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He has the chance to reconcile every day if he will simply pull his head out of his * and do it. You don't need to offer him a chance to reconcile - he can do that any time he wants.
In the meantime, continued contact with him is going to hurt like being dipped in acid, which is why you need to get into a Plan B as soon as possible.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You don't need to offer him a chance to reconcile - he can do that any time he wants.
. Yup he doesn't need a letter to know that. He doesn't need to find himself or whatever garbage excuse he will spout to explain indecisiveness to know that. If he doesn't know for sure how to be faithful, loving and caring and promise with all his heart to do so, he is dangerous to you. It is the cheater who should be begging for another chance !
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am trying to be consistent with WH. Waywards in active affairs are like drunk people. You are only talking to the drunk in the street. You are trying to be consistent with the town drunk - and you are succeeding!!! I have never read such nonsense as your last reply. Who cares what he thinks/feels/wants? We know what he wants; his affairs on tap and you safely secure on his backup hook. He wants you to be backburner stew and right now you are the Queen of the Backburner. Ready and willing whenever he gets bored enough of ho's to torment you some with Ifs and Buts. Feel good? He has you on his spare fishing hook good and proper. He sent me a text saying that he would have "jumped at" the chance 6 months ago but has now had to make a new life without me and he's done that now. Translation: Here, little fishy, fishy!! Here is some bait to tempt you to your doom. Wriggle harder! Swim faster! I've ordered whore-burger takeout but I fish for you as a back-up plan. If I can bothered I might devour you, your hopes and dreams, whole. Otherwise I will toss you back repeatedly with bleeding lips from each contact with me, ad infinitum. I predict he will refuse since we have been separated for 2 yrs. He is a wayward. He does not refuse recovery - you do! If he complies with recovery conditions - and is wholeheartedly remorseful - you will accept contact with him, if he does not, you refuse to ever speak with him again. It is not a matter of the cheaters acceptance/refusal. Not if you are the one taking control. If I go into Plan B before that happens, he will rightly accuse me of raising his hopes falsely wont he? He is a drunk addict with no thoughts beyond 'Here fishy fishy' and 'Here little whore'. Therefore no one on this site cares what WH thinks, says, wants or feels. Nor should you. Please do not use the terms 'WH thinks' or 'WH wants'or WH says' again as they are totally irrelevant and deluded points to make. The other thing that makes me doubt whether there is anything left to save is that OW6 has been around for 2 yrs from my snooping, although she has been kept a secret by WH until recently. No one cares what the drunk adulterers think/will do. He has offered to meet this weekend to talk. 'Here fishy fishy' Does tgis make sense? Iknow I an being a doormat. It is a very hard habit tobreak. I have continued to do all WH 's admin etc even whikst separated in part because I fear his anger. No one cares what WH feels. WH was surprised I was expressing a wish to consider R because I had started the D process No one cares what he feels. You badly need Plan B and to withdraw from his crazy making. I think you should send him a text in the meantime asking for him to leave you alone unless he is 100pc on board with recovery and will take responsibility for healing you from his outrageous assaults on your heart. No, you will not meeting with him to talk him into it. He is either on board, hat in hand, or he is to leave you alone. Stiffen your spine and stop jumping when he tells you to. Hi Indie..... All the way to the end of this post, I would have sworn that Pepperband was back. Nice Style. LTL
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Best compliment ever 
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don't really know what to say, other than, that hurts to read. But it hurts because it is true, particularly Indiegirl's fishing metaphor.
I need to stop listening to my friends, particularly a close friend who insists on giving a positive spin to WHs behaviour such as " he needs time to think because he might feel a responsibility towards OW6, especially if she left her marriage for him".
Even I can see that that is a pile of steaming cr**
I've seen the lawyer who is not a pit bull. Seems in the UK there is no opportunity to depose the Wayward and the courts " will not revisit the history of the marriage"
Even the question about marital assets being siphoned off? Likely to not be cost effective unless there is reason to think they are very large amounts and might affect the settlement.
