Hello... this is my first post. I need some advice.

Married over 15 years.
Three children, 7, 5, and 2

My wife recently told me (about 1month ago) that she was no longer sexually attracted to me and hadn't been in quite some time and that she wanted to separate in about 6 months. I was shocked as she always said she loved me and how happy she was and that life was good.

After she told me this, I began to suspect an affair of some type with a specific co-worker of hers... because she previously had an affair (11years ago). I asked many questions about this over the next few days (making serious love bank withdrawals) but she denied it and said she would never do that to me again. This also caused her to want to move up the separation time to 3 months. (BTW, she wants me to move out so she can care for the kids)

Initially she was willing to consider counseling, but later changed her mind when it came time to make the appointment. She became much more secretive with her phone and I caught her in a lie about a good-bye dinner for another co-worker (she claimed dinner arrived late and the service was slow, but I could see she was sitting in a church parking lot in the country for two hours after the dinner). I confronted her, but she came up with a plausible explanation.

After about three weeks and much reading my emotions calmed down and I started trying to meet her emotional needs to regain a connection to her thereby convincing her to stay. By this time I was convinced she wasn't having an affair, but rather she had simply burned herself out trying to meet my needs without getting what she needed in return (and she wasn't... I can see it plain as day now - hindsight is 20/20).

Well, just in the last two days, I've discovered she is having an affair (I have very good evidence) - both emotional and sexual. I don't know if it was sexual before she told me she wanted to separate, but something was definitely happening.

I haven't told her I know yet. We are actually heading up to her parents for Thanksgiving (Canada) tomorrow. Some of her family will be there as well, but I don't think it is a good idea to break the news there. Our kids are along and I don't want to ruin their weekend.

I do not have the contact information for the OM's wife, so I cannot let her in on this. I cannot compete with the excitement of new "love" so this does need to be exposed or it will just continue.

Any recommendations on how to handle this situation? Should I sit on the info for a while to get better organized with how to expose this.

I've thought about talking to her (without telling her I know) and telling her that I am willing to forgive her and accept her if there have been any transgressions, in hopes that she will confess.

I do love my wife, but I am not sure if I can go through this ordeal again. I can forgive her, but I think it would be very difficult to trust her again, plus I don't know that she would even be willing to try. We have three kids now, so I feel I must attempt to reconcile or they will suffer greatly.

Hi 121GW, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Exposure is the most powerful weapon in saving your marriage. This weekend would be a fantastic opportunity to expose to her family. You could tell them all about the affair and gain their support for your marriage. They could help influence your wife to end her affair. That would be in your children's best interest.


I would get her contact information pronto. Does the OM have a Facebook page? If so, I would copy all of his contacts into a text doc for safe keeping. You might be able to find his wife there and when you get back from your Thanksgiving you can expose to the OM's Facebook contacts.


I would expose to her family this weekend and finish up with other exposures when you get back.


That is not a very good plan because you don't need her confession. You already have the truth, so trying to get a wayward to confess is a waste of valuable time.


Forgiveness is not appropriate. What is appropriate is just compensation and marital recovery. We can help with those steps if you will expose the affair.

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature. It will give you best practices and templates.

121GW:

Welcome to Marriage Builders; and so sorry for the reason that brought you here.

Please hit the Notify button at the bottom of your thread and ask the Moderators to move your thread to "Surviving An Affair." You will get more responses there.

Then, read the very first thread in the "Surviving An Affair" column, especially the "Exposure 101" article. You will need to expose this affair far and wide, so line up your exposure targets as outlined in that article.

How old are your kids?

Who is the OM? Is he the co-worker you first thought it was?

Hi catwhit,

Our kids are 7, 5 and 2.

He is exactly who I thought it would be. I didn't really expect it as he is over 50 - my wife is 38. My wife told me he was having marriage problems a few months ago... I talked to her at that time to ensure she didn't allow herself to get too close to him... I now know she did anyway.

Have you read this? Exposure 101

So the OM is the coworker? They work together?

When it is an affair at work, that is the easiest to expose and easiest to implode. Management wants nothing to do with harrassment suits, fooling around with superiors or subordinates, morale issues, etc.
Expose it there and it will explode, someone or both might get fired, but separation from that work place is a must anyway.
Get the intel on the OM, and do it covertly, investigate and do it in earnest.
Exposing at your family get together would be powerful, quick and effective.

