There is always going to be spin so don't worry about that. So long as you are not acting like a violent crazy man, there's not much to their whining. WW cheated...she is a liar and abused her position at work too. That OWM may be a cheater too...that is not your concern so stay focused.

I had almost the same situation as you except my exWH was the POSOM boss and the BH was also a WH. I didn't know about MB at the time but I nuked the affair for no other reason than to keep the POSOW away from my children. If I ended up divorced, fine but no way was that tramp going to be around my children. And I was also in Plan D/FU too but ended up in Recovery. You can decide whether or not you want to recover the marriage later. For now focus on breaking up the affair so dbag OM doesn't stand a chance to be around your children.

Yeah, I need to know how to keep him the [censored] away from my kids. He's already been around a few times when I'm not there. I just reached out to the Nanny (who hadn't read the email) and got to her first and asked her to tell me when he comes around. I need all the allies in this that I can get.

Going to call the grandmother next.

And call OMW!! You not contacting her is a mistake...I don't care what your lawyer says. If OMW is ready to divorce her WH and is possibly a WS herself she may hate his guts and will be happy to give you some ammo to stick it to him (and in theory your WW too). The BH/WH in my situation was more than happy to share nuking info.

Your children may be very young but they understand the simple concept of good and bad. You can tell your children that WW's boss is a bad man who they should stay away from because he is hurting their family.

Rusty,

One thing to keep in mind, perhaps you read it here already, is that your WW in a very real way is addicted to OM just as a alcoholic is addicted to booze. Hate the affair love the affairee.

You or I could just as well become addicted to some OW if we lowered our boundaries around the opposite sex.

The behaviors of addicts like selling off family heirlooms, their bodies and betraying loved ones that you see crack heads doing are very like those your WW has the potential to do.

Check www.veromi.com to try and find OMs family.

God Bless
Gamma

Rusty,

It may be the OM who is creating the appearance of the OMW having an affair btw.

If the OMW is really having an affair it may be a revenge affair after suffering years and multiple affairs by the OM. It is classic for OM to rewrite their marital history to make themselves look like victims.

This is why it is important to speak with the OMW, she may have knowledge about the OM prior affairs, which you can feed back to your WW, destroying WW illusion that she is something special to OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Rusty: I've been in your shoes regarding the conversations between "them" and how it makes you question if this is all worth it. You have to remember that she is deep in a fog and YOU are also in a fog. You are in shock. It's much too early to make any life altering decisions except for one... which is to break up the affair. If this can be done, the fog can lift and you both can see things more clearly.

WW talked to her lawyer and is not happy about the email blast, trying to paint me as unstable. Since my lawyer advised me not to confront her or tell people, he's obviously not thrilled either (though I think he will understand the emotional state).

WW claimed in an email to friends that she's safe, that I'm unstable and that her parents are coming down. We were seen this morning by a bunch of people (nanny, preschool teachers) and we were acting normally, so hopefully thats good.

Do you live in a fault-divorce state?

Nope.

Then why is your attorney interested in more affair documentation? Does it affect custody or asset division?

You shouldn't make your decision based on that. The decision should be based on her willingness to take the appropriate steps to recover your marriage. I realize she is not there now, but as her affair crumbles due to exposure, her feelings will change. You can have a marriage that is dramatically better than what you had before if you use this program.


yeah!!

Our emotional state is perfectly well grounded. WE are the ones who told you to do this. NOT for emotional reasons, but for the purpose of saving your marriage. You didn't do this because you are reckless loose cannon, but because of a strategic plan presented to by clinical psychologist, Dr. Bill Harley. The whole exposure step was devised by him.


The WS always paints the BS as "unstable" when he fights the affair. This is routine. Anyone with a brain can see through that. She is just trying to discredit you. This is why you need to make sure folks have the evidence of the affair.

Rusty, I want emphasize again that exposure is not an "emotional" tactic. It is a finely planned strategic maneuver that is designed to kill the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them causes them to crumble. It is no fun to have an affair when everyone is looking on in horror!

In the meantime:

1. CALL THE OMW

2. CALL THE GRANDMOTHER

Finish up your exposures so you can move onto next steps. Don't drag this out any more.

I had to take the site down, on the advice of counsel. But it served its purpose (though I probably could have put most of this evidence into the email)

You are getting great advice today, Rusty. Stay the course and know that exposure, according to Dr. Willard Harley who has saved thousands of marriages from the harsh destruction of affairs, is the single most important action that can save your marriage.

Your attorney does not understand how to save a marriage from the devastating tragedy of an affair. Dr. Harley does. Let not your heart be troubled. You are taking the right steps.

In case you haven't noticed, your wife's mind has been kidnapped by aliens. She is deep in the fog and is not herself. I'm not excusing her horrible choices. But if she comes out of the fog, she will return to her old self. Trust me on this.

I agree with this. I do have to strike a bit of a middle ground with respect to the attorney because it may affect custody determinations if I'm acting unreasonably. But the site served its purpose, and hopefully will start cracking the facade of their alternate reality.

The fog is very deep - I hear it on the tapes - but there are moments when a) she's unhappy w/ him (already! it's been only a half-year or year tops) and b) she worries about what she's doing. So hopefully with some time the fog will dispel. I don't know how things will go, but we'll see.

Agree 100% with what Mel said about exposure NOT being an emotional reaction. If you use emotions as an excuse for exposing then you also shoot yourself in the foot and are essentially saying you are a mess who makes decisions on emotion. That is the wrong attitude to have and the wrong message to send.

You also did not HAVE to take the website down. If you did, that is your choice so own it. Your lawyer can't dictate your life unless you allow it.

I was lucky to have a great attorney when my wife and I were going through our divorce. I wasted no time meeting with her, because I needed to protect my children from the affair. But I am no fool. I listened to what my lawyer directed me to do. She was great. However, there were a couple of times when I did not take her advice. I fought assertively for my marriage using MB principles while securing custody of my children and protecting assets. Emotion, whim and caprice were left out of the decision-making process. Those couple of times that did not take my lawyer's advice served me well because they were in line with clear objectives.

Your attorney will not have intimate knowledge about situations that you possess. And his objective is not to save your marriage. You will have exercise discernment in these areas.

You're doing a fabulous job.