The legal system is not interested in supporting marriage it seems.
I've booked a locksmith to come on Monday to add deadlocks( we don't have keys, but keypads, so I will add them)
Still not heard back from my friend re being my IM, ( her H is back today from 2 weeks away so have to give her a day or so). And yes, she has balls and will be the perfect IM. She has seen through him for ŷears.
One question, why send OW6 a copy of the PBL.
Thanks for posting it Melodylane. It will need amending and I am working on it.
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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One question, why send OW6 a copy of the PBL. This is recommended in Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. It serves two purposes: First, it puts the affair partner on notice that the wayward spouse is married and their marriage partner loves them and is willing to fight for the marriage; Secondly, it clearly indicates that you will not meet any of your husband's needs and they will all need to be met by the affair partner.
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Thank you Jedi_knight.
And thank you BrainHurts for the link.
I understand that I am a consummate Plan Cer.
No more.
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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Thank you Jedi_knight.
And thank you BrainHurts for the link.
I understand that I am a consummate Plan Cer.
No more.
Deluded We all want to help you learn MB and sometimes it takes a bit to educate ourselves. We know how painful Plan C is and that's why we are trying to get you into a real Plan B.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BrainHurts-thank you.
One thing that is worrying me -part of me does not want to reconcile and wonders why I am putting myself through all this. NC with WH is peaceful(when I am not hearing him mentioned or seeing evidence of his A).
So on the one hand I am indeed feeling pain every time I have contact with him but on the other I am wanting to protect myself.
I should have gone straight into a Plan B 2years ago.
Is it normal to feel like this? Uncertain about whether the marriage is salvageable? Uncertain if I want WH back because from where I stand, R now looks like such a steep mountain to climb and it's been years of unhappiness and misery.
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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BrainHurts-thank you.
One thing that is worrying me -part of me does not want to reconcile and wonders why I am putting myself through all this. NC with WH is peaceful(when I am not hearing him mentioned or seeing evidence of his A).
So on the one hand I am indeed feeling pain every time I have contact with him but on the other I am wanting to protect myself.
I should have gone straight into a Plan B 2years ago.
Is it normal to feel like this? Uncertain about whether the marriage is salvageable? Uncertain if I want WH back because from where I stand, R now looks like such a steep mountain to climb and it's been years of unhappiness and misery.
Deluded Very normal, especially when there are breaks in your Plan B (anytime you hear something about WH from anyone). Have you told everyone who tells you anything about WH to stop? Tell them "please don't tell me anything about WH because it is too painful for me". Once you stop hearing things you will continue to heal and get stronger. It will take some time, but you will heal, my friend. Think of it like you're a castle and the moats around the castle are too protect you from enemies getting in. The darker you are in Plan B, the stronger your moats are. Does this make sense? Are you doing any self-care for yourself? Yoga, the gym, pedicure or manicure, a good bath or book, or lunch with good friends?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Here's a show about Plan B. Please tell me if it helps. Radio Clip on Plan B Segment #2 Segment #3
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Posts: 218
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Brainhurts : thank you, I have listened and it does help a lot.
Jedi_Knight: if I copy the OW in on the PBL won't she rub her hands with glee because I say I am bowing out? Although I imagine it may come as a shock to her to know that he has spent time with me, also that he is a player rather than just " my wife changed and I did something I shouldn't " which seems to be his standard explanation as to why we are separated ( if he has to give any)
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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Jedi_Knight: if I copy the OW in on the PBL won't she rub her hands with glee because I say I am bowing out? Although I imagine it may come as a shock to her to know that he has spent time with me, also that he is a player rather than just " my wife changed and I did something I shouldn't " which seems to be his standard explanation as to why we are separated ( if he has to give any)
Deluded In his book Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley advises the betrayed spouse to send a copy of the Plan B letter to the affair partner. I don't know what the OW in your case may do.
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Brainhurts : thank you, I have listened and it does help a lot.
