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This woman may be the "right one" but unfortunately it is the wrong time, wrong place, if you know what I mean. You have a lot of work to do before you can truly experience a happy healthy relationship. This was/is your "exit" affair. It doesn't just stop being that. It will always be. She will always be the woman you left your marriage for, the reason why you did the selfish thing instead of the right thing. This woman will unlikely keep you happy for long. But like you said, people stay with the affair partner, despite unhappiness, to save face, or something like that? You deserve better than that. It's time to be alone, reflect and work on yourself and prepare yourself for something really honorable and special. He doesn't know what you mean. He is so in love with this woman and getting his love bank filled that this is the best thing since apple pie to him.
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Does anyone here have the ability to be positive? There is so much negativity and so many false assumptions made. I don't expect for anyone here to truly understand my situation, how could you? Every relationship is different, but my goodness so much negativity. Can you guys just express positive and encouraging words? Ultimately people are imperfect, every relationship is imperfect, and positivity and encouragement is what will sustain a relationship, faith and hope, not knowledge alone. Come on guys, can't you see that?
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He doesn't know what you mean.
He is so in love with this woman and getting his love bank filled that this is the best thing since apple pie to him. Can you appreciate this sounds like you are calling me stupid? We learned in kindergarten not to speak like this. Dear God of course I understand what is being said, my Lord I worked on my marriage for 16 years. Of course I understand, that's what I keep trying to explain, but you guys just keep on assuming I don't get it. Goodness sakes...
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He doesn't know what you mean.
He is so in love with this woman and getting his love bank filled that this is the best thing since apple pie to him. We learned in kindergarten not to speak like this. Dear God of course I understand what is being said, my Lord I worked on my marriage for 16 years. Of course I understand, that's what I keep trying to explain, but you guys just keep on assuming I don't get it. Goodness sakes... Sir, I didn't call you stupid. But you are in "the fog" and not thinking rationally. People in love don't think rationally. There have been thousands of poems and songs and psychological studies about how people in love dont think clearly. In your case, it's even worse because you didnt enter this relationship as a healthy individual.
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Ultimately people are imperfect, every relationship is imperfect, and positivity and encouragement is what will sustain a relationship, faith and hope, not knowledge alone. Come on guys, can't you see that? Sir, Rational thinking should be the basis for all decisions. During WW2, the Allies didnt just have faith and hope in winning the war; they carefully planned and double checked their plans prior to marching into battles. Emotions do not create reality. You can have 4 apples, but if you take away 2 the sum remaining will always be 2. No matter how much your emotions desire for there to be 3 apples.
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There is so much negativity and so many false assumptions made. I don't expect for anyone here to truly understand my situation, how could you? Every relationship is different, but my goodness so much negativity. So sez the least objective person on this thread....
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry dud but you are not going to get any words of encouragement here.
If you had met this woman say maybe a year after your divorce then you would get all the encouraging words you could stand.
However that is not the case and you are in an affair and if you marry her your marriage will be an affairage and we all know how likely they are to survive.
You are better off to stop dating this woman and wait for a little while and start dating again.
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Sorry dud but you are not going to get any words of encouragement here.
If you had met this woman say maybe a year after your divorce then you would get all the encouraging words you could stand.
However that is not the case and you are in an affair and if you marry her your marriage will be an affairage and we all know how likely they are to survive.
You are better off to stop dating this woman and wait for a little while and start dating again. Dr Harley said that blending families in second (or third) marriages is one of the greatest causes of divorce (when kids are involved). Even is it's not affairage, the probability of divorce in second marriage is quite high. Follow MB to beat the odds...
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I would add that Dr Harley knows how to save marriages with blended families; he does not know how to make an affairage work. He doesn't know of a single one that has worked. In the one case where a wayward in an affairage said he was happy in his affairage, he said he regretted it deeply because of what it did to his relationship with his children. He said it wasn't worth it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy.
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. Dr Harley does address this and has discussed mid-life crises on his Radio Show. As explained by Dr. Harley, a "mid life crisis" is anything but rational thinking. If the wayward is able to function in other areas such as keeping a job, etc then Harley does not call it a mid life crisis. It is called a "soulmate affair" as detailed in his book Surviving an Affair.
