Yeah, that was the case in my exhusband's affair actually.

During the fantasy of the affair he greatly enjoyed playing house and became very attached to the kids. He was already their godfather. He started messing around with their mother after his best friend, their father died.

When I discovered the A he told everyone he wasn't going to 'abandon' them. As soon as exposure hit and I shut off contact with them he dumped her and them and set off for the furthest country he could find.

See what you've described about seamlessly taking on children after you've blown their world apart and replaced their dad is a fantasy. One I'm sure he believed; but he was wrong.

I am sure he has discovered by now how much they miss their dad and that they are confused and scared. Affair partners come up with a lot of imaginary scenarios which gloss over the realities of life; don't you do it too!

You are lonely because you are still out in the middle of a battlefield taking pot shots of misery.

When we are lonely even a disusting affair which has ripped apart the lives of innocent children seems better than nothing.

I'm sensing that you are grieving the loss of your future plans. You wanted to extend your family didn't you?

We know all about that. We have been there. Though the pain is inexpressable; there is a very direct path to happiness which cuts out all the nonsense. We got through it you will too.

Are you sleeping and eating OK?

My point is that most men don't like that!! You may think that sounds very desirable because of your natural maternal instincts, but he doesn't have those instincts.

I am now eating okay. I lost 30 pounds there in the beginning. Sleeping? Not so much. Like I said before, my dreams are full of him, her, old us, his family, just tons of really, really disturbing things. Panic attacks hit me only at night. So, my sleeping is definitely NOT what it should be. I'm afraid of sleep aids because the panic attacks make me feel like I could die in my sleep. It's a vicious cycle!

Someone else's kids is a nightmare for him. That is not "living it up," it is another factor that will kill off his affair faster.

x2

OW will get tired of him sitting around while she does everything else. If he doesn't do so already he will go back to that habit more than likely. Her kids aren't his kids. When they start annoying him for whatever reason the lovebusting will start...it probably already has. Reality can never live up to the fantasy they built. He traveling, she's going on trips to partytown without him...stuff like they are behaviors that will deepen mistrust between them...which is why she had to send naked pics to him....it's pretty pathetic when you think about logically. They already know they both lied and cheated on their spouses. The truth of that reality makes APs very insecure which leads to more lovebusters.

Have you considered taking ADs? You aren't going to die in your sleep. A sleep aid may do wonders for you. Since you live with your parents they are also around to help with DD while you get some sleep.

And about extending the family, yes, we both did. He wanted to start trying for another child in September, but those plans were put on hold due to the illness and death of his grandmother. If I had gotten pregnant I may have been a pregnant ex-wife. I shudder at the thought.

You might find this thread insightful.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478315#Post2478315

What happens is more the rule than the exception.

I read this! It knocked me off my feet!! It was a totally different perspective that what I imagine things to be with them in my mind. However, my mind tells me that they are different. There are couples that marry the person they had an affair with that stay together, and my mind tells me that they are one of those couples. that's MY MIND though, not reality. I just don't want to hold on to the hope that one day they crash and burn and that never happen. I have GOT to figure out how to try to move past this and go on with my life at some point. It's just a matter of getting in that state of mind, because right now, I am FAR from it. Some days I feel like I could take on the world but those are few and far between especially every other weekend when I am brought back to the harsh reality that I have to be away from my daughter due to his selfsh choices.

You will be Ok!

But seriously honey no contact is such a priority. So much time in contact, taking so much abuse, will have done a real number on your health.

I was about several months into Plan B before my sleep got anywhere near normal.

Every time you see him; you think about him. Next thing you know both the day and the night has gone by and all you've done with your precious time is burn with resentment.

With NC - you just get further and further away from that pain because you have stopped adding to it with the trauma of contact.

Even when you go NC and the triggers of contact stop; it is still a while before your mind stops whirring.

He does not get to live in your mind rent free!

How and where are you doing child exchanges now? What does your custody order say about who picks up/drops off DD? It may be an easy fix for NC if that is your only contact with him.

Generally those couples in affair-marriages were not exposed. They have ruined two set of families to 'be together' and then they cannot leave for fear of looking foolish.

I lived next door to a couple who had made an affairage survive TWENTY years! I thought to myself they must be the exception to the MB rule but then I started to see it was all a bit too perfect. Too creepy. Their kids were not even allowed to wear old clothes or do messy play. They were like a walking advert.

Two years after I signed up here I found her bleeding in her driveway. Her Husband/Other Man had beaten her with his PHONE. They had been alcoholics for years and the perfect kids are now in the juvenile courts.

No you don't 'hold out hope' for their demise - however certain it is. I say that to you as someone who opted for divorce.

What you do is you make an incredible new life for yourself. Sometimes this amazing new life is something which draws the wayward spouse out of the affair and into real redemption but the important thing is to save YOU. To get you a whole new life. To do that you have to close off the old one.

Most affairs die a natural death within 2 years. But for those that stay together, that does not mean they are *happily* together. Like Indie said, even if they appear to be happy, you only know what they want you to know. They have tremendous pressure to make it appear that it was all worth it.

I know a man who had a 3 yr affair. His wife eventually found out, they ended up divorcing (against her desire I believe) and he has now moved in with his AP. So it all worked out for him right?

Wrong. His adult daughter will not speak to him. His mother is so disappointed she has had health problems, and his family in general is not accepting of the mistress AT ALL. I have heard through the grapevine that the mistress is now obsessed with checking his phone, very distrusting of him, and they are starting to fight over her 'insecure and controlling' ways. I have heard through the grapevine that he is not so happy with her anymore, now that real life is setting in. But, to the naked eye, they appear very happy.

But you need to not worry about how your ex and his mistress are. You need to worry about how YOU are.

Thanks to all of you who have replied. Sometimes it helps to hear from those who have been through this and seen it so many times through groups such as this. I am currently focusing on MYSELF, that's so very hard, but it's a must! Sometimes it's terribly hard to stop forgetting about what he did to our family and WHY, but I assume that's something I will never understand. Even through the emotional affair, and sexual affair after I left the residence to give him some time to think things through he still decided it would be better for our daughter if we split. After being with him from a very young age, he is all I've ever known. It's going to be very tough, but I don't have a choice but to move forward.

You will be fine if there is no contact. A certain amount of thinking about him as you are processing/grieving is inevitable; that's OK as long as you don't dwell and are working a life plan focused on you.

What we don't want is you gaining *new* painful information to process. If you are constantly getting painful news about him/the affair (which can safely be described as any news) then you will never get through that grieving and processing.