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I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live but she is too upset about the OS friend no longer coming over that she has been in her room most of the night she did not even come down for dinner. Did I read somewhere that she's 24? It's time for her to stop acting like a highschooler. She's a woman now, and it's time to grow up. By 24, I was already married, making payments on my own home, and had 2 kids. She's still acting like she's in highschool. You've allowed her to get away with that. Kick the little birdie out of the nest and tell it to fly!
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Ok so I told the BF he had until the middle of next month to get a vehicle and another place. Great job!!! How long did you give your daughter until?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live What in the world are you lecturing her for?  How long are you giving her to get out? Quit trying to make her feel the way you think she should feel. Just let her know how long she has until the locks are changed.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You can't teach your daughter empathy by telling her how other people feel, so don't lecture her. All you will do is teach her not to listen to you.
Are you under the impression that if you just say the right magic words to her she won't have to leave???
How long did you give her to get out and take responsibility for herself?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Wow. I know how much we want to help our kids, but sometimes it is best for them if they get to try to fly or fail on their own.
Especially on the marriage front, where it is exceedingly difficult for a parent to help her own kid in a relationship that the parent does not fully understand.
Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.
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I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live but she is too upset about the OS friend no longer coming over that she has been in her room most of the night she did not even come down for dinner. Did I read somewhere that she's 24? It's time for her to stop acting like a highschooler. She's a woman now, and it's time to grow up. By 24, I was already married, making payments on my own home, and had 2 kids. She's still acting like she's in highschool. You've allowed her to get away with that. Kick the little birdie out of the nest and tell it to fly! As was I except I only had 1 child. Have any of you heard that this generation stays home longer than our generation? I can tell you just off the top of my head of 10 of my children's friends who still live at home, most of them with their BF/GF and 2 with a baby as well. Kids live at home longer these days so I have no intention of throwing my DD out of my house, my eldest DD lives with us too so I guess their dad and I are big enablers when it comes to that.
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I understand what you are saying Melody but regardless of my beliefs I can't push them on my children, That doesn't mean you have to enable your own children in your own home. Being an enabler is not a good example of parenting. You allowed your own daughter to be treated as an unpaid wh*re right under your own roof in a destructive relationship. You condoned it. You didn't have to allow your daughter to shack up like a hoe in your own house. All it did was wreck her relationship and wreck her life. Parents are supposed to use their influence to persuade their children to make SOUND decisions. My DD was shacking up before she moved into my home and I do not consider her a hoe or a cheap wh*re. And I told her many times that she should be married before she even has sex with someone but that does not change that FACTS.
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I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live What in the world are you lecturing her for? How long are you giving her to get out? Quit trying to make her feel the way you think she should feel. Just let her know how long she has until the locks are changed. I was not lecturing her, I was simply telling her that the BF needs to go and the only way that can happen is to take the majority of the savings so she would know that it will be gone. And as I told your wife, I have no intention of making my DD leave my home.
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You can't teach your daughter empathy by telling her how other people feel, so don't lecture her. All you will do is teach her not to listen to you.
Are you under the impression that if you just say the right magic words to her she won't have to leave???
How long did you give her to get out and take responsibility for herself? Once again I was not trying to teach her anything just inform her what was going to happen with her and the BFs savings. And she does not have to get out.
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Wow. I know how much we want to help our kids, but sometimes it is best for them if they get to try to fly or fail on their own.
Especially on the marriage front, where it is exceedingly difficult for a parent to help her own kid in a relationship that the parent does not fully understand. I guess I am not sure what you mean by this, I was not trying to help her relationship other than trying to help her have her "wedding" that she wanted and help THEM get a house.
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And my DS who is my youngest is married and buying a house.
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Dr Harley had an interesting discussion on today's radio program; he talked about parents teaching their children to be thoughtful, which will serve them well in life.
You can hear the program until 1 pm CST today (Tuesday.)
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this, S_C.
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.
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Dr Harley had an interesting discussion on today's radio program; he talked about parents teaching their children to be thoughtful, which will serve them well in life.
You can hear the program until 1 pm CST today (Tuesday.)
