Yes each state has different laws but you can change the locks with the agreement of your landlord in any state. Tell the landlord that your husband has left you. Even easier if you own the house. Once WH's stuff is out of there, he is no longer legally a resident. It does not matter whether he is on the title/lease. You will have evidence of a lease elsewhere. Essential that you not also be on this new lease.

If he shows up, do not open the door. If he starts to yell/bang on the door/get angry, call the police immediately. In other words, if he does anything other than quietly leave right away, you call them.

Have a copy of your lease and a recent utility bill handy. Very important that everything is in your sole name. This is what they use to determine who has the right to live there. The police will tell him to go to the court, they will not let him in.

Attorney needs to give advice on the laws of the state. Husband probably has legal right to come and go, even with a lease (which probably has his name on it too). Changing locks is a joke. He can get a locksmith and say he lost his key. That's why many wives in the position are the ones who leave. I don't think you can throw someone's stuff out and then claim they no longer live there. Be careful you don't do something to get yourself in trouble.

It sounds like she can do what she wants as it is her house. Granted she should check with attorney to verify, but.....

My friend's WH came in and took many items while she was out at work - TV, furniture etc. Her atty said: Why didn't you change the locks?

When I was in Plan B, I went ahead and changed the locks. As far as I knew I had every right to do so. I have never heard of a BS getting into "trouble" for doing this.

I guess the WS could call police or go to court to pursue the matter but then again all the information about your fear with his anger, weapons and his having moved out voluntarily to pursue an affair would also be able to be aired out.

This is a little bit alarming, roses. Has he ever been violent with you? It sure sounds like it. Have you considered pursuing an PO?

12 BlueRoses, it is not illegal in any state in this union to change your locks. Change your locks and then FORCE him to get a court order to get in. Force him to go to the trouble of getting a court order and he can explain to the judge WHY you want him out. It is doubtful your H wants all his bad behavior recorded in a court of law.

Take your locks off and take them down to Home Depot to get rekeyed.

Checked with lawyer friend I worked with, I have full rights to change locks as my name on deed from when I bought Section 8.

They are changed

He is coming to get his stuff, hving rented a PO Box apparently and gotten his own checking. Says he will voluntarily pay alimony (this is via the intermediary who I chose whois coming with to ensure no problems while he gets items before dark) I was told he wants to reconcile but that im supposedly acting childish though he admits not vengeful either. 4 more people on FB contacted me who I disclosed to who know him and all are supportive of the marriage and 3 are happiky married couples one is a single male. All agree I am in the right but are willing to reach out and be positive towards him ending this and working to save marriage and support my decision as logical which is a huge relief

church says they will bring groceries but were not there yet, I barely eat anyway.

Gotta go, have to handle my daughters college financials and help soothe her, this was traumatic to us both as she was the one who initialky discovered it all

Ps I said NO to the lease in my name or any ongoing comingling of finance issues. I replied to the intermediary we can discuss finances, counseling etc as stated in letter and when he ends things and agrees to my boundaries. He is seeking a 6 month lease which sadly is the divorce waiting period but well see what happens in the coming weeks and months. I sldo told the intermediary this was good because now he is finalky getting his own checking acct, credit and responsibility as well as freedom that he so badly wanted. Time will tell if missing a still loving wife and great home will be worth the changes he will have to make to reconcile (I have some too, but per plan I will not discuss until A over and itemx agrred to)

She should have fun with all the crapstorm hes going to be blowing up on her Twitter and by cell phone after today. Shes welcome to it, I need a break from the negativity before things degenerate worse and I already feel a little lighter.

he was apparently playing Xbox thinking I was kidding or delaying yet again. This was new for me Ill admit but maybe now he'll start to at least respect me and one day, love me again.

He said nothings sexier than confidence in a woman. Well call me X-rated...

You listed a number of other health problems, but this one really caught my eye. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. Dr. Harley recommends Plan B precisely because autoimmune disorders will result if you continue to live under the stress of an active affair. You are especially susceptible because of your lupus. You need to get into a dark Plan B right away.

