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[
And he is already making plans to move out. How does telling him I want him to go help?
. It helps in that he must understand he has to go if he will not meet your conditions. He needs to move out if he won't meet your conditions. As it now, he does not even KNOW you have any conditions and will just continue on his affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[qIsn't it possible that he needs a little time for the fog to clear? How will the fog clear if he is still in the bar every day drinking? Does an alcoholic sober up that way? You need to start taking action before this gets worse. The problem will not be solved sitting by doing nothing. Every passing day the affair gets more and more entrenched. The more time that goes by, the harder this will be to save.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Changing shifts means he won't ever cross paths with her at work. Why doesn't that solve the problem?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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Changing shifts means he won't ever cross paths with her at work. Why doesn't that solve the problem? He can see her anytime at work. Changing shifts will not solve the problem. They will work at the same place, have meetings together, see each other in the hallways, attend the same company parties. Every time he sees her [her car, her name] will put him back to day 1 of withdrawal. Changing shifts will help until he leaves in 30 days, but it is not the solution. I thought you knew this?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just had an opportunity to read this entire thread in the last couple of days.
I have some major concerns, purple, that you do not seem to understand that the affair is still ON.
Your WH is moving out for one reason only - to continue his affair.
Do you understand this?
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Changing shifts is a bunch of nonsense that my WH threw at me when professing to be invested in our marriage. He swore on a stack of bibles that they would not be working together blah blah.
The affair was still ON.
They cannot work together in the same workplace without endangering your M, not for one day.
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jk, the longer you wait to take action, the less likely you are to save your marriage. Like Susie said, he is moving out so he can continue his affair without your interference.
If you don't take decisive action about his job and the recovery of your marriage NOW, it will be very hard to save this when he moves in with the OW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The whole "I'm changing shifts and I swear the affair is over" but still moving out makes me certain of one thing....
that he wants you to distract you in hopes that it will get you to stop exposing this affair.
And it seems to be working!
You cannot quit now. You need to wrap this up ASAP. Workplace and OW's family!!
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You are trying to move on to the business of recovering your M and making nice with your WH...but you haven't completed the mission of killing this affair dead, purple.
You can't move to Step 2 before you have finished Step 1.
Please listen!
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A bit later, I told him I needed to ask again, is it over. He looked me in the eye and said it's over.
Me: you understand why I have a hard time believing you.
Him: yes. Then he started to cry and said it's really over and it's killing me
Me: wow. That hurts. I knew you loved her, or you wouldn't be willing to leave your kids. But this hurts.
I was trying not to cry. Y'all, he was crying like he did when our baby was stillborn. Like he did when his pappy died. I knew he would have to grieve her, but knowing it and seeing it are two different things.
I asked him if he still saw her at work. More tears. No - she hasn't come in to work since I outed them. But when she does I will have to physically see her, but she's off my district. No - I haven't cried at work yet, but I'm sure I will. This tear filled back and forth with your WH is a big fat nothing, purple. You know that, right? Waywards lie, lie and then lie some more. They even lie when they don't need to and tears are NOT a sign of sincerity. I have fallen for that one a few times myself!
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Changing shifts means he won't ever cross paths with her at work. Why doesn't that solve the problem? He can see her anytime at work. Changing shifts will not solve the problem. They will work at the same place, have meetings together, see each other in the hallways, attend the same company parties. Every time he sees her [her car, her name] will put him back to day 1 of withdrawal. Changing shifts will help until he leaves in 30 days, but it is not the solution. I thought you knew this? Oh. Oh. I was thinking that because he won't see her (not ever in the building at the same time - meetings are separate - they don't do company parties) that he would be separate enough. I didn't think about her name. Or even just the building itself. I still want to believe what he tells me. I I still don't want to hurt him. I see how ridiculous that is. And I see that I haven't given him conditions. And I see that he loves her and values her above even his children. All of a sudden, I see it all. As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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[
Oh. Oh. I was thinking that because he won't see her (not ever in the building at the same time - meetings are separate - they don't do company parties) that he would be separate enough. I didn't think about her name. Or even just the building itself. He CAN go see her anytime at work. I don't care what he tells you. He is a liar who will tell you anything. They work at the SAME PLACE. Would you send an alcoholic into the bar and feel safe just because he told you he would not drink? Your husband has a serious addiction to the OW. He can go see her anytime he is tempted. As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way. You got it! It is the ONLY WAY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Help me understand what comes next, please. And forgive me, I'm certain you all have already been very clear. I think I have been in a fog of my own.