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. All waywards "feel entitled." They come here often and talk up their entitlement!
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. Dr Harley knows a lot about "mid life crisis" and doesn't pay it much heed. It is usually a term used by betrayed spouses as a form of denial. Your description of waywards applies to about 99.9999%, whether they are 22 or 72. There is no difference in the affair behavior between a 25 year old and a 40 year old. It is all the same, so I have no earthly idea why the term is applied only to those in that age range. It makes no sense. "Mid life crisis" is largely a cultural myth in the same category as "soul mates," etc, etc, etc.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. This too, is my ex-husband. His affairage is still going strong after 20 plus years. I'm still close to his family and it doesn't bother me any more but I hear anecdotal bits that indicate to me that they're happy in their pig pen. They have a wonderful life travelling the world first class and I haven't re-partnered. I'd love to see them crash and burn but can't see it happening.
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. Dr. Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity??? Dr. Harley doesn't know much about mid-life crisis???  I think the real problem is you don't know much about Dr. Harley. What are your credentials about mid-life crisis, besides reading about it on the Internet? You realize Dr. Harley has been doing marriage counseling for forty years, right? You think in all that time he hasn't developed any opinion or understanding about mid-life crisis?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't know how much Dr Harley knows about midlife crisis. It's different because the husband is usually in a good long term marriage, but when they have an affair, they leave...no remorse, no guilt. They feel entitled and this was the case with my marriage. Dr Harley doesn't address this type of infidelity. This may be the case with Oregonboy. I am with everyone else, I don't know where you got your information but that is not always the case. My H did not leave with no remorse or guilt........
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This too, is my ex-husband. His affairage is still going strong after 20 plus years. I'm still close to his family and it doesn't bother me any more but I hear anecdotal bits that indicate to me that they're happy in their pig pen. They have a wonderful life travelling the world first class and I haven't re-partnered. I'd love to see them crash and burn but can't see it happening. How long were you married to him if he has been in his affairage for 20 years? Even though I do not agree with the previous poster she said the H was in a long term marriage. My H and I were married alomost 25 years when he had his A but he came back after a short period of time.
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Does anyone here have the ability to be positive? There is so much negativity and so many false assumptions made. I don't expect for anyone here to truly understand my situation, how could you? Every relationship is different, but my goodness so much negativity. Can you guys just express positive and encouraging words? Ultimately people are imperfect, every relationship is imperfect, and positivity and encouragement is what will sustain a relationship, faith and hope, not knowledge alone. Come on guys, can't you see that? No we cannot see that when the relationship is entered into based upon lies. I am sorry but you should just drop this relationship and start a new one.
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This too, is my ex-husband. His affairage is still going strong after 20 plus years. I'm still close to his family and it doesn't bother me any more but I hear anecdotal bits that indicate to me that they're happy in their pig pen. They have a wonderful life travelling the world first class and I haven't re-partnered. I'd love to see them crash and burn but can't see it happening. How long were you married to him if he has been in his affairage for 20 years? Even though I do not agree with the previous poster she said the H was in a long term marriage. My H and I were married alomost 25 years when he had his A but he came back after a short period of time. We were married for 16 years. He did feel regret and remorse at the time but I had no idea about MB then and did everything wrong and was a complete enabler. I have no doubt that if I had've known about MB back then I could have used the strategies to save it. But by the time I did, he was years into the affairage and it was too late. I certainly wouldn't want him back now, but at the time I know it could have been saved had I not been so clueless.
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Prettypearl: I spoke to Dr Harley when I first discovered the affair. Dr H advised us to move away or get out of the area for at least a month. My husband refused to work on the marriage, let alone move away. He was addicted to his affair partner. I doubt your ex would have worked on the marriage, because he would probably not have stopped seeing the OW. If the husbands are not willing to do the work, there is nothing you could have done.
I don't know if it's a real Midlife Crisis, but he has been exhibiting all the characteristics...change of personality, change in his beliefs and values, demonizing the wife, no remorse, no understanding of the damage he caused.
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