Ok I know what to do and have done it but I don't think it is going to make a difference.

My DD is not married but has been with her BF for about 5 years, she does NOT have an problem with OS friends (which she does not get from her mother, I have told her my opinion many many times).

So she has this OS friend that recently moved here from another state. Well I can tell that my DD is allowing this OS friend to fill ENs that her BF should be filling and I have tried and tried and tried talking to her about it to no avail.

So now this morning she tells me that she wants to break up with her BF and it has nothing to do with her OS friend (which I do not believe for one mintue).

She asked me to be on her side on this and I am not sure if I can even though it is my DD and they are not married.

What would you do if it were you?

The fact that your daughter is not married means she is free to have an many OS friendships as she'd like to. After five years, the relationship with her boyfriend is probably "stale." Dr. Harley recommends marriage after no more than about two years because of this.

If I was not in the habit of giving unwanted advice to my daughter, I would probably gently suggest that she be honest with her current boyfriend. But basically I would stay out of the way of an adult daughter.

The only reason I am even asking is that she did come to me this morning about it and I do agree that the relationship is probably "stale" and I do usually try really hard to stay out of my children's business unless they ask for my advice, however I think she is only doing this because of the OS friend.

And even though, once again she is my DD and I love her more than life itself, she is not the best GF in the world and I do not blame her BF for waiting to marry her.

I guess I just need to let her do her own thing and support her however I can.

Encourage your daughter to not have sex or live with boyfriends until married.
It would save her a lot of wasted time.

But it's okay if your daughter is breaking the relationship with her current boyfriend in order to date someone else. She is not married.

Do you listen to the radio show? The Harleys discuss dating a lot. They advocate lots of dating for fun, without sex or living together. They have also said that a great way to have a romantic relationship is when it starts out as a friendship.

It's tough being the mother of an adult child; I understand! My daughter is 33, married with four young children. My H and I often bite our tongues. Sometimes, in the right moment, we can occasionally offer some guidance, but mostly we bite our tongues. Because we have severely-bitten tongues , though, she has, in the last couple of years, started coming to us to ask our advice on certain topics of marriage, and we get to gently give her MB advice. That makes us very happy!

What you can do to help your DD is provide her with some MB materials. Such as "Fall In Love, Stay In Love." I would also recommend "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." I know for myself, I would have loved to know BEFORE getting marriage what I know now about how to create and maintain a great relationship and marriage. Also how to properly choose a marriage partner.

Perhaps she is a 'bad gf' because she doesn't know how to be a good one. Most of us have ended up here because we aren't exactly the worlds greatest spouse, we just didn't have the knowledge and tools how to be! Providing her with that knowledge and tools NOW would be so beneficial to her as she dates and plans for marriage someday.

There is of course no guarantee she would read any books you provide her, or heed any advice. But at least you can try to guide her in the right direction.

I guess you are right, I just thought they would get married and I love him and he is really good to her, but if she is not �happy� with him then it is definitely better to do it now than after they are married. Also I know that the dating without sex and living together is not going to happen either. And yes I do know it is tough with adult children, I have bitten my tongue more times than I can tell you

Sad to say that I am not sure if MB will help her be a better GF, like I said she is my DD and I love her more than life and would not let others talk about her but she is very very very selfish and does not think of others in most anything she does.
It is strange to me because I am not that way and neither of our other two children are that way but this one is and I am not sure if anything is going to bring her out of that.

Then it's probably a good thing that they are breaking up...even if the break up is coming from her. You said you like the BF...then he should be treated better. If DD is as selfish as you said, he is better off without her IMO. Maybe the bf will be relieved.

Well she did break up with him on Tuesday and he does seem relieved, she has already said she hopes she made the right decision because she does not know if anyone beside him can put up with her..........

And I really do want the best for the BF too because I do love him as my own son and my DD is hard to deal with even for me........

Things are really crazy here now, my DD and her BF live with us and as I said before I always thought they would get married because they have worked towards that for these 5 years getting things together like they share a bank account, they bought a car, they have a dog, all of the stuff for a house together (that is why they were staying here to save money for a down payment on a house).

So now the BF needs a car and will not be able to afford a car payment and a place to live by himself so after talking to my DD he is still going to live here but it is awkward for sure and I still feel so bad for him because he didn't see it coming at all and I also feel like a HORRIBLE mother for being so upset with my DD for all of this because she is infatuated with someone else.

