I hope this doesn't sound like I'm putting your husband's career down, but if this career of his is so amazing, why can't he afford your airfare to Singapore? Just asking.

You know... It's interesting.

He's willing to take a polygraph.
He's willing to change jobs.

But the second I told him tonight that I didn't buy him not knowing the name of the woman he flirted with in California... The second I asked him to help me find her so he could email her saying that he's married and flirting with her was wrong...

The second I did THAT...

He lost. His. [censored].

Told me I was being stupid and ridiculous and that there was no way he would do that. He mentioned this forum so I'm going to delete my posts above just for privacy's sake.

But am I crazy in thinking that there is definitely something else going on here??

I'm standing my ground... Or... Trying to anyway. I hate when he's mad at me. But I truly feel like I'm right. I don't want to cave this time.

What do I do?

Oh wait, I guess I can't edit my posts on this forum... Or I'm just not seeing it because I write from my phone.

Is it possible for a moderator to delete for me?

wenang, we can technically afford it. But we're trying to save for a down payment on a house and pay off hospital bills. My youngest was a preemie and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. We owe close to 40 thousand dollars for her stay.

But hospital bills usually take small monthly payments. Your marriage is more important anyway so a couple of thousand dollars for a plane fare is not going to make or break. But, it will allow you to feel better and go with him on the trip, alleviate your fears, and have a beautiful bonding experience you can talk about forever.

I am one of the posters who has had my H take a poly. He also traveled for business, and had a ONS on a business trip, amongst other things over the years. I also had suspicions and my gut instinct told me there were things I didn't know. It wasn't until I demanded a poly (in such a manner that he knew I was serious, I had talked about polys before and not been serious) that I finally got the truth. Even after getting the truth, I followed through with getting the poly. If I had not, I now, years later would probably still be wondering if he was continuing to hide things from the past. I would be looking in the rearview mirror forever, and it would have prevented us from moving forward.

You need to follow through with the poly, perhaps he believes you are bluffing. Tell him you are going to give him a list of questions that you would like answers too, and that you will need his radical honesty. Ask him ANY questions you have, and you can now include things like 'do you know the name of the woman you were with in (city)' and 'is it true that you do not know the name of the woman you were with in (city)' to add to all the other questions you may have. Generally you can only ask 3-5 questions on a poly, but he doesn't need to know that and he also doesn't need to know WHICH questions from the list you gave him will be on the test.

To me it sounds like he is hiding her identity. If she was some unknown person he will never see again, there is no reason to do this. Generally this means she is someone who is still in your lives in some way, for instance someone he works with. Is there anyone he works with that comes to mind for you?

As far as I can tell (and I did a LOT of poking around), the only people from his company that went on the trip were my husband and his boss.

I have never liked the way his boss interacts with him. I've never actually met her, but he complains about her constantly. I've always thought she treated him... Inappropriately? I'm not sure how to explain. It's a feeling based on almost nothing. He's told me she's quite a bit older than him. But my brother said something not long ago about her being attracted to him. He's never met her either, so I'm not the only one that feels that way based on what my husband says, in any case.

There is an absolutely beautiful girl that works with him, but I looked her up on Facebook today and she was in Austin on the day of the conference.

I can't think of anyone else. But I agree that it sounds like he's absolutely hiding her identity. The way he talks about her... Honestly, she sounds made up. Why?

My thoughts are that it's somewhere in here:

- He slept with this girl and he's afraid she'll out him of he sends her a message.
- He's still talking to her and doesn't want to hurt that relationship
- This is someone I know. His boss??? I mean... That sounds so far fetched to me. I suppose he could have met up with someone in LA. He has an ex in California, but I doubt she would speak to him and I think she lives in another city.

I seriously just don't know what to think. And he was awful to me before he went to bed. I feel so broken and so sad.

I suspect it is the boss and he is hiding her identity. Traveling together was the perfect set up for an affair.

OEB, the best way to do this is make up a list of ALL of your questions beforehand and ask him to come clean a couple of days before the test. Treat it as an amnesty but tell him you expect him to pass the test. The polygraph will only have 2-3 questions, and he won't know which questions will be on it. You can decide which questions to ask based on his answers to your preliminary questions.

My H worked with beautiful women but the one he had the affair with, was a 55 year old very average woman. It isn't about the woman, or the physical attraction at first. It's about how she makes him feel. My H spoke about this OW all the time and very negatively. He said she is an idiot, stupid, naive, incompetent, etc. It totally threw me off track. I never suspected. But...talking about her all the time, made me suspicious. If the boss is female and she is attracted to him, he must leave the job. There's no other way. If he is accomplished at his job, he'll do fine.

He thought that if he cooperated and smothered you with niceness, you would be willing to just brush this under the rug. The fact that you are not, and are continuing to ask questions that he does not want to answer, is the reason that he is doing a 180 in his treatment of you.

He is gas lighting you through his behavior and trying to just get you to shut up about this, so he can carry on without you knowing the truth and without your interference.

Remain calm, cool and collect. Schedule the poly and simply inform him when it is, while also providing him with a list of your questions. Tell him you would like written answers to the questions prior to the poly, and his answers will be confirmed with the poly. Even if he gives you a bit more information, continue with the poly appointment! It is very common for a WS to try and get out of divulging the full truth, by giving you 'trickle truth,' so you think NOW he is being honest, but really it was just enough to make you feel that way, without divulging everything. Which means regardless of what he tells you, if anything, you want to move forward with the poly.

He will probably gaslight you, throw some crumbs at you and agree to poly - some combination of all three.

Make sure you follow through with the poly no matter what.