I will be on the program next friday, 10/3. It was great to talk to Joyce for a few minutes today! She is so positive even 1-on-1.

The Harleys are wonderful. I'm so glad you'll be on the show. We'll be listening.

Lou,

Is your wife taking anti-depressant medication?
If not, she should visit her doctor for an evaluation.

As for your question about Plan A or Plan B, Dr. Harley generally recommends Plan A for several months prior to Plan B.
Since you are separated and the PI has found no evidence of an active affair then you should try to Plan A.

However, most separations make room for affairs. Keep snooping

Its that kind of thinking that got you into an affair. The people who have affairs fail to protect their hearts because they think not wanting an affair/a person is the same as preventing an affair.

She probably wasn't a huge temptation initially either; going back to that square one changes nothing.

That is my take but I'll be very interested in Dr. Harley's. The PI is still on it. Like I said, I am not interested in getting the details of her whereabouts, so I'll only be contacted if they find positive evidence of an A.

You are right. Especially with my current situation, I know I'm vulnerable to another EA, or even a PA. There is really no chance of the OW moving back (she moved back to her hometown 1,000+ miles away, got a job that makes twice the pay, etc.), but I know now how easy it was for me to slip into that EA. It would be even easier next time, so I am trying to take extraordinary precautions (zero alone time with women, not becoming FB friends or exchanging #'s with new women that I meet).

Just spoke with Dr. Harley. He gave me some general insight into depression. Just as I suspected, it sounds like she decided to be on her own right now and there's not a lot I can do about that. He gave me two recommendations, which seem to be somewhat contrasting:

1. Keep doing what I'm doing, which is being a friend and working on myself (love busters, fulfilling her ENs when I have the chance). There has been slow but steady micro progress through that.

2. Invite her to move back into the house. I suspect that this would not go well with her right now. I will send them a follow-up e-mail to ask a little bit more about it. We ran out of time on the show.

One thing I disagreed with but didn't have the chance to talk to them about is that they believe selling our house signifies the end of the marriage to my W. I can definitely see how they think that. But we really can't survive this year financially with the house and apartment, and we agreed when we put the house on the market that it would work with the entire family in her apartment if we got back together (it's a large two bedroom).

Lou,

Email Dr. Harley your follow up concern about the house.
It's important that you follow his guidance and equally important that he is aware of your financial limitations.

What does this mean, that you have slow micro progress on this aspect?

Here's your call.
Radio Clip of Lou519's call

I e-mailed the Harleys with my follow-up questions about the house situation but didn't get a response yet. I know they're busy and I'm grateful for the time they've given me, anyway.


I mean that there haven't been any leaps-and-bounds improvements, like if she said she wanted to talk about working on the marriage, but there have been some small improvements over the last 2 months. In early July, she didn't want to talk to or see me. By August she agree to at least go to church with me. Then we started meeting at the gym. By end of August and during Sept, she began texting and IM-ing me more and more, usually about friendly, non-essential matters. She invited me over to her apt a couple of times just to hang out as a family. Last week she invited me to meet her and D2 at a park.

So it has been slow but steady progress, as far as I could tell, with the end goal of [starting] the reconciliation process in mind. With that said, she has been really distant the last week+. There have been no incidents between us to cause it. I'm not trying to read into it because there is a lot going on for her in October...very busy school month, board meetings at work. On top of that I have no idea what is going on with her depression. And I do know she has sleep problems because she has to take medicine every Saturday night just to ensure she can get at least one good night of sleep a week. She has mood swings from one day to the next as she is trying to adjust to new meds from her therapist/counselor.

Notify the MODS so they can let the Harleys know.

Thanks for posting that link to my call, btw. I e-mailed mods but no response from them or the Harleys. Right now I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing (being a friend, filling EN's when she allows, working on my own issues). She is not desperate to move back in as Dr. H guessed. I know he is only going off of an e-mail and a quick phone call. I have the dogs, I have our D about 60% of the time, she has maintenance she can call for any issues with her apt, her household is now 1/2 the size it was, so less space to clean. She is alone and free 1/2 of every week, so she now has plenty of time to work on school. I'm not celebrating these things for her, I'm just saying that that's what she's told me. Hopefully she is using this time to breath and get through her crisis. She has issues to resolve before our M could take off again. I think I would be a tremendous support for her now that I am awake to my own faults, the love building process, LB's, etc. But there is no convincing her of that. If she chooses to walk this path with me, we have a great future in front of us. If she doesn't, I feel confident I'll find lasting happiness with someone else because of what I've learned.

Lou,

I'm sorry for not responding directly to you. I did receive your email and forwarded the email, & your post to Dr Harley & Joyce. I have again, today, re-notified them.

Please feel free to contact me if you do not hear something from them in the next couple of days.

Again, sorry for the problems...

Thanks again! MB, MB Radio and the Harleys have been a huge lift throughout all of this.

Well I don't get a lot of time with W these days, but today she met me at the gym. I was able to pepper her with a few love deposits Afterwards we texted for a while.

So much for progress. Tonight she blamed me for all of her problems and struggles, told me she had lost the ability to love anyone or anything until she left me, and she is planning on dating. Encouraged me to do the same (which of course I will not). She doesn't see anything wrong with dating since we're separated. Says she does not want to work on our marriage right now.

Just dont engage in these talks with her.
Simply say "I am willing to work with you to build a romantic marriage."

Since she mentioned dating, she likely is already involved in an affair and the separation was cover to justify a sudden "new relationship"

Dr Harley said he'd be willing to talk to her on the air if she is. Should I extend this invitation to her? If so, how?

I would tell her, "I am willing to work with you to create a loving romantic marriage. I have personally spoken with Dr. Bill Harley, the author of the bestselling book His Needs Her Needs and he has said that he is willing to speak to both of us on his Radio Show or by email to offer his advice. Would you be willing to email Dr. Harley? He said to email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com"

I will be in the program again tomorrow. So thankful for the Harleys for taking a second call!