I would say that a good number of my generation do not see anything wrong with living together, either, and yet there is no way in hell my mom would have ever let me shack up with a boyfriend in her home.

That is far from the truth, he has supported them for the most part, my DD is the bum!!!

My DD wanted a big wedding with all the everything and me and her dad don't have the money for anything so they will be doing it on their own. I am not trying to make excuses for them I am just telling you what has happened.

Nor would have mine but like I said I thought it would help head them in the direction of marriage which is what I have wanted all along and they would have lived together whether they lived with me or not.

But having your daughter and her boyfriend live with you condoned and enabled their poor choice of lifestyle.

Of course we need to avoid foisting our beliefs onto others, since it's mostly futile anyway and often drives away the recipients of our unwanted wisdom; however, if an adult child makes a decision against our own beliefs, we certainly can avoid supporting the choice financially.

Yet she's making his car payments.

I have no idea why that should stop them getting married.

You want a nice steak dinner, but you are broke, so you buy hotdogs.

You want a trip to Europe, but you can't afford it, so you take a weekend trip to see the sights in the next county.

You want a big wedding, but you can't afford it, so you go get married by a justice of the peace.

I don't see any excuses as necessary - I just have no idea why you tolerate this crazy making from your daughter. If she wants to live that way, that's her choice, but why should it be at your expense? You aren't helping her by enabling such irresponsible behavior.

No, helping people live together doesn't help them move in the direction of marriage. It helps them decide that marriage is never necessary.

DD has no business getting married. If she is a bum and treated her ex-BF poorly, getting a marriage license is ill advised. She sounds very immature.

I don't think you will take any advice discontinuing this living arrangement but if you really think of this boy as a son, I would have DD move out. She has a car and furniture in storage. She needs to grow up.

But they are not doing it on their own - they are doing it on your dime.

Doesn't that drive you nuts?

What you are saying to them and to us is that you value a big wedding "party," but do not value marriage.

I didn't see an answer to this question.

I'd also like to suggest you recommend the radio show to your daughter. Handing some a book or radio show recommendation is a lot less intrusive than offering advice, especially from a mother to a grown daughter.

Maybe you could become regular listeners together!

No he is making her car payments, she has been driving the car since the beginning, he rides his bike except on days that she does not have to work and then he will take the car. It is almost paid off and most of the time she only worked part time (prior to living with me) and he made the payments yet he is willing to let her have the car.

I do not support them financially, they pay all of their own bills and split utilities and groceries with us this was just so they could save more money for the wedding my daughter wanted to have up until this OS friend moved back to our state and started hanging around (which was less than a month ago).

You are preaching to the choir I have told her this for a long time and that we could do things ourselves and it would not cost as much and that mine and her dad's wedding wasn't that expensive yet it was nice but she keeps saying that is not what she wants and she didn't want to get married until she could have what she wants.

That is why I was trying to help her get her big wedding because as horrible as it makes me feel to say, I do not know if my DD will ever find another BF that will be able to put up with her, she is not easy to deal with.

Then there is no reason he cannot afford to move out, if he is working full time plus a lot of OT.


Who took out the loan for the vehicle, did they take it out together? Whoever has the loan gets the vehicle and the payments to go with it. It doesn't really matter if your DD is using it to get to work, if it is BF's vehicle. Having to find a new means of transportation in that case is a consequence of her choice to pursue the new guy instead.

As far as the car goes...he can look at cheaper options, a less expensive car, taking the bus, sharing rides to work.... Bottom line is you are making excuses for everything from them living together under your roof, to the reason he can't possibly make it without you. You really need to stop being 'bff mom' and start being DD's mother.

If you love the bf like your own child, letting him stand on his own two feet is the way to show it. If you think its awkward, how good do you think it makes him feel about himself to be sponging off of his ex gf who left him for another guy's mother. And how attractive do you think it makes him to woman who will treat him better. Enabling him and helping him stay in this destructive situation is not showing him love AT ALL.

They both lived with you, did they not? They lived in your house and split the bills with you. That's helping to support them financially. If they wanted to live together and you didn't support that, they could have found an apartment and paid ALL their own bills without any of your support.

That's what I would have done had my daughter wanted to live with a boyfriend. I would have told her I thought it was wrong to make such a choice and that it was a poor lifestyle choice if she wants a great marriage. Then they would have had to completely support themselves by finding and funding a place to live without any financial support from me, to include splitting any bills of any sort.

Actually the advice I came to ask was how to keep my daughter from breaking up with her BF because of her OS friend and it is not that I will not take the advice about the living arrangements, it is that while yes it is my house and I could tell them both to just get out, I can't do that as my DD mother and she is the one who also wants the BF to saty because she feels guilty about breaking up with him.

And as sad as this is raven you are correct about my DD but could you throw out your own kid?

They lived on there own prior to moving in with me in two different places for a total of three years, prior to that they just dated and I am guessing spent the night at friends or something I do not know.

I have been telling my DD all this time that it is something I do not agree with and wanted it to change so SHE asked me to move in to save money for the wedding that she wanted to have and I agreed because I loved the BF and wanted them to get married.

Why? Why did you want her to do this?

Marriage Builders is about the fact that people can change. Instead of supporting her incredibly self-destructive decision to shack up with this bum, why don't you buy her some books and listen to the Marriage Builders radio show with her?