Ok. So her family now knows about the affair. She initially tried to downplay it and make it appear that it didn't begin until after she informed me she wanted a separation. I had to reveal some of the details of how I knew about the affair to prove it to her parents (they wanted to believe their daughter - so did I a few weeks ago).

She still wants to separate. Her mother had a discussion with her, but no change of heart. She does feel guilty (she couldn't sleep and threw up over this) but she wants to be with him. She reacted as expected, with anger and said that there was now no chance for us to work anymore, and that she was considering trying, but not anymore.

When we get back home, I'll think I will have to notify her employer about the affair. They both work 12 hour shifts together. This allows for lots of conversation between them during their shifts, especially on days that are not busy. Things like this have happened at her work in the past, generally they will move one or both employees to different shifts and re-locate them so they don't work in the same town. Her work is a rumour-mill, so word will spread quickly.

I think she wants me to move out in December, but I hope to avoid that as long as possible. I burned many love units this weekend, so I'll have to work hard on plan A so she won't move out herself.

Any suggestions on how to plan A her?

Did you expose your evidence to the OM's BW?

Who else have you exposed to?

This should all be done in Quick Succession.

LTL

Great job on exposure!!

It is very important that you finish your exposures ASAP. If not tonight, then certainly tomorrow. Please use the exposure list on my exposure 101 thread. Your wife doesn't know what she wants, as that will change from day to day so it is critical that you cause as much damage to the affair as possible ASAP before this gets worse. The longer you wait, the more entrenched it becomes.

Tell your kids, her workplace, the OM's friends and family, everyone. This will ruin the affair and make it less likely your wife will "separate."


PERFECT. And also expose to the OM's contacts and your children. Get this step done QUICKLY so you can move onto next steps.


First off, tell her no thank you about moving; you will not be moving anywhere. Tell her this TONIGHT. Tell her you have no reason to move. DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM.

In Plan A you do your best to meet her needs while avoiding love busters at all cost.

You are doing great, but don't let up now!! The things you do RIGHT NOW will set the stage for the future. If you let up on the affair now, it will be much harder to recover.

And once you have exposed wide and far, I would plan on confronting the OM.

Set the 7 and 5 yr old down and tell them all about their moms affair and that she is planning on leaving the marriage to pursue her affair. The kids need to know she plans on destroying their family for some loser. And be sure and tell them the NAME of the OM so they will know who the enemy is.

If you don't tell them the truth, she will tell them lies.........ABOUT YOU.

Did you read the exposure 101 thread?

Exposure should be done far and wide, all at once, with no warning to the WS. Sounds like you did a trickle exposure by exposing only to select people, and now she has some time to do damage control by twisting the details.

You need to read the exposure thread and do a much more in depth exposure, in the way that is suggested, and do it pronto. Exposure is the greatest tool you have to kill this affair so do not weaken its strength by doing a half arz job at it.

Unwritten is right, however, most waywards don't expect you to expose them at work. For some reason they feel entitled to secrecy from you so it's unlikely she will "spin" it at work but do not threaten or otherwise hint that you intend to expose them there.


Also...be very careful at home that your wife doesn't try to trump up physical abuse or some other argument so she can call the cops and have you removed from the home. We've had stories of wives punching themselves in the face and running into walls in an attempt to mark themselves up and have their betrayed husband's removed from the home and/or made out to be crazy jealous abusive fools who no one should believe AND who OM needs to rescue them from.

A wise precaution is to carry a voice activated recording device in your pocket or get a watch that make MP3 recordings with a simple push of a button. Better safe than sorry.....plus, having such evidence is a great help if and when YOU seek primary custody of the children.

2 affairs in 15 years - what you are doing isn't working. You MAY have a serial cheater on your hands. Maybe the first was young stupidity and this second one is her first "mature" major mess up and she's redeemable and can learn....however, it could very well be likely, or most likely...this is who she is. You don't have to decide today what you want to do. Getting OM out and away from your family and giving his wife the truth about your life is merely step one towards figuring this all out. If you are to work this out....she needs to be working in a all female environment after this. It would be cruel of her to work again in a mixed environment. How about she NOT work??? Or work out of the house??

Anyway....welcome to MB. Sorry to meet you like this.

Mr. W

Also, post the OM on www.cheaterville.com