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My family all live in Texas and my friends here do not want to get involved. My husband is a police officer here.
~Just keep swimming~
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Cherry,
Dr. Harley would encourage you to separate immediately.
You were told to separate nearly a year ago on this thread.
This is what I suggest: have a friend or sister come to the home and help you pack while he is at work. If he comes home and interfers call the Police and they will keep everything orderly. X2 ok here is an update unfortunately my husband and I will most likely be getting a divorce. the mental abuse has become too much.even through counseling he has lied to me. but the other day he did something that I consider to be extremely unforgivable. I am already struggling with depression and anxiety following his affair and on top of not being supportive of the fact that he was the cause of them, he has made little effort to make me feel better. or even make me feel like things are going in a better direction now.
the other day we were fighting and I asked him why the physical part of our relationship has not been progressing as needed for me to get over that portion of it. during this discussion it turned into a fight and he got mad and came towards me. He grabbed the fat on the front of my stomach which is not much, and yelled this is why I find this f***ing disgusting. I was appalled and my reaction was just to stand there in shock as the one I love attacks me further in my self esteem. I feel destroyed and I told him well God forbid I have your children cuz my body will change more. I now can no longer see a life with him...I can no longer see a future. the damage that he has done to my self esteem as well our marriage has become too much for me to ignore.
I am scared though because I don't know how to leave. I am the kind of person who would love to be amicable about this I just don't get it when people say they want an amicable divorce. If you had an amicable relationship you wouldn't be getting a divorce you would be working on the relationship. Lazy people, or adulterers get amicable divorces. The rest of us divorced because our spouse was abusive or unfaithful. That doesn't mean there has to be conflict. Simply change the locks when he is out, have his stuff sent on with a letter informing him you will not be in contact with him because of the level of personal abuse he puts you through. Change your number unless you enjoy pointless and abusive conversations. Include details of an intermediary if you need one or want to do a Plan B or you could just send one asking him to stay away.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/23/14 01:07 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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My family all live in Texas and my friends here do not want to get involved. My husband is a police officer here. In this situation I would consider just moving myself. Home perhaps? You don't have very good friends where you are.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm not afraid of him hitting me If he will do this: He grabbed the fat on the front of my stomach which is not much, and yelled this is why I find this f***ing disgusting. then he is not above hitting you. You need to leave, Cherry. Change the locks. Or pack your things and go home to Texas for a 2 week vacation while you figure things out. Just leave.
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There is the problem of my job that I have to deal with. I must give two weeks notice. I am the manager of the store. I have been treated very well by this company and have excelled career wise here. I really need them as a good reference.
~Just keep swimming~
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Then make a plan. If you are going to move, give your two week notice. Can you go home for the weekend and talk to your family about all this?
Have you told your family what he is doing to you?
You need to separate. What is your plan?
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They know. But I cannot go home. We share a vehicle so I won't be able to convince him to let me take it 6 hours away. Plus he'll never let me use the money I would need for gas. I'm going to talk to my boss as soon as I can today. As manager, I have to work most of the time. I'm hoping my boss (who has been in an abusive relationship) will understand when I tell her I have to quit. Im going to tell her if worst comes to worst and I need to leave for my safety will I still get a good reference?
~Just keep swimming~
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You probably will get a good reaction from your boss Cherry but what if you did not? There's conscientious and there's crazy. Your sanity and safety trump any job.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/23/14 02:06 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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They know. But I cannot go home. We share a vehicle so I won't be able to convince him to let me take it 6 hours away. Plus he'll never let me use the money I would need for gas. He doesn't get a say in this, Cherry. Don't negotiate it with him.
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When I kicked my husband out of the house, I didn't negotiate anything with him. I didn't worry about where he would sleep, or what he would eat, or how he would pay for anything.
Your husband is a big boy. He can figure out how to take care of himself. You don't ask him if you can take the car. You take it, you buy gas, and you go.
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They know. But I cannot go home. We share a vehicle so I won't be able to convince him to let me take it 6 hours away. Plus he'll never let me use the money I would need for gas. That will be kind of a moot point after you are gone and the gas money is spent.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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They know. But I cannot go home. We share a vehicle so I won't be able to convince him to let me take it 6 hours away. Plus he'll never let me use the money I would need for gas. Just take it! You don't need to PoJA with a man if you're leaving. You won't hear any more about it if you change your number/ throw your phone into a lake. Hock something if you need gas money. Move any funds you need into your own account. Just call the police first and tell them you afraid of your husband and will be leaving in your shared vehicle and you are afraid he may report it stolen. They know that shared property isn't their issue and that your lawyers will handle it. You weren't seriously going to ask his permission to leave in your car were you?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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There is the problem of my job that I have to deal with. I must give two weeks notice. I am the manager of the store. I have been treated very well by this company and have excelled career wise here. I really need them as a good reference. Then give your notice but ask them to keep it quiet. Explain to your supervisor that you are in a situation of domestic violence and ask them not to discuss anything with your husband
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Cherry: My husband was incredibly mean to me the months before we separated. He said horrible things....things I couldn't believe would ever come out of his mouth. After I discovered his Affair, I lost a lot of weight. I went down to 95 lbs. When I was getting out of the shower, my husband pulled me in front of the full length mirror and said "look how disgusting you look", "I can't even look at you". Even though he was the cause of me losing weight, he never acknowledged it. He said other things which were even worse. Now I realize he was saying these things to get me to hate him. He was planning his exit, and knew it would be easier if I didn't fight it and gave in to a separation.
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Cherry,
Does he work 12 hour shifts?
Just leave during the shift.
If you have any problems call and speak to the Chief of Police
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The difference is, im not kicking him out. Im wanting to leave...thats much harder to do. I dont want the rental house...I cant afford to live here. Also im starting to have an anxiety attack right now just thinking about confrontation...
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Are you still on ADs? If not, you should probably get back on them. They will help clear your mind, feel more hopeful, and make decisions.
Dr. Harley would have advised you to get back into Plan B unless your WH was willing to recover the marriage, meaning EPs for life and the restoration of romantic love. If he is unwilling to either one of these parts of recovery, Plan B is the best place for you.
If you can't afford your own place where you currently live and work, then make plans to leave as soon as possible and go to your family. Your workplace will carry on, so don't worry more about them than you do about yourself. Transfer enough funds to take care of yourself. Don't worry about how your H will take care of himself. He'll have to manage.
You need to be in Plan B. Get away from this unrepentant wayward.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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The difference is, im not kicking him out. Im wanting to leave...thats much harder to do. I dont want the rental house...I cant afford to live here. Also im starting to have an anxiety attack right now just thinking about confrontation... There isn't going to be one! Leaving is not a confrontation. You have been severely controlled. It's not confrontation you are scared of but of doing something without his express permission. You'll be fine once you're out of there.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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The difference is, im not kicking him out. Im wanting to leave...thats much harder to do. I dont want the rental house...I cant afford to live here. Also im starting to have an anxiety attack right now just thinking about confrontation... It isn't too much harder, just different planning. The hard part is giving yourself permission to do it. So tell yourself that you're going to do it, and start planning. You do not need HIS permission. Give your notice at work. Transfer or withdraw the funds you'll need. Take the car. Go. Never breath a word of it to him. You're not going to talk about it with him. You are not going to face a confrontation. He will know when you are long gone.
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