My husband and I have been married for 38 years. We had as perfect a marriage as one can imagine. People asked us what our secret was. My husband told me daily how much he loved me, was so lucky to have found me, and be married to me. Imagine hearing this nearly every day! Then, during the last year, my husband's friendship with a co-worker developed into a full fledged affair. This woman is my age, but single. I believe she went after him and lured him. Sure it is his fault 100%...I know that, but this woman was someone I knew, had in my home, gave advice, etc. She knew what she wanted. They both lied to me for months. Whenever I became suspicious, they both told me I was jumping to conclusions and there was nothing going on. Finally, after undeniable evidence, my husband admitted it and did not want to work on the marriage. He wanted out. He wanted her instead of me. She was feeding his ego. She was giving him the excitement and passion I couldn't give him. I tried to get him to work with Dr Harley and work on our marriage, but he wanted the OW so much, he was willing to throw away our 38 years. So, I left and went to Plan B. It's been a year and he is still with the OW. My kids refuse to talk to him too. I am devastated and still in shock. I'm also angry. I don't feel like I did anything wrong. Even if I didn't meet all his needs, I could have done more if he gave me the chance. But by the time I found out, it was too late. How do I move on now? I'm 59 and I don't want another man in my life. I've known him since I was 18 and he was the love of my life. I can't picture my life without him. I keep hoping he will crawl back to me but that hope is fading. Dr Harley says the "new" relationship may only have a 2 year period and then he may come out of the fog. Does anyone have any ideas?

wenang, thank you for telling your story. I am so sorry this happened to you. How long have you been in Plan B? When was the last time you saw, emailed, or spoke to him?

Did you expose the affair to everyone?

The reason the affair occurred is because your husband allowed another woman to meet his needs. You could have been meeting his needs perfectly and he would have still had the affair.

I am so sorry about what happened to you wenang. I feel for your children, and it's perfectly understandable that they won't speak to him. I still don't see my own wayward mother today, more than two decades after she began her affair.

Did you expose the affair to everyone? You want to be sure you get all the support you can get.

It is likely that even if you could have gotten your husband to talk to Dr. Harley, not much could be done if he was still seeing the other woman. Somewhere Dr. Harley has an article about affairs ended "the right way" versus "the wrong way." Very few people in affairs end them "the right way," which is to stop the affair in progress. Most affairs proceed until the affair breaks up (which is usually inevitable because they are not using the skills that are needed to sustain a relationship long term). Thus it is usually important for the betrayed spouse to be ready to enter a very dark Plan B, for their protection. Every contact with the wayward spouse will be increasingly painful to the betrayed spouse, so contact has to be ended, for protection.

Thanks for your support. I've been in plan B about 8 months now. My husband is furious at me now because he feels I poisoned the kids against him since they aren't speaking to him either. Yes, I exposed affair to everyone, but it didn't help with support. His whole family stopped all contact with me after I did plan B. Before the separation, I had a very close relationship with his family, and I loved them and thought they loved me too. I was so wrong.

Plan B did help me feel better physically and emotionally. I was a wreck in Plan A. It didn't work for me bec my husband couldn't stop the affair. He tried and when he was going through withdrawal, he turned into a monster. To save my well being, I left him and went into plan B. I couldn't watch him mourn over his lover, It was too painful. When I tried to give him more love and attention, he thought I was being insincere. Nothing I did was good enough. What woman could put up with this, and watch her husband brood over a girlfriend. Finally, after he said he lost his spark for me and was planning to move out, I decided to leave him. After all, I needed some self respect. I'm still heart broken. thanks for your kind words.

wenang,

Do you have an IM?
Do you have any contact with your husband at all?

Not very many, which is why Dr. Harley typically recommends a betrayed wife Plan A for no longer than three weeks.

no contact at all now. When I found out my husband filed for divorce, I stopped all contact and only go through attorney. He has a lot of money, but cut me off, won't pay the credit card bills. I'm the primary so it goes against me but he has control over the bank accounts. Court order and mediation takes months.
Women really get the worst end of things. It just isn't fair.
What is IM?

I have a question. My daughter speaks to grandmother (husband's mom) once a month to say hello. I try not to show her my feelings but I am upset. My mother in law is supporting her son who stabbed me in the back. I know she has to love her son, but she gives me no support. She blames the OW, not him. She says all men are weak and I should have been more cautious. Really? She is out of her mind and my daughter still calls her.

An IM is an Intermediary.
This is explained in the book Surviving an Affair.
The IM handles communication, usually related to child issues.
The IM is also the main contact for the wayward if they decide to agree to the conditions in the Plan B letter.

Did you write a Plan B letter?

How old is your daughter?

33,married and has a baby

I didn't write a plan B letter. I was too beaten down. I felt too betrayed. His words were "If I were single, I'd have women lined up around the block.....and you'll be all alone". How could I write a sweet heartfelt letter after words like that. I felt I had to leave with some self respect.

Well, then it's her choice. She's an adult.

Dr. Harley usually recommends that a betrayed spouse visit a doctor for anti-depressant medication.
Have you done this?

Believe me, I know I have to respect her decision. Still hurts. She needs to know she is dead wrong for not supporting me and cutting me off. I want her punished for this. I can't help it..I'm furious at her, him and his whole family for treating me like this. It gives him validation for what he did to us.
thanks for your help.

Most of my in-laws did the same thing with my cheating wife.
There is an old saying 'Blood is thicker than water'

Do I sound like I need anti depressants LOL. I'm sorry. I'm going to get through this without drugs. I'm afraid to take them...i know too many horror stories of bad side effects. Hopefully I won't need to take them. Thanks for the suggestion! I really appreciate your input. It's extremely helpful.

Did you expose the affair to OW family and friends?

Dr. Harley wouldn't recommend them if they didn't help.

Yes, I called the OW family and friends. My daughter wrote them all letters and wrote the OW a letter. It made things worse. It bonded my husband and the OW even closer. "Them against the world" concept. Husband was so mad, he got even with me by bringing the OW to holiday party and family wedding. I believe he did this out of revenge for the calls and letters we did.