I tell him in no uncertain terms he must leave that job. (Transfer to another precinct? That would take him to a different building, different part of town, every precinct is its own entity. Am missing something? Would this work?)
Otherwise, I need to go to hr to make this happen. (Is committing to me part of the condition for leaving hr out of it?)
And that I understand he may need to leave town or the state to find employment, and if he is willing to commit to me, that I will come with him because I value our marriage over having family and friends close by.
If he cannot commit to me, then he needs to move out now.
Do I have this right?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way. Technically, you aren't making a threat or demand. You are making a request and telling him that this is what it will take for you to remain in the marriage. For example, when I buy gas the attendant says it is $3 a gallon, He does not threaten or make demands, He simply tells me what is needed for him to enter into a contract to sell gas to me.
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Oh, and while he was crying, he said he doesn't want me to do anything to her. I said I'm not out for vengeance. Of course, he cares more about his affair partner than his own family.
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As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way. Technically, you aren't making a threat or demand. You are making a request and telling him that this is what it will take for you to remain in the marriage. For example, when I buy gas the attendant says it is $3 a gallon, He does not threaten or make demands, He simply tells me what is needed for him to enter into a contract to sell gas to me. It feels like it because a) I'm talking about involving his boss if he doesn't. The gas station attendant doesn't tell me he will call my boss if I choose not to get gas from him at $3 a gallon. And b) because he has already said he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. When I go to the gas station attendant, I want the gas. Either way, if this is what I have to do to save my marriage, I am going to do it. Do I have the rest right? I'm going to talk to him now.
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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purple;
He is still not your husband. He is deep in the fog, and will be for a good while after he finally goes "NO CONTACT" with the OW.
Which means he is likely to lie, EVEN TO HIMSELF.
You are putting too much stock in what he says. I understand your temptation to do this, because I did this myself. I learned the hard way (False Recovery) that you just can not believe him at this point.
Just think of him as an alien inhabiting your husband's body. He's still in there somewhere, but won't be available to you or his family until the fog clears.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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purple;
He is still not your husband. He is deep in the fog, and will be for a good while after he finally goes "NO CONTACT" with the OW.
Which means he is likely to lie, EVEN TO HIMSELF.
You are putting too much stock in what he says. I understand your temptation to do this, because I did this myself. I learned the hard way (False Recovery) that you just can not believe him at this point.
Just think of him as an alien inhabiting your husband's body. He's still in there somewhere, but won't be available to you or his family until the fog clears. Thank you. That helps. What about the rest? Do I have it right?
Me BW
Married 18 years before D-day
Kiddos - 15, 13, 6, 1
D-day - 10/14/14 Plan B - 11/30/14
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As a rule, I hate ultimatums or threats, and conflict, and that is why I have balked at telling him he has to quit or be exposed. I see now that is the only way. Technically, you aren't making a threat or demand. You are making a request and telling him that this is what it will take for you to remain in the marriage. For example, when I buy gas the attendant says it is $3 a gallon, He does not threaten or make demands, He simply tells me what is needed for him to enter into a contract to sell gas to me. It feels like it because a) I'm talking about involving his boss if he doesn't. The gas station attendant doesn't tell me he will call my boss if I choose not to get gas from him at $3 a gallon. And b) because he has already said he doesn't want to be in the marriage anymore. When I go to the gas station attendant, I want the gas. Either way, if this is what I have to do to save my marriage, I am going to do it. Do I have the rest right? I'm going to talk to him now. Purple, Just tell him that he has thirty days to leave his job. The idea is that the thirty days gives him time to leave gracefully. Sometimes a wayward trying to recover his marriage will reveal to HR that he is having a workplace affair and they will work with him and help with a transfer. Don't threaten to expose to his workplace; keep that to yourself as a part of your strategy to kill/put pressure on the affair. Also, leave out the "commit to the marriage" part. He would need to agree to your conditions, which would be to never see the OW again, and that would mean leaving his job, and possibly moving to keep away from her, a No Contact letter written by him to the OW and mailed by you, and an agreement to join you in a program of recovery.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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You tell your WH that he needs to leave that job now. Don't threaten to go to HR or anything, just know that if he won't leave the job, you DO go to HR.
If his response is that he won't leave the job, then go directly to HR.
He can't stay at that job. It is too much of a trigger for him (even if OW leaves the job.)
In my opinion, he isn't going to leave, and you'll be contacting HR. So prepare for that.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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