You are all invited to my pity party tonight!!!<P>I was just thinking back over my life and realized that every relationship I have had has been a bad experience. I should have known that my marriage would be no exception.<P>As a kid, I was over weight, and my parents were VERY strict. So when ever any boys paid me any attention, of course my whole world turned very colorful. Usually, they just paid me attention as some sort of a joke. Kids can be very cruel, and I think they were exceptionally cruel to me. I never had a date to any school dances in elementary or middle school. Only guys that were my friends even danced with me at parties and I knew that they were only friends - not romantic interests.<P>In high school, my prom date was a real a******. Unbelievably, he very sneakily stuck his middle finger up on my prom pic's. If you didn't look very carefully, you'd never even notice. The day the school handed out the prom pictures and my friends wanted to see mine, I was so ashamed. I stuffed them into my book bag and pretended I didn't have any. That night I handed them to my mom and I went to my room without saying a word. I noticed that they never set a picture out at home. My parents have never said a word, but I'm just wondering if they noticed. And even tonight as I write this I feel so much pain and embarrassment, I feel so humiliated. I am not sure how one person could be so cruel and hurtful. Even if it was a joke, it was a horrible joke to pull. But even that didn't stop me from still being the outgoing person that I am.<P>I dated another guy for 2 years, and we figured that we'd get married. But one day, out of the blue, he called me and told me that he had found someone else and they were getting married. And they did, and this really hurt me because he was my first real love. I had never even considered not being with him forever. I know this is unrealistic, but I was just a teenager.<P>And then I met and married my wonderful husband. I loved him so much, he made me feel beautiful and cherished. He told me the most wonderful things like he loved me more than all the grains of sand on the beach and I believed him. Against my parents wishes,I eloped with him. We were 18 and 20 years old. We had nothing but love and each other. But I didn't care because that was enough for me. I believed in him and everything he told me.<P>Years passed and we had some problems, but I never believed that anyone could come between us. I thought the love I had for him was some sort of protection and I actually believed that he loved me too; Far too much to hurt me like that. But I guess none of that mattered because I knew HER through friends. And after all of us spending one evening together, I told him that she was very attracted to him. He denied it, and told me that I was imagining things. But a wife knows when another woman is attracted to her husband. I just never believed that he would ever... do something like this.<P>I never suspected a thing. I was really stupid. Almost 4 years later, she sends child support papers to our home. And it almost kills me. I am convinced that they have the wrong person, the wrong house. Just a horrible mistake.... It was the right house. It was my husband. Sometimes, I still can't believe it.<P>I think in general that I am a good person. I just want to be loved for once without being afraid and worried. I want H to care about me and commit himself to me completely. <P>But maybe there is something that I'm doing wrong. My mom says that I do too much, I need to let H do for me. I just wonder what is it that makes it so hard for my H (and the other's before him) to love me and be faithful.<P>Tonight, although I know that god is with me and fighting my every battle, I feel very down. I'm tired of being not quite good enough. I'm tired of waiting to be loved. This is the way it has always been.<P>Dear God,<BR> Why Me?<BR> Love, Liza<P><BR>I will keep you all in my prayers.

I think we all have days of despair - my heart goes out to you. As others have said - it's time for you to think about YOU and your needs - be selfish for yourself and your needs - surround yourself with those who support you and make you feel better. I only felt comfortable telling 2 friends about what was going on in my life (and that's after 1.5 months of dealing with it myself). Those 2 friends were so wise, never told me what to do, and asked me challenging questions to make me clarify my thoughts. Reading this also helps immensely!!!! You have people who will listen and care here! Take care of yourself.

Dear Liza,<BR>I am wondering what God is up to today. It seems like most of the people on this forum are struggling. Your story touched my heart. I know exactly what you mean about your childhood. My parents were the same way - I love them very much today, though- I was overweight, I had problems meeting men. When I met my husband (We met when I was 29) I thought that finally God had answered all my prayers. He was handsome, funny, wonderful. All I had ever dreamed of. I was walking on air when he asked me to marry him. I could not imagine that someone like that would want to be with me. We struggled most of our marriage ( his 3rd marriage, my 1st) because of so many 'past' things. He compared me to his other wives all the time. He has two children from his 1st wife, who I always tried to get along with, but always felt something missing. I tried so hard to be the best wife I could. I thought I was giving him all he wanted. I feel your pain right now. As you saw from my post, I am feeling quite bad tonight too. All I can say is the keep your chin up. God has not left us, he is just calling for us to pull closer to him. He is the healer of broken hearts.<BR>God Bless, <BR>cc

Liza,<BR>I am sorry that you are feeling the way that you are tonite. I am sorry that you have been hurt. Please know there are better days ahead for you, for all of us. We can only go so low, ( yet, why are we stuck there?!) and there could only be better days for us. Please let us support you and care for you, because we do. I believe you are a good good person, its others that have not been good to you. Smile, and know we are here for you.

Hey Liza, <BR>This should my you smile. It made me laugh, as a matter of fact, I'm still laughing. <BR>My 2yr just got out of the tub. She comes running into the room, stark naked, wearing nothing but my bra over her head. I started to laughs and she says, " Look mom, I wearing your boobs!" She is a card. At least my husband gave me her!! God bless him for that. Keep strong.

ceecee-<P>That is really funny! I don't know what I would have done without my kids - I know my baby (2yrs) especially saved my sanity many days. Thank God for both of them. <P>I am staying as strong as I know how to be. I am on the phone with my best friend and she is trying to cheer me up too.<P>I really want to thank all of you, kate, and patty for responding to my post. I hate to whine and complain, but sometimes all of these feelings all bottled up inside of me really becomes unbearable.<P>Although, my husband and I have agreed to try to rebuild our marriage. I feel so many doubts all the time. But I am determined to go forward with this. I'm just not sure that I will ever get over feeling like second best.<P>I'm glad I have friends like all of you.<P>Hugs and kisses!<BR>liza

CeeCee: I loved your story, how adorable!<BR>Kids are great at keeping us smiling when we think we could'nt!Enjoy your baby doll :-)