S_C it is a HORRIBLE idea to let this living arrangement continue. You did not mention that DD and the BF lived with you. Sorry to say it but you are continuing to be an enabler in a bad situation. You allowed DD and BF to play house in your home and you are still enabling them to act like children out of guilt. Either DD or the ex=BF need to go. Ex-BF can find a roommate. If you feel that bad for the young man, then give him a month to find a new place and $500 to go buy a car and charge DD $500 for rent to pay you back. Or ex-BF gets the car and DD has to suck it up and deal with it.

Dr Harley strongly advises against living together before marriage. The rate of divorce increases for couples who live together before marriage. Even if not for religious or moral reasons, I would assume you want your daughter to be in a stable marriage with the best chances of longevity, in which case you would NOT want to promote this destructive living arrangement.

I would recommend you also read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. Your DD and her BF have been living as Renters, playing house with an easy out because they did not fully invest, with your blessing AND your assistance.

I don't know how old the BF is, but you need to start treating him like a full grown adult which I am guessing he is. As a full grown adult, I assume he has the ability to find himself a job, or two, or three if he needs to, in order to find himself a place to live and method of transportation.

You are not a horrible mother, but you do seem to be enabling your daughters entitled and self serving behavior a bit.

I am in shock... SC, what were you thinking when you allowed a man to sleep with your own daughter in your own home? Allowing this to take place under your roof is an endorsement.

x 2

I don't understand how they were possibly considering marriage if this guy (and even DD) can't even afford a car payment or rent on his own. If they have nothing in the bank, they would have been saving for a down payment forever. No ring and no money but they have a dog and were buying things for a house they can't afford? I don't get this at all.

Yes yes yes I know all of this but they do not believe that living together is a bad thing (most of their generation does not believe it is a bad thing and I would say 90% of their friends live together as well and no matter what I say to them I am old fashioned) they have been living together on their own since well before I let them live with me and the BF does have a job and worked two for quite a while until he got this one but he works tons of overtime so he does not really have time to work a second job.

The BF had a horrible mother who was a drug addict and died of a drug over dose when he was 15 years old and he considers me his mother. The friends he has are through my daughter and it may be awkward to ask them to be a room mate, the two of them are tring to work out all of that. This guy is an AWESOME guy who I love as deeply as I do one of my children.

I do not have the money to give him a down payment on a vehicle and the two of them are working out the down payment and such but it will take all the money they have saved and without a room mate I don't think he can afford rent, utilities and a car payment on his own. And he paid more on the current vehicle than my DD, but she will not give it up because the BF has been bicycling to work and that is the reason they figured they could get by with one car until they paid this one off and then get another one TOGETHER before it got too cold out for the BF to keep riding his bike to work. And my DD would have no other way to work besides this current vehicle.

And the reason they have household things together is because they lived in their own place before they lived with me (two different places) so they have furniture and everything which is all in storage.

My DD wants him to stay there because she feels guilty about breaking up with him out of the blue, he did not suspect anything, and she wants to pay half of his car payment until he can pay it off. I am not sure about the BF, I think he is still just kind of in shock because it was very much unexpected.

Yes, but the issue is YOUR BELIEF since they live in YOUR HOME. What if your daughter believed that mainlining heroin was a good thing? Would you allow her to do something so self destructive in your home? Why would you enable your own daughter in such self destructive behavior?

I understand what you are saying Melody but regardless of my beliefs I can't push them on my children, I have always encouraged to them to form their own opinions and while I tell them all the time that they should be married it does not change anything and they would live together anyway so my thought process was that if I let them live with me long enough to save toward their marriage and house then at least I was doing something to head it in that direction.

And I most certainly would throw my daughter and her BF out on the streets if they were doing drugs or any other illegal activity.

I would leave beliefs out of it - having adult children living with you long term when those adult children seem incapable of caring for themselves is going to make you crazy.

They will not learn to fly until they are knocked out of the nest.

This guy is a deadbeat for shacking up with some girl and letting the girl's mother pay for his living expenses. He's a bum. He needs to be gone today, and she needs to be given notice that she's got a month or a week or something to find some other arrangement for herself.

No wonder your daughter is not in love with him any more - he's a bum!

How much does it cost to get married? A license is less than $50, right?

How many years have they lived with you, and they still don't have $50 to their name?