Good job in staying calm. You are James Bond now, focus on the facts and being so cool it throws her off her tracks. She will be expecting a throw down.

WW - 'How can you destroy my life like this???' Rusty - 'Any consequences are due to you having an affair, not to me telling the truth. Would you like a glass of water?'

WW - 'I hate you! I want a divorce!' Rusty - 'I have a great plan for rebuilding our marriage and making it great! First you will need to end your affair. Would you like a cookie?'

Wow, unwritten, were you here during our conversations??!! I was just accused of trying to ruin her life and "framing her for having an affair" and told that this can't make her love me and that I "suck!"

I am being super pleasant and calm. The truth will do that to you!!

I spoke with her mom and sisters who all believed me (at least initially, who knows how she will try to spin it) and said that it made sense. I feel a bit bad that I may have exposed the OMW in this, because WW will tell OM that his wife knows and maybe she was planning something else. But you know what, that's not my concern!!

All our friends have been super-supportive thus far, one ever revealed that her husband had an affair after the birth of their daughter. Her friends haven't replied back to me yet, and she claims that they thought that I was "psycho" for putting it together. But it could just be her spin again.

I also told her that I'm not leaving the house and if she wants space, she can move out. She said she will not and we'll just sell the house. I also said that i'm no longer sleeping in the basement and will sleep in our bed. She initially said that she will sleep there too, but now claims that she feels "unsafe" with me in the bed because I'm "psycho" and trying to "ruin her life." I will try to stand my ground and get her to sleep in the basement but I don't want her to fabricate any sort of story. I have a pocket recorder that I turn on during our conversations to protect myself. Who knows what she will do in this state.

Good job! Now onto the OMW tomorrow?

And are your exposure targets contacting your wife?

The next step is to tell her she has to leave that job. This will never work unless she leaves. What is your plan for that?

Good job Rusty!!! Have you already sent the work exposure email to HR and OM's boss? WW's and OM's heads may explode at work tomorrow...which is a GREAT thing!!

What did your attorney tell you today?

**edit**

Beware of the "unsafe" comments- that equates to police calls. It will happen.

Listening to the recordings of your wayward talk to her "adultery" partner is the most gut wrenching thing you will ever do. Might want to get a trusted friend do it who will summarize. this will save you some of the trauma.

GREAT JOB!

Did you expose at work? This is an absolute must.

Beware of the "unsafe" comments- that equates to police calls. It will happen.

Listening to the recordings of your wayward talk to her "adultery" partner is the most gut wrenching thing you will ever do. Might want to get a trusted friend do it who will summarize. this will save you some of the trauma.

GREAT JOB!

Did you expose at work? This is an absolute must.

Yes, listening was incredibly painful. She said things that will probably make it impossible to go back (I also think they were intimate during one of the tapes, though its hard to hear). But she's also still a little conflicted about this and cracks are starting to develop in the facade of her relationship with OM. For instance, she was upset w/ him that he didn't leave the bar when she wanted to go. I need to keep driving that wedge between them further.

There are a number of problems: OMW may be having her own affair and I think wants out of her marriage, which means that OM has every incentive to pursue WW. I've also now tipped my hand about the PI, so she may be much more careful. I think one or two of her close friends, including one at work, may know.

The "unsafe" comments worry me too. I've been very calm and composed and trying to be cheerful. She's giving the cold shoulder and basically not speaking with me. But I did leave the house with them this morning and we all went to a coffee shop and dropped the kids at school. I will keep that up, just going with Plan A for a bit longer, even though it's very difficult. (I'll probably start another thread about when to switch to plan B, though it will be hard because neither of us is leaving the house).

I did sleep in our bed last night, she slept in our daughter's room. So that's one battle that I won.

I exposed to the head of their region and the head of HR. I think they know (I overheard her say something about "leave of absence") but I will follow up with the HR person today and if he's non-responsive, I will expose to a lot of her colleagues and professional associates. She claims I'm fabricating and trying to get her fired.

I am also not sure how's she spun this to her family. They were initially on my side and believed me, but I think her mother was upset that I told many other family members. She may have swayed her. I am torn about reaching out to her grandmother. I know granny will come down hard on her, but her mom will be pissed at me.

