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Jedi,
Found out the right courts search option.
OM has two different kids on child support from different mothers, neither of which he was married to. Freakin champ. *shakes head*
Also divorced since 1996.
Couldn't find anything on a home yet. His LLC is registered to his brother's address, which is actually in a pretty nice neighborhood (drove by today). Brother seems like quite a contrast from what I can tell, married and successful. I still haven't re-sent OM's family messages with his voicemail but doing that tomorrow morning before work.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Here's food for thought:
Have a friend (or pay an honest panhandler) to PICKET the Farmers Market he sells his waffles at!
You can pay a homeless guy $20 to picket with a sign that reads "The Waffle Guy Is An Adulterer!" and hand out printouts of his internet exposure on the sidewalk! Holy crap this is great idea. LOL
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Jedi,
Found out the right courts search option.
OM has two different kids on child support from different mothers, neither of which he was married to. Freakin champ. *shakes head*
Also divorced since 1996. Doesnt the PI have the address of where they live? As I recall, one of the kids is from the ex wife. The other kid was from a girlfriend and he went to court with another man (she was running around) ...and the other guy was the father. His original divorce did not include child support but she later filed for it. But none of that matters. The important part is that you exposed properly and now you need to focus on Plan A.
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You are very focused on the exposure piece of this. Great job. Your Plan A stick is very strong, and you are following through well. You still have to confront the POSOM. Looking forward to seeing how that goes, even if you and I have different ideas on how that should go.
But how is your Plan A Carrot doing? Are you doing anything to express your care and concern for her? Are you avoiding disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts when you see her? Have been clear with her that you are not being vindictive and that you are just fighting for your marriage. Dr. Harley has stated on the radio program that he does not believe in the "carrot and stick" model for Plan A. Plan A has no "stick" in that nothing in Plan A is ever done as punishment of the WS. So, addressing Plan A with a carrot and stick paradigm is obsolete and not a part of current MB principles.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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^But I get what he's saying. Exposure is stick, Plan A is carrot.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Exposure isn't stick.... That would imply punishment...
Exposure is stopping the enablement of the A. Exposure is stopping protection of your WW (and OM) by letting them deal with the consequences of their actions.
Exposure is letting your family and friends know so that they can support YOU through this.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Well, I guess I was more referring to the balance in the WW's LB. Exposure is a massive withdrawal from WW's LB. Plan A is deposits.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Well, I guess I was more referring to the balance in the WW's LB. Exposure is a massive withdrawal from WW's LB. Plan A is deposits. That is a needless distraction. Exposure is not a stick just because it withdraws love units. Again, that implies that exposure is used to PUNISH the wayward. Instead, exposure is more like lancing a wound so that it can heal. It is very surgical, and healthy and BENEFITS the wayward. There is no punishment.
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In Surviving an Affair, Plan A is defined as exposing the affair and expressing a willingness to meet emotional needs.
Skipping exposure means you are doing some plan besides Plan A!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Plan A is defined as exposing the affair and expressing a willingness to meet emotional needs. Exactly. Exposure IS Plan A.
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Gotcha. Well, in any case, the exposure part has definitely happened and is going to continue with OM. Everything I've seen on him so far suggests a very weak character and I'm not giving up until he buckles.
Getting all sorts of good ideas on upping my game on Plan A. Even if WW won't see me I know where she works and can leave gifts and notes in her car.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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WW just texted to say she moved her stuff out. Going to bet she's got her own house she's renting at this point and is planning on batting down the hatches and waiting me out. Thoughts?
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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Cant remember if you have an attorney or not, consult ASAP.
Might want to seperate finances and get locks changed, just to protect yourself from craziness. It has happened before.
Not very Plan Aish, but waywards do crazy things when the crack pipe is pulled out of their hands.
Make sure you have a VAR at all times.
After exposure A period of extreme craziness is normal, it seems to be proportional to depth of the affair.
Last edited by NebDane; 10/09/14 04:25 PM.
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Finances already way separated. Probably going to evacuate all of my valuables. VAR is a good idea, and will be going on the phone pronto. Changing locks is complicated, we've been renting her parent's old house.
I'd like to pursue that because at this point she is so erratic it's hard to know what's next and she knows exactly how to damage me with regards to possessions. Would you guys recommend I move to another location or try to stay? My lease is up in Nov.
Last edited by axslinger85; 10/09/14 04:27 PM.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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And I say erratic because it appears erratic to me, but what I worry about is more that this is calculated and planned. I don't think exposure has rattled her as much as OM. This past 2 or 3 months has been a calculated escape plan for her from what she's told me and I think the affair collapsing would be the only thing to cause her to abandon it at this point. The 5 weeks of counseling was extreme plan A on my part, doing every single thing I could think of to make her happy, and not really putting much of a dent in her resolve.
Short of the A falling apart or divine intervention, I don't see much hope from here, even with full on Plan A.
Last edited by axslinger85; 10/09/14 05:28 PM.
Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders" 2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more. When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29 Married: 7 years Together: 8 years D-day: 10/5/2014 D filed: 1/22/2015 D Final: 6/4/2015 My story
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axslinger, it is way, way too soon to give up. Right now she is in damage control mode and she has not really realized how badly your exposure wrecked the future of her affair. See, now that you have exposed her, she can never bring her affair out into the light of day, because that will be an ADMISSION. Her plan all along was to pretend the marriage had fallen apart and AFTER you had broken up, she met this new guy. She was going to ease him into the picture. She can't do that now. Not only that, but HIS family now knows she is a married woman who is committing adultery! Some of his family won't let her darken their doorstep.
Have you confronted dirtbag yet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And your wife is erratic, I assure you. She is just SNEAKY. Her emotions are driving the agenda here, which makes her erratic.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Axslinger,
Now would be a good time to gather testimonials about the OM from his various ex'es if possible. Just as we all know drugs are bad for us, your WW is also in denial about the true nature of OM.
Since it takes a minimum of 2 years to get over an affair, you are just at the start of the process. Normally the clock starts after the last contact or the last significant detail is confessed.
God Bless
Gamma
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You are very focused on the exposure piece of this. Great job. Your Plan A stick is very strong, and you are following through well. You still have to confront the POSOM. Looking forward to seeing how that goes, even if you and I have different ideas on how that should go.
But how is your Plan A Carrot doing? Are you doing anything to express your care and concern for her? Are you avoiding disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts when you see her? Have been clear with her that you are not being vindictive and that you are just fighting for your marriage. Dr. Harley has stated on the radio program that he does not believe in the "carrot and stick" model for Plan A. Plan A has no "stick" in that nothing in Plan A is ever done as punishment of the WS. So, addressing Plan A with a carrot and stick paradigm is obsolete and not a part of current MB principles. I have seen the carrot and stick used here for a long time, so I was simply applying the common lingo. I have never taken the Carrot and Stick literally, and that's why I asked Axe, "Have you been clear with her that you are not being vindictive and that you are just fighting for your marriage?" There is a contrast in Plan A, which is the important point. Axe still has to expose and when the WW tries to gaslight, he has to use honest and direct language regarding the affair that does not allow his wife to manipulate him. So if you don't want to call that the stick...whatever. Plan A is Plan A. And Axe understands this.
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WW just texted to say she moved her stuff out. Going to bet she's got her own house she's renting at this point and is planning on batting down the hatches and waiting me out. Thoughts? My thoughts are that she is still deep in the fog, and it takes time to get out of it. The good news is you are doing a great job of accelerating the affair's demise with your assertive action and your following Plan A. If you continue this, she will likely return to you and thank you for fighting for her after the fog lifts.
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