I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this, S_C. Unfortunately I am at work and am not allowed to listen to anything, it would be blocked from access, I am surprised MB is not blocked from my access. However all of my children are grown, I think it is already past the "teaching" time in their lives. This is something she will have to figure out on her own. Even though lots of people have told her (me, her dad, her siblings, her BF, her friends) that her actions are not nice and are selfish she doesn't think they are and until she sees it there is not a whole lot I can do about it. It still does not change the fact that it gives me great anxiety and pain that she is the way she is.
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Her selfishness is her manipulation tool to get what she wants.
As long as that tool continues to work by being enabled to not have to grow up and act responsibly and maturely, she will continue to utilize it until it stops working.
LTL
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Her selfishness is her manipulation tool to get what she wants.
As long as that tool continues to work by being enabled to not have to grow up and act responsibly and maturely, she will continue to utilize it until it stops working.
LTL Her selfishness does not work on me however because "I" do not let her use it to her advantage. And my other children are not selfish and one of them lives with me and their dad too. I guess I do not understand how me letting her live at home is enabling her selfishness, she would be selfish whether she lived at home or not, it is her nature. I just dislike her nature and wish there was something I could do to not let it bother me so bad or make her not be that way and me get so angry with her when she is.
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You just have a justification or make excuses for her, on and on. I get it. No matter what, she is your daughter.
But, how mature and responsible is she becoming this way?
And, if you dislike her nature and it bothers you so much, would it bother you less if she wasn't in your face every day?
How much does her attitude bother you? Is it enough to do something about it?
If not, then just accept it and don't letther character flaws eat away at you. You only have direct control of your reactions.
LTL
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I guess none of you will make me see that letting her live at my home enables her selfishness.
She pays her own bills, she buys her own groceries, she pays her own insurance, she pays part of our utilities, she does her own laundry, we take turns cooking dinner and doing the dishes. The only thing she is not paying is rent so I do not understand how that is enabling selfishness.
And as far as how bad it bothers me, it bothers me a lot, I do not like that she is that way just because I don't think anyone should be that way and I did not teach her to be that way so I hate that she is and I tell her every time she does something selfish but it does not make her stop, she will do it again the next time she wants what she wants.
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The reason I say that is because my eldest DD who also lives at my home is quite the opposite, she gives almost to a fault, almost to where she has nothing.
I remember when they were younger and in a girl scout troop, when they sold all of their cookies and was deciding what to do with the money, my eldest DD wanted to give it to the less fortunate. The rest of the troop did not lol.
That is why I say that I do not feel allowing her to live at my home enables her selfishness because it is the same situation with my other DD and she is not selfish.
Last edited by Still_Crazy; 10/28/14 10:17 AM.
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I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live but she is too upset about the OS friend no longer coming over that she has been in her room most of the night she did not even come down for dinner. Did I read somewhere that she's 24? It's time for her to stop acting like a highschooler. She's a woman now, and it's time to grow up. By 24, I was already married, making payments on my own home, and had 2 kids. She's still acting like she's in highschool. You've allowed her to get away with that. Kick the little birdie out of the nest and tell it to fly! As was I except I only had 1 child. Have any of you heard that this generation stays home longer than our generation? That is a choice YOU make, not a choice SHE makes. Have you ever read Pepperband's excellent post "locus of control"? Do you have an internal locus of control, or an external locus of control? (Hint: you want to have an internal locus of control) Locus of controlYou are in control of the decisions you make; not your daughter. You are in control of yourself, or at least you very well should be. YOU decided to let her stay home longer - you don't have to do that! This generation also has really piss poor marriages with astronomical infidelity and divorce rates. This generation also shacks up like whores. If everybody jumped off of a bridge, would you want your child to jump, too?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That is why I say that I do not feel allowing her to live at my home enables her selfishness because it is the same situation with my other DD and she is not selfish. I stayed with my dad till I was 20 and with my grandparents till I was 23. It worked out great for me. For my stepbrother, however, he absolutely needed to be out on his own. When he stayed late with his mother it enabled him to be selfish and lazy - she was actually having to wake him up to go to work every morning at age 22! Just because it works for one child does not mean it is a good idea for your other child. OBVIOUSLY it is not working for her. OBVIOUSLY. You can see this for yourself - don't try to talk yourself out of it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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