She was in an unhappy marriage where her needs were not being met. So once somebody (anybody) started meeting her needs she fell in love. It's not that hard to figure out.

Right. Plan A is supposed to siphon off some of that so she'll reconsider her choices, no? I have no idea if he is still meeting her needs, or if she has realized that he can never meet certain needs. I can assume some of that is happening, based on what I've read.

Sometimes I feel like I should pull out all the stops and pursue her like it's my job. I have a feeling that is what she responds to.

Had a very interesting encounter with the xW last Friday. Ya know, if anyone really wants to hear. I expect all I will get is more criticism no matter what I say.

Must we prod you for details?

I don't know, dude, all I have gotten is crap from almost everyone. I am posting less frequently because of it. I have a friend who hears a lot of my b*tching, and he has been through all of this, and had his marriage restored. He understands that I am just unloading and it doesn't affect my interactions with my xW, but nobody here seems to understand that. This whole process is very frustrating.

Blindsided, I've been following your thread, because I'm in the midst of divorce proceedings myself. The comments you are receiving are harsh. I definitely think they could be worded more gently. However, the advice you are receiving is sound. Try to look past the delivery to the truth within the advice. If you want to restore your marriage, you are going to have to have a radical shift in your thinking and attitude. You do not show these things to your wife, that is true. But they will come through regardless of whether you actually voice these things to her or not. It's not fair that she's done this to you, and it's not fair that you have to be the one to make all the changes (at first). But the fact of the matter is that she doesn't want marriage restoration, you do. Your subconscious is affecting your interactions with her whether you realize it or not. You need to let go of all the resentment. You will know you have when you no longer feel the need to vent.

Anyway, take this advice or leave it. It's what I've gleaned from your thread, but I haven't saved my marriage yet.

By the way, I'm rooting for you.

Thanks. I hope your situation works out also.

I will post last Friday's interactions when I can. Face-to-face and texts. It was interesting.

Blindsided,

I am much younger and a woman, but I think our personalities are kind of the same. When someone wrongs me it is very hard for me to hide my total and utter contempt. I think that is why I have had so much trouble reconciling with my husband even when he agreed to quit his job and move. I think I contributed to ruining that attempt because I just could not get past the anger...and so he went straight back to her. Going straight back to her was his choice, of course. But the failed attempt was at least partially my fault becasue I was engaging in some many LBs.

I am just reading His Needs, Her Needs (already read surviving an affair) and it is really true that new habits are HARD to form, especially after your spouse blows up your marriage. However, what struck me was how Dr. H mentioned that these habits will feel really contrived at first. I think that is important to recognize. That emotions will follow actions, but you may need to fake it until you make it. I am taking that to heart and perhaps you should to in your interactions with your wife.

Since your interactions are so short, I think it is a good opportunity to really concentrate on the vibe and tone you are sending out to her. Really focus on being the kind of spouse that both you and her would want you to be. In addition, try not to vent so much about her. That is what I am doing as well. The venting just leads to more negative thoughts, leads to more contempt, etc. I am now trying to either just stop thinking about him completely when I think something negative or think about some past positive action and then stop thinking about it. It's helping me not totally hate him even though I am in Plan B. Maybe that would work for you as well.

Blind,
You have gotten a lot of great feedback on this thread, and the recent posts are both supportive and right on target. I hope you take them to heart. Can an old dog learn new tricks? Anything is possible with God.

PigletWiglet,
Terrific post and so well expressed. And I think that HNHN's is Dr. Harley's master piece. I'm glad you are reading it. That book completely changed my view of marriage and made me realize how delicate marriages are and that the embers of romantic love can stay stoked through proper care. Who would have ever thought that romance was simple arithmetic?

I agree. I think the interaction I will post will seem positive. Ya know, when I get time to post it. Picking a friend up at the airport tonight for a long weekend of troublemaking. Might not get to it til next week.

Wow.. so I have been busy since last post. I had a lengthy interaction with my ex wife a week before that I thought might be a bit hopeful and I was going to post, but some things have happened since then that have erased any hope I may have had. She went to AZ for a weekend, with the POSOM, went to an AZ Cardinals game (ended up on TV, yay for them), and this past weekend she was off work on Saturday again to go out of town somewhere with him. True love indeed. It has been 3 1/2 years (at least), 2 1/2 years out in the open, and it looks like it's never going to end.

