That's better.

What's his demeanour like towards you?

Does transfer mean same company and continuing chance of contact with OW?

If so that's only a temporary measure and he still needs a new job

He has agreed to all but #4. He is reluctantly thinking about that one.

He is just as kind as always. Helpful, thoughtful, but not remorseful. He told me his head is a mess and he doesn't know what to think. As if I didn't already know that. I realize he is still emotionally attached. He told me that he can see why I ask him for nc with her.

Transfer is like getting a job with a different company, other side of town. They wouldn't answer to the same people until you get to the chief of police.

Unless he commits to a program of recovery, he is still not serious. You will be miserable and resentful if your H does everything on this list except this one. Your marriage will be even more prone to affairs.

Purple,after an affair, the wayward spouse owes their betrayed spouse Just Compensation. He can EARN your forgiveness by doing two things:

Making your marriage safe with Extraordinary Precautions for life.

Making your marriage wonderful by following a program of recovery.

My H had two affairs. We did not recover from the first one. He ended contact and we had moved anyway because of his job, but no EPs, a pretty much dead marriage, and tremendous resentment on my part led to a very unfulfilling marriage. I was so sorry I had married him. He continued to be a flirt, we never did the POJA, yet we stayed married. I did my thing, and he did his, and we were happy enough, but living parallel lives. After his second affair, which took place while he was deployed, I was DONE with this man! But once he accepted my terms: EPs for life and a program of recovery, our marriage became better than ever before. My husband is extremely happy with the MB life, and so am I. No more resentment, no more parallel lives, fulfilled ENs, no love busters.

Can you sell your H on MB and tell him it's about making BOTH spouses very happy? If he refuses, personally I would not move forward with living in a loveless marriage. Your marriage will be crippled by his affair.

That's a decent start, but moving away, far away, from the OW is your best bet. It would be too easy for him to remain in contact with her. Either one of you could cross paths with her by accident.

He is just trying to stop you from exposing. That's all that's happening here.

Did you happen to mention the exposure to workplace to him?

He literally just returned from leave. He took a month when our daughter was born. He's been back less than a month.

Isn't he moving out? You said he was moving out to get an apartment.

purple: is your husband's head spinning? is he in a state of confusion? If you think this is the case, it's your job to make the decisions and take control of this situation. You hold more power than you think.

What do you mean by this? And yes, he's a mess.

Melody, yesterday he said he is moving out and had a lead on apartment available in three weeks. Today he said he would write the nc letter and when I asked for access to his phone/email, at first he said why, but when I said are you kidding? he handed it over.

I wasn't able to look through it properly, but he did answer the questions I had so far. I didn't ask him yet if hr still plans to move out. Honestly, I had to have a biopsy today and between the two I was such a wreck that I just couldn't ask today.

Very possible.

He is moving out to be with his girlfriend so all this nonsense about a nc letter, changing shifts, getting transferred, etc, is just a distraction to keep you from interfering with his affair.

Someone who is moving out to be with his girlfriend is not serious. He is just yanking your chain to get you off his back. All of these gestures mean nothing.

And the only thing for it is to expose at work? And just exposing to his boss won't do it?

If you want to save your marriage, you need to buck up and stop being so timid, madam. None of these actions mean a damn thing. They are empty gestures designed to keep you from interfering in the affair. Your husband is leaving you for the OW and you are talking about him changing shifts? You need to wake up before it it too late. The longer you dither, the more entrenched the affair becomes.

Stop being an enabler and start working on saving your marriage before it is too late.

Purple: What choices did you give him? Did you tell him he has to take a leave of absence and not go into work? Are you sure he asked for the transfer? please make sure he is telling the truth. He may still move out, but that doesn't mean he gets to continue the affair at work, so you need to bust it. Is he going into work tomorrow? the next day? he needs to give you his plan now! you can't keep waiting, you've given him more than 24 hours to make a decision. What is his decision?

If he is moving out to be with his mistress, then the 30 day grace period is off the table. It doesn't matter if he changes shifts or changes underwear, all those gestures mean nothing if he is not staying around to work on the marriage.

The affair should be exposed at work. Not to the janitor, not to his boss, but to the director of HR and the precinct captain on an official basis.

All of this talk about changing shifts, transferring, sending nc letters is a needless distraction that is only pettifogging the issue.

Jk, stop sitting around waiting for his decision and make a decision to save your marriage. Expose the affair to his workplace.

Well, maybe just expose to the bum that lives in the trash can at his work.
What do you think?
Obviously if you expose then you must make sure high level bosses know about it so he will be separated from the OW.