Jedi_Knight: if I copy the OW in on the PBL won't she rub her hands with glee because I say I am bowing out? Although I imagine it may come as a shock to her to know that he has spent time with me, also that he is a player rather than just " my wife changed and I did something I shouldn't " which seems to be his standard explanation as to why we are separated ( if he has to give any)
Deluded It's a surprising manoeuvre, which comes across as incredibly confident and dignified. Don't treat the OW like a normal person. Adulterers are twitchy criminals who need their victims meek and struggling in order to be reassured they are getting away with it. She's actually far more interested in you than with him. If you were to send the letter but continue fighting for him it would have little effect. If you say 'try and fail' before disappearing this will scare the batcrap out of her. She knows, better than you do, their relationship needs you the victim, to be attacked daily in order to survive. If you want to scare someone state what you are going to do without any attempt to argue with them. Calmness is frightening.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks Jedi_Knight and Indiegirl
I met with WH yesterday, we went for a long walk and had a pub lunch together with our dog.
I had a little voice in the back of my head saying "swim, fishy, fishy". Part of me was able to stand back and clinically analyse what he was saying-classic fishing eg he doesn't love OW6 but she thinks it's serious. Mostly it was about him, with an occasional foray into talking about my behaviour in the context of how he felt and why it led to an A.
Lots of lying but I know to expect that now.
I feel both churned up inside-can see how I have appeared both weak and chasing him-but I also feel more peaceful, feel I have more clarity now, and am ready to dive into a dark Plan B.
I will send the letters (including to OW6) this week.
I know that WH is a player, but I will have faith in MB principles that it is possible to build a strong sustaining marriage -if both parties want to.
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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I need advice, and have a practical question-how to get the PBL to OW6?
If I post it to her, or deliver it myself(when she is out at work, obviously) then it becomes immediately obvious that I know her address.
Yesterday I let slip that I knew OW6 had been at WH's when I dropped the second letter in, because I had seen her car.
He has texted me to say:
"Thank you. I have a lot to think about. BTW how did you get OW6"s car registration plate?"
So, how do I answer-I don't want to be accused of being a stalker because I'm not. I could say I was bluffing and just guessed that she would be there as he had a day off work. I could just say that had seen her in the village , or I could say I found it through snooping(the truth-she has marked her street on her FB page and it took about 5 mins to search on properties sold in the last 12 months in that street. It turns out OW6 uses her house number as part of her user name on snapchat and instagram. So it didn't take me long to put 2 and 2 together, drive by, clock the car reg and then look out for it in the village.
But I'd rather they think I employed a PI.
I am worried OW6 will decide that I have been stalking her and call the police to scare me off.
Advice please!
Deluded
Me,BS 50
WH 52
3 girls 15, 20,21
married 22 yrs
D day OW1 5/19/02, 31/10/02,
then D day again OW2 23/3/12.
And discovered multiple sexts/emails with OW 3, 4,5 on 26/3/12
Separated Aug 2012 but WH very much in our lives.
WH now parading OW6 as his GF
When you are going through hell...keep going. Winston Churchill
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I would not respond and that's the end of that. If you are going in Plan B you won't hear this question again either. Please stop making everything a project. You don't have to respond nor owe him an answer.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I need advice, and have a practical question-how to get the PBL to OW6? Send it in the mail. Seriously, who CARES what they think?? If you are in Plan B, you won't know what they think anyway because he can't contact you!! NO ONE CARES!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am worried OW6 will decide that I have been stalking her and call the police to scare me off.
Advice please!
Deluded The OW would need to file a petition in court for a restraining order. She would need to provide evidence that she is in danger from you. Have you threatened to break her kneecaps? Did you threaten to cut her into little pieces and feed her to pet piranha's? Did you call her and tell her that you are going to the hardware store to buy a shovel and bury her with it? (If you did don't do it in the pet cemetary because she might come back).. Seriously, if you did any of the above then the judge would tell you to stay away from her. But if you drove by her house to see if your husband is screwing her: that is not considered stalking or placing her in danger!
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