A few weeks ago my 5 year old told me "[POSOM} beat me up" to which I about flipped. This past weekend I finally got the story out of her, and of course "beat up" means something different to a 5 year old. Regardless, he hurt her, caused her pain, and this happened while the xW was int he bathroom getting a bath ready. My daughter was still crying when she went into the bathroom, and she said {POSOM} beat me up." My xW's reply? "Did he beat you up or did you beat him up?" Unbelievable. She basically ignored it and tried to make a joke about it. She was CRYING and she told me that he hurt her leg. This is not the first time she has complained to me about him hurting her.

I have told her father (ex FIL) about it and offered him an opportunity to talk to her about that and the entire situation. No one in her family has said anything to her about anything, which really surprises me, since they are supposed to be devout Christians. I guess if one of their relatives were hooked on heroin, they would do nothing until the day they had to ID the body.

Anyway, I know that if I call CPS on him, the chance of ever restoring my marriage and family will be zero. They take complaints very seriously here. If I do, they will probably file a restraining order against him on my behalf, and it will seriously impair the xW's current swingin single lifestyle.

What to do.

I would call CPS anyway.

Your daughter is being abused.

Protect your daughter.

I don't have definitive information, though. I know she doesn't like the POSOM, but I find out she's sitting on him while this "abuse" is taking place, so I really don't know what is going on. She could say that I hurt her, too, when I resort to swatting her butt once or twice at those (few) times when I have exhausted all other discipline options.

I don't need something like this to backfire, ya know?

You need to find out more about what is happening. Continue to talk your daughter and dig for more information.

Hi Blindsided,

"This is not the first time she has complained to me about him hurting her."

This would be a big red flag to me regarding her safety. Like Justthe3of us stated you need to pursue this further. Maybe your daughter is exaggerating, but as her dad you need to err on the side of caution for her sake and investigate. IMHO this guy should not be touching your daughter much less 'roughhousing with her!! If you're downplaying your daughter's complaints and possible abuse because a necessary CPS intervention would damage your chances for rec. with your ExW, then shame on you!

Tom

I understand what you are saying. I just don't know exactly what is going on. I don't want it to backfire on me, either. I am keeping my ears open and ask the girls every week if anything has happened. If I feel that it is a real problem, I will call the state and have a discussion. I haven't had any negative words with the xW for many months now. Things have been very civil.

I've been in a form of Plan A at least all summer (including the walmart incident, which was a misunderstanding - she's the one who got mad, not me). Anyway, I have made her father aware of it and I had hoped he would have said something to her a couple weekends ago when they were all at the xW's sister's house. But the xW and POSOM went to the Cardinals game and were MIA the whole time he was there (That did not sit well with her sister, either, since she ended up being little more than a babysitter that weekend).

I keep getting frustrated and venting to my buddy,who keeps giving me this advice that all I need to do is pray and God will fix everything. That's what worked for him, so it surely must work for me. I keep hearing about how this "affair" is going to end sooner or later, meanwhile it has been 3 years and it seems to be doing quite well. Or maybe it's just a relationship of convenience since neither of them have found anyone else yet. Maybe she is waiting for me to SAY something, or DO something so we can get a dialogue going, who knows. I still doubt that she will ever apologize or come to me on her own and tell me that she made a mistake and wants to reconcile.

A little ray of sunshine, though - my 3-year old said "Out family should be together" as soon as we pulled out of the parking lot when I picked them up. She has heard that from me a number of times, but maybe she is starting to understand also.

I also saw on the POSOM's FB page that he posted a picture of himself riding one of those kid's rides in the walmart vestibule, like he was some kind of comedian. Frankly I think it makes him look like an immature idiot, but what do I know. I did notice that it got a like from my nephew in Virginia. WTF is up with that? Has my entire family accepted this POS? This is my brother's kid, I think he is 15 or 16 now. I haven't talked to my brothers in almost 2 years. I became this outcast as soon as all this separation/divorce went down. I don't know why family members do that, but I have heard that it has happened to other people. It's like the husband is always the bad guy no matter what.

That's all for now.

This thread is nearly two years old and no progress with plan a. You seem to be doing a little better though.

Since you are divorced, I would move forward with your life and get into plan b since you have not committed to an assertive plan a. Dwelling on your ex-wife and her affair partner is making you perpetually miserable, and that is the opposite result that the MB Program is designed for.

Blindsided,

Your younger daughter is 3 now... Do you believe the affair started before she was born?

I mean it's not typical situation that a woman would start an affair while she is pregnant.

Paternity teat time.