The three of them are my first thought when I wake up and my last thought when I go to sleep.

I do think the door is open for reconciliation, personally. She has done little things that tell me she is interested in what I am doing. For example, my daughter told me on 3 different occasions that they have looked for my house. My daughter could never remember the exact house, but one day they looked after work when I had not pulled my truck into the garage and she found out that way.

So why are you interested in marrying someone who you STILL feel bitterness and resentment towards?

Someone who you thinks places her needs above her (your) children's needs?

Who only cared about getting laid by men?

With whom it is pointless to hope for any changes?

You keep saying that you USED to be the person who disrespects her but you aren't anymore.

Please see the prior post I made, above, recently, proving otherwise.

You are STILL very despising and hateful of her, in the clips above AS WELL AS IN EVERYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT HER TO THIS DAY.


So answer the question we have asked you 500 times:


WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HER AGAIN WHEN YOU FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT HER?

I have answered your questions already in previous posts. I am on to how to do a proper Plan A.

Actually, you didn't.

You keep waiting for some time and then starting a different post.

We still don't understand why you want to marry someone you currently think of in this way.

Let me rephrase. The answers can be found in this thread.

Sorry so terse before - at work or commuting most of the time during the week and posting from my phone. Makes it hard to be verbose.

I have explained before that my frame of mind most of the time is different than what it is when I come here and post stuff when I am POed at my xW for something. I do not think of her in the terms that you think I do because of certain things you pull from my posts. By the way, I have every right to be angry with her for what she did and continues to do. I am not really angry anymore, but it still hurts when she does things like unload a couple bags of my clothes from her car like she did Sunday. Not too encouraging, but at the same time it makes me wonder why she hasn't done it before now. She still has a LOT of my stuff in that house that belongs to me. I am not going to speculate, though.

It doesn't help it when she shows up tonight to drop the girls off and she looks freaking gorgeous. I want to tell her how good she looks and how much I am attracted to her, but ya know.. I don't feel like I should.

Sir,

I understand that you often post when you are angry with your ex wifes actions.

I think the issue that some have is with how you respond to her actions: through disrespectful judgements (even if made online)

Now, if she looks nice you can always say: "Hi, how are you doing? You look very nice this evening."
And then listen to her respond...just listen

Blindsided, first of all, you are very dismissive of her feelings and focused on your own. Those snippets were all your words, sir, recent words, and in every case you are choosing to think only of yourself and not take into any account her feelings or her perspective.

Over.and.over.and.over.and.over.

I just don't think you love her. You have never said anything that you miss about her other than you don't believe in divorce so she SHOULD still be with you. Or that you want your family together.

Those are your own selfish reasons, and have nothing to do with whether or not you actually love her.

Dr. Harley's definition of love is having a threshold of deposits in your love bank. I have read nothing in your posts that indicate you have one - quite the opposite.

And until you make substantial changes to your mindset, I don't think you're capable of it.

Your reactions in your posts are always all about you.

I'm wondering if I should start text conversations with her. Part of me wants to just tell her how I feel and that I want her back. I doubt that would do anything.