I met a man who actually looked at me in the eyes when I was talking to him. He presented a calm, zen-like demeanor and I actually felt comfortable in his presence. I was stunned as I had just gone through 8 years of the most unbelievable abuse and humiliation. I suffer from PTSD (really....severely) and NEVER feel ok with a man so I was delighted. You can imagine my astonishment when on our 4th date he completely lost his temper and called me a b--ch. I was stunned as this was completely out of the blue and such a contradiction of the person he presented himself to be. But.....of course I ignored the giant red flags displayed before me (there were several gazillion of them) and entered into marriage with him at his insistence that things would get better if I would just marry him. Like an idiot I did. I was in love with the John that I met, not this vile, cruel, mean-spirited person that be became with increasing regularity. Then he would switch back to this loving, adoring attentive person that I loved. It makes it so much more painful because he would rope me back in with the loving john and when I trust him again he will turn into this monster. He is physically and verbally abusive. Then he blames it on me. He says i shame him when i try to convey that this is not acceptable. I have never been unfaithful but he calls me a whore. I absolutely try to be a good wife to him but I get more and more leary and angry with each new incident. He says i am holding a resentment and need to " just get over it) and I can do thst but if it happens every other day it is very painful. AND about 30 minutes after his tirades he shoves his hand between my legs and expects me to be turned on by this and have sex with him. ....he calls me a worthless c__t and many other things that are too vile to even repeat. He mocks me and when I start to cry he laughs at me. Then when he has completely destroyed me and im in the fetal position on the floor sobbing he says sorry!!???!!# there is so much more. He has isolated me from my friends and I have nowhere to turn. I am so confused. Does he love me like he says. Is he going to change?? Am I in love with an illusion he creates just to humiliate me after I trust him and he does this again. I know its not me because he has a history of this with previous wives and his daughter. I am so much I pain I literally cannot funcion. I am incapacitated by ny sorrow and confusion and I need help.....

Runnnnnnn as fast as you can and don't look back.
Go to a women's shelter. They can help you get your
life back on track.

Hi, Sevyn. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

How long have you been married?
Do you have children?

Your husband is extremely abusive, and you need to take steps to separate from him until and IF he takes steps to stop his abuse. You will need to be separated for at least a year, and you will need to ONLY take him back IF he has proven that he has changed.

And he may not change. Either way, you are better off. Either he will take the opportunity to change and win you back, or he won't and you will never see him again. Either way, you will never be abused again.

Can you get to a friend's house? A women's shelter?

You deserve to be treated better than this. Read this thread:

What to do with an Angry Husband

No and no

Leave this pathetic excuse of a man ASAP. Go to a friends or a shelter but get out of there TOMORROW. There is nothing good to save here...from what you wrote you know that too. File for divorce and a protective order.

'Does he love me like he says?' Whether he loves you like he says or not is irrelevant. He is not behaving in a loving way, and he is not providing you with the extraordinary care that a marriage should. Quite to the contrary, he is very abusive.

'Is he going to change?' This is also irrelevant. Maybe he will someday change, and maybe he won't. You cannot control this outcome one way or another. What you can control is YOUR outcome.

Yes you are in love with an illusion that he has created. The charming to dangerous jeckyl and hyde persona, the combination of physical and mental abuse, the isolating you from your friends and family....textbook abusive behavior. I have worked with domestic violence victims many times, and this is the kind of story that sends chills down my spine, because it is so calculated. The ending to this story is almost always tragic, unless you make a choice NOW to remove yourself from the situation.

Please please please get away from this man. Are there domestic abuse resources in your area that you can reach out to? If not, do you have a friend who can help you? I would also recommend obtaining a restraining order or order for protection, because abuse generally escalates when the victim is attempting to leave.

^^^^^

When can you leave?

Sorry about the delay. I have only been married a year and there are no children thank the lord. I have managed to leave but he is taking away my car and phone so I have no way to get a job. I am very afraid. He says he will go to this group for abusers but he has done that before and quits half way through. I love him and I keep holding on to the fantasy that he will change. He is 58 so I dont think he will. He has been doing this a long time. He tries to buy me stuff so I will forgive him. He has me isolated and totally dependant on him. He is tak8ng my car and phone away so I cant get a job. He took the credit cards and totally cut me off financially. I am almost incapacitated w fear for the future. Its nice to know that someone cares. Thank you

I'm so relieved you got away. Do you have family you can stay with until you can get on your feet financially?

Thank you. These are the logical things I need to hear. And it is so wonderful to hear that you also are astounded by the cruelty of this cold calculated viciousness. It is so incomprehensible to me that I dont actually BELIEVE that it is exactly that---this man wants to torment and destroy me slowly for his entertainment. It actually brings him joy to humiliate me. And im letting him because of some deep unconscious need that he must fulfill .0005% of the time. Apoarently this need is so strong that I endure the abuse. I wish to God that I UNDERSTOOD why. But as you say "why" is irrelevant because he is going to kill me while I am attempting to understand the unexplainable. I am currently staying with a friend and he is currently cutting off financial needs. Taking car away and turning off phone. Im so bloody scared for my future. And exhausted from being in survival mode for so long I dont know if I have the strenghth to do what is necessary to survive. Im glad you care. It is very healing to know that domeone cares. I have noone anymore and I feel excruciating lonelinesd

Sevyn,

You need to have no contact with your husband for the near future.
This will help you get out on your own and be successful as an independent woman.
Can you end contact with him?

No. No family and he has isolated me from anyone. He moved me ti the country where there is no support and I am so lonely it is actually physically painful. I have no more strength and I must rely on GOD to give me the strength I need to rebuild. I am very afraid and I am slowly being replenished by the kindness of people like you. Thanks for caring. You probably will never know how much it means to me. I wish I had the right words

Yes. It is extremely difficult for me to let go of the illusion that he lives me and will change. I am not a stupid person so this delusion that persists in my psyche is truly astonishing to me. I need the force to be with me. I have no more energy to do what is necessary. I am weak.

Sevyn,

You need to end all direct contact with him.
Are you in Texas?
If so, go to a Woman's Shelter and they can help you.

Thank you for caring. Im just incapacitated by loneliness and fear of not being able to make it

You must force your body and mind to contact a Woman's Shelter and ask for help

You are in a bad situation but in the USA there is opportunity to rise above your circumstances.
As I type this, women and children are being killed in Iraq, teenage girls are kidnapped and sold to men in Nigeria and a third of Ukraine has been bombed to the stone age.

You have much better opportunity than all of these people because you are in the USA but you need to act and call the Woman's Shelter and end contact with your husband

Did you say you have left him? So where are you living now? Are you still in the country, and if so can you move into town? There you could possibly get a job within walking distance, and without a phone for the time being.

Wow. Yes Eleanor!! And as Teddy said speak softly but .......

Thanks for that. You people on this site are bloody marvelous!! That is JUST what I needed to hear!!

Yes ive gone to Austin which is about an hour away by car. A very caring friend is letting me have the guest bedroom. Im very grateful and am finally realizing how bad it really was. I suppose I was in permament shock and adrenaline was constantly flowing which did nothing for rational thought and action. I am decompressing and im scared but optimistic. It gets better daily. At first I was incapacitated beaten down and frightened. Like a deer in the headlights. But thanks to you all on this site I am becoming more able to cope. Thank you