Thank you all for the support.

Attorney said not to move out but also to lay low and gather further evidence and not confront her or tell anyone. I told him that this was creating a lot of conflict. He said that we needed more evidence to build a case and use as leverage for a larger settlement, which is something I don't really care about.

My concern is how this will affect custody, particularly if she spins it as me destroying her job.

Rusty, do this TODAY! Call the grandmother today and enlist her support. This needs to be done before your wife gets to her and lies. You never know who will get through to your wife and the grandmother may be the one.

When you speak to your mother in law, explain to her that this is being done to protect and save your marriage and family. You can tell her about Dr Harley and his program.

I think reality is seeping in for her to some extent, after an idyllic trip abroad. She was crying on the phone to OM about how the apartment she went to see (that she thought I was going to rent) was dumpy and she was depressed about picturing the kids there. Now that she knows I'm not leaving the house and we would have to sell it, it may have more effect on her. She's very concerned about the kids' wellbeing and has some doubts about tearing apart the family. And she's worried about being alone, so I have to play that up.

The problem is that he's obviously in favor of her moving along with the divorce especially because his own marriage is failing. So he's trying to comfort her and convince her that things will be fine. It's painful to see her buying all his BS and not realize that he's doing the same thing to his wife that she's doing to me (and so will likely to WW in the future).

I do want to reach out to OM's family and expose to them, but I don't know how. He doesn't have FB and I know very little about him in general.

Rusty,
When I was in your position I wanted in my heart to divorce my wife. The betrayal and the anger and resentment were very hard to get past. But I stuck to my vows in spite of my feelings. She divorced me, and only when the process was complete (11 months later) was I ready to move forward in a life without her.

But I learned 3 months after the divorce was final that my Plan A was effective. And she came back after hitting rock bottom. It was a difficult reconciliation, but now we have a marriage that is as happy and healthy as it has ever been.

The way you feel about things now can change. Put your best efforts into Plan A.

Great job with your investigations and with exposure. Next steps are showing your wife that you offer a safe landing from her fall. You do this by showing her you care and still love her.

I am not quite sure I should tell the MIL this, because it will be funneled back to WW. MIL already knows that I want to do this because WW hasn't been acting like herself (the "fog") so I hope she will understand, but I know she will be pissed. I told MIL's sister's family in an email, I think she was very upset about it, because she doesn't want this getting out. But I will try the grandmother.

Thanks JT3OU, that's is comforting. I actually got a response email from one of our friends confessing that her H had an affair after the birth of her daughter, so it's more common than I perhaps realized.

I am still sticking to plan A - (but yes, listening to some of the things they said makes it very difficult to think that I could ever forgive her and get past all that). But while she's hostile to me, it's actually easier to be buttery sweet to her.

Thanks for the encouragement.

We are not trying to help you get a divorce. We are trying to help you save your marriage.

I am not sure it's worth saving. Especially after hearing all those things she was saying to OM.

The benefit of the exposure has been a great outpouring of support from both likely and unlikely sources. I try to draw strength from that.

Consider calling MB coaching and talking to Steve Harley. Sure, recognizing and confronting the truth is short term very painful. Still it can be the beginning, the hitting bottom moment, that allows your marriage to become new and better. Steve Harley can give you this guidance. You may need the voice in the desert NOW.

Good job exposing!

Be calm,cool and James Bond, (someone already said this) be pleasant.
Typically, now you need to watch out for her picking fights and irrational behavior.
Also be on the look out for the seduction game, where she will try to get you to have sex either to put you off your goal or a rape claim.

Waywards are in utter panic mode at this point and will try about anything, so be careful.

Great job on reclaiming the marital bed, that sends a powerful message that 1. you are not giving up, 2. that you are taking action and being a man.

Steve can help you manage your emotional reaction to the crazy making fog babble and hold steady in a plan for a period of time.

X 2 on calling the grandmother.

MIL is already pissed so being a little more pissed...oh well. If grandma is likely to deliver a sledgehammer then make it happen!! I don't think I would mention MB to anyone though vs just sticking with you are trying to save your marriage and protect your children. People don't always get MB and then start trolling the Forum to see what a BSs plans are....I wouldn't risk trying to educate pissed off people at this point.