But again....his perspective is that asking him to give up this friend is me asking *him* to suffer on my behalf.

I feel like I'm correct in believing that no opposite sex attachments is the only way to ensure that a marriage lasts, and I think that argument is strengthened by all the research I've done on marriage counseling sites (and also by the experiences of quite a few divorced friends). But I don't know how to respond when he is so convinced that I don't care about his feelings or his need for friendships.

How is there a chance for them to have a close friendship if this is all true? When do they see each other and how do they communicate 'as friends'?

And how would they behave if they were in an EA?

Do you have complete transparency with your H? Do you have access to his cell phone, computers, social media sites, etc?

Dr Harley believes in making complaints if things are bothering you. If my H were to tell me "I don't like it when you run in the mornings." I don't have to understand WHY it bothers him to know that he does not like it. It is disrespectful for me to think he does not have a right to not like something. Part of providing extraordinary care in a marriage is to do things that makes your spouse happy, and avoid doing things that make your spouse unhappy. With this in mind I would stop running in the mornings, and work with him to POJA other solutions, maybe a different time to run that is better.

With this in mind, your H does not have to understand WHY you don't like him having OS friendships (although I wager that he DOES understand this, but just doesn't want to give up the ability to get his needs met by other women). As your husband he should want to avoid doing things that make you unhappy though, and if a 'friend' is making you unhappy, he should avoid that friend. Not even taking into account that having OS friendships is putting our marriage at great risk for an affair, it is simply caring for your spouse.

You are not objecting to him having friendships, you are bothered by him having OPPOSITE SEX friendships, and who wouldn't be??? It is disrespectful for him to disregard your complaint about this. You could find a solution that makes you both happy, by spending the time TOGETHER and YOU becoming his friend. Obviously this is the optimal answer since you are his wife after all.

After all that, what is really going on here is that your H has OS friendships because he enjoys having other women meet his needs. He is already addicted to this OW meeting his needs, and that is why he is fighting tooth and nail not to give her up. My guess is that if you push this issue, he will attempt to go 'underground' with their friendship and just start hiding it from you, long before he will give it up. This is why snooping is very important here. To find out if the line of affair has been crossed already, and continue to monitor him after you tell him he needs to end this friendship.

Minimizing his time with her is not the answer, this is not negotiable. He has to end his relationship with her. The fact that you have 'sunk into a deep depression' and he STILL did not end contact with her tells you that he is already addicted to her, and this is more than just a friendship. If you were doing anything that made your H sink into a deep depression, would you stop doing it immediately? I know I would.

He should feel bad about himself because he is behaving in an untrustworthy way, NOT because you are responding to that behavior.

Dr Harley believes that everyone is wired to cheat in the right situation, and therefore nobody should blindly trust. Affair proofing a marriage means more than just creating a great marriage, but also by creating boundaries to protect your marriage, and integrating your lifestyles to the point that makes it next to impossible for someone to have an affair. Having transparency is part of this integration. My H has nothing to hide from me, and I have nothing to hide from him. We are both welcome to snoop on each other at any time. In fact I welcome snooping, this is how trust is created after all.

This does not mean you cannot have some amount of trust if you have created an affair proof marriage and if your spouse is behaving in a trustworthy way. But NEITHER of these things is true for your marriage.

We all work at the same location, but they work in the same area. They had been chatting at the office several times a day, but I didn't realize they had been chatting outside of a group setting, or that they had developed such a rapport until a few months ago. I am so sorry, but I just don't feel comfortable revealing more details.

Again, I am 100% positive that there is no physical affair, and and 100% positive that it has not gone into an emotional affair yet (defining the beginning of an emotional affair as when feelings are first shared). We have some transparency in our electronics, but that's mostly moot for us, as we would both be more than capable of covering our electronic tracks if necessary.

And this is where it comes up....giving up his friend is making him depressed. I have spent the last several months trying to surround him with males who have common interests with him, but none of them have as much in common (he believes), and he is depressed at losing this one friend he has already made.

I have made the addiction point. He just doesn't see it that way.

I should point out again that snooping is unnecessary at the moment. He is being honest with me even when what he says hurts me or causes negative consequences for him.

This is one of the main things I've been trying ever since I realized he had developed a bond with her. (In addition to introducing him to other men.) The problem is, he spends much of his time at home either moping, or angry with me, or withdrawn, so it's next to impossible for me to meet his needs. How do I do that in that situation?

Yes that is how Dr Harley defines the beginning of an EA. However, the feelings develop BEFORE the discussion about them, which could be in the middle of clothes ripping off in a hotel room. So you really don't want to wait until the confession happens to kill this thing do you? Clearly, the feelings have ALREADY developed, whether they have admitted that to each other or not.

There is no such thing as 100% sure that he hasn't crossed that threshold, you yourself just said that he could easily cover his tracks if he wanted to.

This is not about common interests. It is about him having another woman meeting his needs and filling his love bank.

He doesn't have to see it any way. But the fact that it bothers YOU and that YOU see it as an addiction, inappropriate relationship, emotional affair...whatever...means that if he is to provide you, his WIFE, with extraordinary care, he has to eliminate this friendship.

He is going to work every day and spending hours with the OW, who he has at the very least romantic feelings for and an addiction to, recognized or not. That is what you are competing with when he comes home to you. He is already in an affair fog imo.

But again....his perspective is that asking him to give up this friend is me asking *him* to suffer on my behalf.

But.....that is not rational. Asking him to stop hurting you is not making him suffer. It never should have started in the first place. He wants to win at your expense and that is a freeloaders philosophy that will wreck your marriage.

He swears his feelings for her are not romantic, and I believe that he has not had any conscious romantic thoughts about her. I think he has himself convinced there is nothing wrong with his feelings because of this.

Since he agreed to limit his time, he has tried to not go down to her office to chat, and to limit the amount of time he stops to chat if she comes by his area instead. He's probably averaging about 5-15 minutes a day right now, and it is during the day when coworkers are around. So it's progress, but the underlying problem remains of believing female friends are okay and that he's giving in to an unreasonable demand.

I agree with all of that. How can I get him to believe that too?

If he places this "friendship" before your marriage, Dr Harley would tell you to separate from him, before it destroys your marriage entirely. Anything that comes before your marriage will eventually come between you, and it is already beginning. The fact that he wants you to lose at his expense demonstrates a freeloaders approach to marriage that won't sustain a marriage.

I have no doubt he is as thoughtless in other areas of your marriage.

Check this out: When to Call It Quits - Part 1

You tell him. And if he ignores your wishes, you separate from him.

But is there any way to help him see that? I asked him to read this site, and he finally did, but he just thinks it's wrong, and that he knows his intentions, and nothing bad will happen. And he thinks my insisting he not have this friend is me winning at his expense. How can you get a spouse to see the other side?