This forum seems like a great relationship resource. I've recently started reading love busters and hope I can find some additional help here.

My wife has a very fiery personality which is probably partly what attracted me to her in the beginning. The problem is that her fiery personality increasingly turns against me with criticism and abuse, and when it does I don't know how to deal with it.

My wife works in communication and for some reason uses that as evidence that she is an amazing communicator (and that I need to learn how to communicate). She might be a great communicator in a business sphere but in a relationship context I couldn't imagine a worse communicator.

Case in point is an argument we just had.

We have a new baby and I change most of the diapers. After the last diaper change she was complaining that I never button up his outfit after changing him.

I knew for a fact that wasn't true because it took me a few changes to figure out the right way to button his last outfit so I was obviously buttoning it at least some of the time. I knew that at least sometimes I leave his onesies open.

But her critical tone combined with an untrue statement triggered me so instead of trying to understand where she was coming from I defended myself saying that I know for a fact that I don't "always" leave him unbuttoned.

She responded by standing stronger in her position that I never button him getting worked up and saying not once have I buttoned him.

Again I can't resist the need to defend what is blatantly untrue and she insists that she knows for a fact I never button him. It escalates. I mention that maybe her memory isn't as infallible as she thinks it is. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs. When she calms down I ask her if she can consider communicating better: if instead of saying "You never do this" in a critical voice if you can say "honey can you do this in future?" nicely it would have a totally different outcome. She tells me how self absorbed I am, how its always all about my feelings and that I can never just address the issue at hand. Again I ask her if she can just ask me to do something in a nicer way: That if she can ask better she is likely to get a better result. She says she just doesn't care anymore; that she doesn't have the energy to ask me nicely. She tells me she hates me doesn't love me anymore wishes I would just go away. I tell her I feel like I'm with a little girl can't deal with this conversation any more and leave the bedroom to sleep downstairs on the couch.

It's amazing how things devolve. And we've actually been doing relatively well the last week or so, so this is even more upsetting.

I grew up in a house where instead of being comforted when any of us made a mistake we were made to feel even worse. Initially by my dad but I think in time we all learned to do it to each other.

So needless to say I get majorly triggered when I get criticised and have trouble doing anything but protecting or defending myself. My wife is also critical of me so frequently that every once in a while I feel like I need to stand up for myself...especially when I know for a fact that what she is saying isn't accurate. To do anything else feels like I'm neglecting myself.

However when I respond to her this way it ultimately devolves to such a degree that is almost beyond belief how nasty and spiteful the exchange can become. Incidentally I don't think I ever get as cruel as she can in telling me she doesn't love me, can't stand me, wish she never married me, how stupid, childish, self-absorbed, etc I am. If I called her half of the things she calls me or talked to her even remotely as badly as she often talks to me she would without a question be out the door. And sometimes I feel like I should be. But now that we have a baby it is so important that we make our relationship work. Plus when things are good between us they are amazing.

Like I said we've been doing relatively well lately so it is a shame to have this happen, but reminds me that we still have work to do.

I know it takes two and I am to blame as well, but I feel like much of the work to be done is on her side and I don't know how to make it work with someone who is so unwilling to do any work, to change their communication style, or to even admit to being wrong sometimes.

Any advice at all on how to better approach my relationship and deal with its challenges?

Thank you,
Samuel

A complaint is an irritation in a bad marriage and an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. When she made that complaint, how hard would it have been to say "I will be sure and button him up every time in the future?"

I hope you are reading Lovebusters together, because you can both stand to gain from that book. A complaint should be made respectfully and part of the reason you reacted as you did is because she made a disrespectful judgment. She could have said "how would you feel about buttoning up the baby every time you change his diapers?" You probably wouldn't have reacted the same way. Would you?

Here is a good column about complaints that really opened up my eyes: Complaining in Marriage