I'm just wondering something. I've read this forum for the past couple of days, and it seems that the general consensus is that an extra-marital affair survives on secrecy and fantasy and once the secrecy is broken, the fantasy also goes out the window (i.e. in the Exposure 101 post).

So my question to you is this: What are your opinions/thoughts on (and what advice would you give) if you or someone you knew had a breakdown in the marital relationship such that the wayward spouse made NO effort to hide the affair? Wayward spouse was open and honest from the beginning that something was going on, and betrayed spouse was hurt and upset (let's assume this wasn't an open relationship) and wanted to fix things. Is there coming back from that? How do you address that if it's clear that wayward spouse isn't hiding it from anybody? Let's also assume that the partner in the affair isn't too worried about the potential consequences of being outed to friends and family, as it were, if you would like, you could assume they come from "that kind of family." I'm just curious, the whole strategy for dealing with a wayward spouse seems to be exposing them to all and sundry, and what would you do if that didn't work?

Most affairs die within 6 months of exposure.
Only around 5% make it past the two year mark.
Exposure kills most affairs.

The purpose of exposure is to a) gain moral support for the betrayed spouse and b) ruin the affair. So even if the WS is "open" about his/her adultery, the exposure would still benefit the BS. It would also alert others to guard their own marriages around the WS.

But how would that benefit the marriage if the wandering spouse wasn't concerned? Do you just give up and divorce at that point?

It benefits the betrayed spouse very much when he/she gains support from others.

What I'm talking about is a complete breakdown in the marital relationship before the affair takes place, so that when the affair takes place, the wandering spouse is already emotionally distant from the betrayed spouse. Is there saving that relationship?

Okay, I guess that's the best answer I'm going to get. Thanks.

You just described about 99.99% of marriages that experience affairs. The marriage was broken before the affair and the betrayed spouse and wayward spouse are emotionally distant. And yes, those marriages can be saved.

I guess I need to read up on some of the other strategies, the only one I've read so far is Exposure. Then maybe I can come back at my question more intelligently.

Why do you want to know this?

It's honestly more curiosity than anything. I had a friend a while back whose marriage had broken down to the point that it was pretty much a divorce that hadn't happened yet. H ended up in an affair and left her, she made tentative steps towards trying to reconcile but he wasn't interested and it did end up with them divorcing. Now I'm curious if maybe I could have offered advice to help her save her marriage or if I could offer advice in the future. I personally have not experienced cheating or divorce.

Was the friend open with everyone about his affair?

I was friends with the betrayed spouse, but yeah to my knowledge he was open about it. She called his parents and relatives but I don't know the extent to what happened after that.

Typically when a WS is "open" about the affair he lies about it to others. And/or he only is open to gullible people or enablers. WS's only want to hang out with enablers. The way a WS will "expose" is to tell everyone that his "marriage didn't work out and we have decided to move on. We have had problems for years. In the meantime, since we broke up I have met a new person." When, in truth, the WS broke up for the affair. The WS spins the story and blames the breakup of the marriage on the BS. This is why exposure is so critical, so others can get the true story.

A wayward, for example, is not going to call up his parents and say "hey, I just dumped my wife for some skankhoe!" [which is the truth] He is going to spin the story and go into a long, convoluted story about how his BS "ignored me for years" and "we were never really in love....' blah, blah, blah.

So, if you are the parent of a married child, which scenario would propel you into action?

1. son calls you up and says his marriage has ended and he is breaking up with his wife. he has a good "friend" [OW] at work who is supporting him in this trying time

2. daughter in law calls you up and tells you that your son is having an affair with some hoe from work. She asks for your help in saving her marriage and asks you to use your influence to persuade son to end his affair

There are too many unknown variables. Some BSs say they exposed but they really didn't expose properly. A WS can say/act like they don't care but often times they do...you won't know until you expose though so a BS should. If a BS truly has a WS who simply doesn't care if people think he/she is a flaming POS and continues the in-your-face affair...a BS is better off separated or divorced ak as Plan B and D.

This happens all the time.
Someone having an affair, when caught and exposed often says "We were already separated but just living together as roomates."

"We are already emotionally divorced. We cant afford a lawyer so we just live together for the kids"

etc etc.

Dr. Harley's methods should still be applied as these are normal wayward excuses for affairs.