I just found out about my H's affair one week ago. The prior 3 weeks I was under the assumption it was only an EA. This is a co-worker who occasionally works in the office with him. She is married also, with 2 small kids. Lots of details there but right now I just need some investigation advice... The affair went on for about 2 months.
He has told me he was so wrong, blah blah, wants to save our marriage and family, completely agrees to therapy, willing to do whatever it takes. We called her together and broke it off the night I found out. It was a 30 second call. Our therapist has told him he has to tell us of ANY encounter with this woman whatsoever, and he tells me that she will most likely leave this office to work in another branch. I have no proof that they are not still in contact. He swears he never wants to see her again. I wants to expose him to the OW husband but he told me that he is a dangerous, abusive husband and the OW said he will probably try and kill him. Of course I'm concerned about my husbands safety, but I want this nightmare to end.
My question is..
He has a work laptop that I can't mess with bc of legal documents on there for clients, crazy internet security stuff. I want to track his GPS, deleted texts, current texts, calls, etc on his iphone. I'm sick to death that I'm even coming to this thought. I have read ALL through the forum, trying to figure out what program to use. Can anyone advise me on a program that will do all these things I need?
I don't have his Apple ID. He allows me to check his phone, email for proof, but I know there are ways around all of this. Last night he told me that the OW text him the day before, and never told me until I asked. This was a breach in our agreement,. She text him that she felt used like a piece of trash, I enjoy this.
Flexispy doesn't capture deleted texts
Wondershare only gives old info
Teensafe is often inaccurate
???
Any ideas?
It's for an iphone 4, I don't have his Apple ID, he has never backed up his phone in 2 years.

Please anyone?

I'm sure someone with more experience will be here shortly to here to help you.

I suggest you click notify to the mods and have this thread moved to Surviving an affair, you will get more help there.

Your wh needs to find another job pronto.

I think this thread might help you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2826225#Post2826225

Welcome to MB, Enough. Unfortunately, your husband is still in contact with the OW. They cannot work together and NOT be in contact. His job will also always be a risk, since you are not allowed to monitor his computer.

If your marriage will have any hope, he will need to quit his job, and find another in which you will be allowed to monitor him.

The below checklist is from the book "Surviving an Affair." Have you read it?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

There are many in your post and I can tell you if you don't follow MB advice that the affair will continue.

The first thing that jumped out at me is that you seem to be listening to your WH's words...which is always a big mistake. He cannot be trusted right now, until he and the OW are completely separated (aka they do not work together) and he has had a chance to de-fog. He's not even close, right now.

I will be back...

I am very sorry to tell you this is probably more than an EA. And an EA is not "only an EA"' any way - they are just as dangerous as a PA.

Any therapist who allows for the possibility of contact is not a good therapist.

Your husband needs to be taking steps to NOT ALLOW contact, not making agreements with you on what he will do if there is contact. There should never be contact. Ever.

And you should never trust him to do so. She is a like a drug to him. He will not be able to resist contact with her if he has the chance, and he will not tell you that he slipped up and took his drug again. He will hide it.

So contact must be made impossible.

And this is a great example of why therapists can be so dangerous to a M trying to recover from an affair. They have absolutely no idea what they are doing. "Telling you about any encounter" does not keep you safe.

The first step in saving your M is to establish NC - which has not happened if they work together. Nevermind that a wayward cannot be trusted to "tell you" when they see their affair partner.

I would forget about the therapy and focus on killing this affair....

This is a very common wayward tactic that I have seen used many times over my years reading on this forum. Not to mention it is exactly what my own ex WH told me about OW....which was a complete LIE.

Again, unless you can verify it, you cannot trust one word that comes out of your WH's mouth.

This is another wayward tactic designed to prevent you from exposure. We see this excuse FREQUENTLY on this forum.

You should not be discussing exposure with your WH by the way. You really need to accept the fact that he is not making decisions in your marriage or your family's best interests at this time.

I understand I need to kill the affair, so what do I do next, kick him out until he leaves his job? He has confessed the PA to me, I previously thought it was only emotional. They had 3 encounters. I want to start the tracking on his phone so I need help with that. Anyone? He's sleeping in our guest room and is sitting with me every single night letting me ask him things talking...been checking in every few hrs to be accountable so he seems to be making effort. He even told me I can go talk to her if it makes me feel better. Ugh!

The tracking is pointless - they still work together = affair is still on. Even if your
tracking picks up nothing ------ > the affair is still ON.

Who has this been exposed to?

Why is he sleeping in your guest room?

You should be in Plan A = demonstrating a willingness to meet his ENs, avoiding lovebusters and exposing the affair.

What has been done on this list below? What is left to do?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have you read this?

Exposure 101

You have not begun to kill the affair without a proper exposure (which I know you have not done if you have not exposed to OWH).

Do you not find it a little ODD that the OW and your husband are NOT concerned about this in the slightest as evidenced by their continued affair?

The truth is this is a LIE concocted to scare you into keeping their secret. It is a TRICK.

The only "abusive" people in this scenario is your husband and his skank.

The OW's husband is their victim and has every right to know what these infidels are doing to him behind his back.

Exactly.

Why?

You should have open access to any and all accounts. This is true even if there was no A involved, the only reason for spouses to have 'privacy' is if they have things to hide.

1) Expose his A wide and far. Read the exposure thread and come here with questions on how and why to do this, if you have any. DO NOT discuss exposure with your H or tell him you are going to do this, it will give him a chance to talk you out of it and/or spin the story to people before you are able to disclose the truth.

FYI Failure to expose properly is one of the greatest factors that I see on these boards for an A continuing. Everyone wants to think that after DDay the spouse will have some kind of wake up call and end all contact for good. But once the dust settles, the addiction of the A will come calling, and you will be facing more DDays.

2) Since your H has agreed to end the A, he must send a No Contact Letter and there is a template on here for what that would look like. He can write it, you can read and mail it. I know he has already talked to her on the phone, with you present. But obviously that is irrelevant since he continues to work with her and you know there has been contact (text) since. You can assume there has been MORE contact at work.

3) Give you WH 30 days to leave his job. That does not mean 30 days to think on it! It means to put his 30 day resignation in TODAY and be gone in 30 days. If he does not leave that job, the A will never end and your marriage will never recover. If he does not leave in 30 days expose also to his workplace, and go into Plan B.

4) You WH must agree to a recovery program. There is a very narrow path to recovering from an A, most marriages do not follow this path and NEVER recover. If you want to be the exception to this, you will want to follow Dr Harley's program. If you do, your marriage cannot only recover, but be better than it has ever been. It is a win/win for both you and your WH.

Just want to emphasize what unwritten said. If he does not agree to put in his resignation and leave within 30 days, then you should not delay the workplace exposure. The grace period is only given to a WS who is quitting the job, ending his affair and working on the marriage.