Why did his first marriage(or the relationship with his baby mama) end?

Yes, it has flared and with a vengeance. This was more than any other reason why I had to Plan B before I was financially or emotionally there and without enough Plan A time I fear to make many deposits in the Love Bank. the withdrawls on his end were too fast with texting her in front of me for me to handle it and my body rebeled overriding my head's decision to get more info, more time and more money together before forcing a decision on his part.

The pain today & tonight is still very strong and I've thrown up twice, but its a different pain. Ache from a void and an emptiness in the house and my heart in the place of the stabbing and twisting knife I was feeling having a 3rd party in my presence like it or not (Listen to "Stranger in My House" by Ronnie Milsap for how I feel...)

I guess it's a better pain but only time will tell. the knife had to come out for the wound to start to heal I suppose.

Well, a lot of thoughts right now. I just returned from a church social that a sister (I am LDS) took me to and my bishop and his wife were also there. I had actually prayed for a hot meal I didn't have to cook and some company when literally 5 minutes later my phone rang and the bishops wife said "we're coming by to pick you up for dinner and there's an a-capella Christian group performing as entertainment, see you in 10 minutes".

I was reluctant but since I prayed it, and God answered, I figured I'd better go! :P

I am so glad I did. It was very uplifting and I realized music is a good way to work through my feelings right now.

May I say I had an epiphany about this whole thing today? I am typing in my office where a beautiful photo of a 10 year younger hubby and I smiling (he hasn't done that in easily 2 years), sits and I look at that as my goal. Part of me wants to take it down but it makes me think good thoughts towards him and I need to let go of my disappointment and think of Old Hubby as still out there somewhere sending it back silently since I am not in contact.

BUT I realized, the WS isn't the only one with the addiction. *I* am addicted too.

I'm addicted to him, despite his bad behaviors. Despite the disrespect and the constant fights and the times i know he has been a poor influence in my life, struggling with his own demons and refusing the help of others. I'm not sinless, I have contributed to a ton of Love Busters and I wish I'd had more Plan A time. He DID tell me in his final text that he still loves me and is worried about me. I didn't answer and I am leaving it there as a high note but also recognizing it is not agreement with what has to happen to reunite.

That will no doubt take time and I'll either be a better person for this, who he respects and admires, who he wants to be a better husband for and with OR it will free me from someone who doesn't really love me for someone who will, who will share a vision for a better life, esp spiritually (not necc same faith, I'm finding values more important than religion).

but no, I found myself craving to talk to him, to share the photos from tonights singers, to say things. It's hard going in to Christmas with this before hand. One one front, I'm glad I'm not doing a dog-and-pony show that everythings OK. On the other, I fear I will hate the holidays knowing he may be happier without me and calling OW to celebrate. I don't know but I'd rather not. If I wanted to know, I wouldn't have asked him to leave. I know what the answer WOULD have been, more of the same, had I not taken this step.

So I'm the addict too. I need to break myself of unhealthy attachment. I realized tonight I've surpressed so much of who I am to fit him, fearing judgment about my faith. Maybe he feels the same way, though I have a hard time understanding Odinism and how it leads to a better character (someone help me out who knows a good Heathen??) So I know it will be hard for him too. But I have to quit the opium and get "clean" and figure out who I am though for a few minutes tonight, I'd almost undo it all just to watch the back of his head send a text because he would turn to me and squeeze my knee or rub my head or say I love you while doing it. I'm so confused. But I know I have to break my addiction and become who God wants me to be. If he's meant to be part of that, this will work. And if not (I don't want to think it even), well God never takes away something without giving you something better back Iv'e found.

Just my two and a half pence tonight. Thanks for the support.

BrainHurts,

his first marraige he was married when his 20yr old GF got pregnant and she was 5 mos along (Catholic) and her father demanded he marry her. he never uses condoms and she skipped the pill. both are dumb@sses. the marriage lasted less than 2 years, he divorced as soon as he was discharged from the Army. She allegedly slept with the next guy she married while still married to my hubby and he allegedly threatened her and got verbally abusive.

