I'm currently in plan B, but I can't forget about the months I was in Plan A and if I did it all correctly. My main question is about the aftermath of plan A. If Plan A works, doesn't the Betrayed Wife become more bitter? The H will never be remorseful or show real empathy. If H agrees to go along with the plan of marriage building, how do you stop the resentment for the damage he caused? On the other hand, if plan B works and he comes back after he's out of the fog, isn't that a better scenerio for the betrayed wife? Does anyone understand this?

Dr. Harley has found that most women cannot do an effective plan A for more than 2-3 weeks.

First off, women are only supposed to be in Plan A for 3-4 weeks TOPS. Staying in Plan A any longer tears them down emotionally and physically. In recovery, bitterness is erased when it is replaced with a happy, fulfilling marriage. One doesn't tend to think of the tragedy of the past when the present is happy.

Plan A should only last long enough to make arrangements to separate and to leave a good taste in the WH's mouth. The betrayed wife should do her best to close the door on good terms.

How can it be done effectively if the H doesn't show remorse or try hard to work on the marriage. The WH is prob going to be in withdrawal and the H will probably be vicious towards the wife while going through the withdrawal and no contact. So how can plan A work correctly? The H will be thinking of his affair partner the whole time

Which is why Dr. Harley tells women to not be in Plan A for more than 3-4 weeks. Some women cannot go even that long.

This is extrapolation, what a "WH will probably..."

So lets address that first.

The probability, according to Dr. Harley, is that most men who choose to return to the marriage do demonstrate remorse. To paraphrase, they will return "hat in hand."

Most WWs will NOT be remorseful.

Secondly, while it would be typical for a WS to be sad/depressed during withdrawal, being abusive to their BS, being "vicious" is not typical, nor tolerable. Infidelity is already the greatest abuse a spouse could endure.

Do you even know what Plan A is? The purpose of Plan A is to a) expose the affair and b) agree to meet his needs in the FUTURE if he ends his affair and commits to the marriage.

So I have no idea what you think "remorse" or any of this has to do with it.

Please read the book!!

Plan A is for when the affair is ACTIVE. Plan A is not necessary if the affair is over.

I'm in Plan B and thousands of miles away from home. All the books I bought are home. I just wanted some clarity on people who fully understand plan A. Aren't most WH in plan A resentful? at some level, isn't the WH angry at their spouse for having them end the affair? I understand the betrayed spouse needs to show the H her best side and how the relationship can work if done right, but....I remember my H telling me the positive changes I was making were just due to competition and not going to last. Don't most WH feel this way too? I remember feeling like I was losing my self respect. His heart was cold to me and his eyes were dead. How can this change in just 2 or 3 weeks when H is mourning his affair ending? I still don't get it.

There is going to be resentment no matter what. I would think there would be more resentment if a BW had to go to Plan B. The longer the waywardness continues, the more resentment there will be to overcome.

This doesn't make any sense. Why would a WS be "mourning the end of his affair" if the affair is still ACTIVE? You Plan A a wayward in an ACTIVE affair. That is the purpose of Plan A.

Once again, Plan A is for ACTIVE AFFAIRS.

Do you mean if your H returns to you after his affair crumbles?

Firstly, if you were in Plan A for months, that's way too long for most women. They actually become LESS attractive to their husbands. Also, the woman's health starts to deteriorate quickly. Further, if she stays in Plan A for too long, she can start to hate her H, making any possibility of recovery even smaller.


Not true. Recovery doesn't always begin with remorse, but most of the time, when the affair is recovered, the formerly wayward spouse feels a great deal of regret for what he has done to his wife. Granted, they are unlikely to completely empathize with the level of pain, but there often is remorse.

Dr. Harley recommends that a man return to the woman with "hat in hand." He may not yet feel remorse, but he can be ready to start on rebuilding the marriage. Keep in mind that remorse without action is a useless remorse. Remorse is great ONLY if followed up with actions.


The resentment fades once the present marriage is great. It really does work this way! I never would have thought it possible for me to not feel resentment but once I was able to be in love with my H again, and our marriage was safe and wonderful, I don't feel resentment.