I suspect parts of both are true on each persons side really.

Its been nearly a year. Its taken that long for me to read this without triggering badly.

for anyone who is interested my husband and I are in reconciliation.

I stayed dark for about a week before he broke down, accepted my terms and ended the relationship. I made one mistake I will always regret -I did not get to hear him end it on the phone. He refused and said it was a 2 min call when it was 56 min on the work ohone bill. I found out about a month later. He even tried to sleep with me when I asked him to call her in front of me but even with the chance of sex wouldnt put her on speaker at the time. I AM forever grateful I turned him down and stuck to my self respect.

Things took about 2 more weeks to truly end. She kept texting and tweeting anf he had sent a letter to her right before D Day which was no longer true by the time she read it, causing a lot of discontent. I later learned I intercepted the relationship just 3 days before she was to fly to meet him on a layover and make it a PA. Hence his irrational level of anger. He wanted to see what "she really looked like"" I guess as another part of the pick me dance. Somewhat luckily for me she wasnt playing and told him to shove off when i let him go. Told him it was all a game and game over. Called him out publically on Twitter and public disrespect is the one thing a biker dude cant abide so it turned ugly as hell between them. She then sensed he wasnt going to chase her like other guys always did and sent a pic to him on the work phone basicalky begging him back which i intercepted while he was in the shower, as he had finalky agreed to 100% transparency

i told her as if i was him, that it was over and I love my wife and goodbye. I then showed him the exchange and we blocked her numbers on all phones. Though he fought me for several months about being a "warden" he soon agreed to delete Twitter and Snapchatand I have access to his email and Facebook anytime i need. We had a few fights until in April the unthinkable happened....he lost his job over some of this. Using company property to carry on the affair had gotten him monitored and though he had stopped 4 months prior, it was too little too late and he was fired. Part of it was he had switched to messaging ME CONSTANTLY to replace the affair partmers attention, which while helping the marriage, was the wrong thing to do to keep his job.

We are picking up the pieces financially and otherwise. I had to return to work and make about half what I did before the affair. He works two jobs and makes just over half what he did at one. He has NO time now for female attention much less sleep ina normal day . The one good thing out of this is he has finally learned humility. He treats me with respect for sticking out the worst hell imaginable. He knows this other whore would never sell her clothes or clean houses to help him keep the lights on after such a bad mistake. Im surprised really that I did and Im not sure id ever do it again. I pray my hope in my marriage is not misplaced. We both have job interviews in the works for better opportunities and he is living with the boundaries I finally set. I find more success when i am brutally honest about what i need. He finally has stopped blaming me and says he needed the affirmatiin, he knew he didnt deserve it so he wouldnt look formit from me but a new person gave him a fantasy he could block reality out with. That he was sh-t as a person and failing at a lot. So we are rebilding, still with caution on my end.

To anyone reconciling it is the hardest thing you will ever do. Im not sure its the right choice, only time will tell. I have a lot of days I wish Id left. But the old husband is starting to show up and new memories are being consciously made to override the triggers. The one thing i learned is never assume someone cant cheat on you or that they would never lie. And trust your gut, it is ALWAYS ALWAYS right. Every time.

Listen it sounds like yo must aren't following the proper procedures of recovery detailed in Surviving an Affair.
Have you read Surviving an Affair?

I have. What procedures exactly are you referring to?

Thank you for the update! I have been looking through threads for reconciliation information, as I am trying to decide to try to reconcile or just leave.

Tinkluver i encourage you to start your own thread so you can receive help and support

First, your husband should have no social media (Facebook) at all.
Secondly, Dr Harley never recommends a phone call between the wayward husband and his lover. He recommends a No Contact letter as explained in the book.
These are two observations I've made which indicate there may be a lot more points of recovery you arent following.

You say he works a lot. Are you spending 20 hours of time together weekly on dates?