Trust is rebuilt after a couple of years, and the EPs stay in place for life. The conditions that led to the affair must be eliminated and STAY eliminated. It's not the kind of blind trust we had before; it's a "trust but verify." It means I trust that my H has my back and will continue to have good will toward me. But EPs for LIFE!


Plan B is for the purpose of preserving the betrayed spouse's health and love bank. It's not necessarily made to bring back the WS, although it can have that outcome. Plan B forces the WS to get all the ENs met by the OW and often puts them in tremendous conflict with each other.

A BS would not allow the return of a foggy wayward. First he would have to meet her conditions for recovery: No Contact for life with the OW, instituting EPs for life, and the commitment to a program of recovery of the marriage.

A WS might need to go through withdrawal and that can be painful, but it usually lasts no more than a month or so. In my H's case, it lasted for perhaps a week. Dr. Harley often suggests ADs for both spouses during this time, because it's a very depressing and difficult period to get through.

Once withdrawal is complete, then the recovery program begins. You have to wait until after withdrawal because most of the time, the WS is not able to accept love bank deposits. The BS has to be patient during this time.

Melody, I read plan A again! The WS must stop the affair and agree to work on the marriage. The affair CANNOT be active.
Here is one excerpt from plan A (from many)

"And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again."

Melody, this means the WS will be in withdrawal. Withdrawal can last a month and if that's the case, that would be a month of the WH not putting in much effort into the love bank. That being said, how can the betrayed spouse expect plan A to possibly work only after 2 or 3 weeks. This is the one part of the plan A I still don't understand. Dr Harley says to try plan A for a few weeks, but these are the weeks of withdrawal. How can a spouse watch her husband mourn over an affair without going mad? I couldn't do it, which is why I am in plan B.

I actually did this.
My former wife had an affair and I demanded that she end it; it was "ended" after some internal fight they had and she came back home devastated...mopping around the house, laying on the couch...so I was in Plan A (I had just read Surviving an Affair) and I had to literally force her to get off of the couch and move, she was so depressed.

So, you are asking how the betrayed spouse can watch this affair withdrawl and not go mad? For me, it was hope that this plan would work...

But my hope was short lived, as she quickly resumed contact with her phone and went back to him.

I look back on these events after 2 years and I smile, because although it was the worse time of my life I feel so much better now in large part thanks to avoiding contact with her.

Dr. Harley tells women to not even attempt recovery unless their husband has returned to them "hat in hand." A husband really must show some level of remorse before it is safe to try to recover with him. A husband who is pining away for the OW is NOT safe to recover with, and it is better to stay in Plan B.

For a woman, all Plan A really is is showing a WILLINGNESS to have a better, recovered marriage. But she can not stay with it for long, and you can see why. She would go mad trying to win a husband who was mourning for his affair partner. Women can't handle that. And it's not attractive to her husband if she tries to.

Plan A is only to let the WS see the best qualities of his wife before the door is slammed with Plan B. Most women can't do Plan A for long.

When/if the WH returns home and is ready to meet the conditions of recovery, he will probably go through withdrawal. Plan A does not apply, because the affair is no longer active. She does not attempt to meet the needs of the WS who is now home and in withdrawal, because she understands that his love bank is closed to her. Instead, she exercises patience and kindness, even though it hurts like heck to watch her husband grieve the OW.

When the withdrawal period is over, the program of recovery can start and little by little the love bank opens and the process of falling in love can begin.

Not every WH has withdrawal....mine didn't. If he did, he sure as heck knew better than to show it.

If the WH is not putting in much effort then he is not coming to his BW with "hat in hand" either so he shouldn't even be back in the house.

I still don't get it. The WH is fully entrenched in an affair and the spouse finds out, tells him he must stop all contact or the marriage is over and start a plan for recovery, right? I don't think most would have "hat in hand" and most would be in withdrawal and depressed. Most will be confused about what direction to take...stay or go. This may take a month or more, right? Dr Harley says to do plan A only 2 or 3 weeks. So how can this work in cases such as this? The WH won't be ready to work on rebuilding the marriage while still in withdrawal, right? I don't understand this.

No, you are not listening. I don't know how to make this any more clear. Plan A is for an ACTIVE affair. If the affair is over, then the plan is RECOVERY. IF the affair is ACTIVE, then obviously the WS will not be in "withdrawal."

You need to reserch the subject on your own.