Three years ago I posted in this forum to try and save my marriage and my heart, but here I am again. Here is my situation. I am ready to move on into Plan B and quite honestly never come back from it. I shouldn't use the word never but that is where I am at. This week-end my husband and I had a large heart to heart and I was brutally honest with him. I say that because I told him I was done and envisioned a life with out him and one day moving on to a new relationship.
I tried to get him to do counseling. I tried to get him to do this program and he wouldn't budge. Now, that I told him what I did he broke down saying "he couldn't imagine life without me" and that it physically made him feel sick to think about it. I explained that we have been here too many times to count and it was exhausting.Frankly, my heart has just been broken so many times, that I literally have no fight left in me. He felt the same way. I guess you could say that this is where his need to fight kicked in because he wants to do whatever it takes, even give up his video games if he has to. He agreed to counseling if that is what it takes. I mentioned this program three times over the week-end and that I want a set plan, a time-line if you will. He said no to that saying,"if this doesn't work we will find something else, even if it takes twenty years." Divorce is not an option for him. I told him to read up on this website and see if this program is something he will want to do. He hasn't, but did get on his gaming strategy website.
I should say that he tried all week-end. He helped with dinner, the kids, stayed off the game, and spent time with me. It was recreational more than anything else. He didn't talk about our marriage, which is what was on my mind the whole week-end. As we discussed, I wanted options. Not just sweeping it all under the rug the minute he feels everything is right with the world once again. I guess what I am trying to ask is do I wait for him to take initiative and actually try. Do I gently nudge some more? Because at this point I just want to go. I do love him. We are not arguing or at each others throats. I just feel that I am over it and ready to move on. I just feel guilty because he was trying but it is always this way. He does it for a week or two and then we are back to normal. I can't do it anymore. So here I am feeling guilty and resentful and not sure if I should take him at his word to do this (this is the first time I ever got him to say he would do counseling, it was always no)or should I just continue on with my plan.

Welcome back to MB.

Would you be prepared to try again if he would commit to doing the MB online programme? In that, he will have a coach who encourages him to do the lessons, so that you can stop cajoling and nagging.

I'm not guaranteeing that this will work and that he will stick with the programme, and if he gives it up or never really gets into it you will be back in the position sooner or later where you have to consider leaving all over again. However, it is goal-directed, where counselling usually is not, and it is designed to appeal to men without getting emotional about "feelings" and stuff that some men don't like. You don't sit in a counsellor's office getting upset with each other and rehashing past hurts in front of each other; instead you work, week by week, on love busters, eliminating them systematically, and on meeting emotional needs, monitoring with each other how well you are doing that.

Would you consider signing yourselves up to that?

I see that you have talked to him about this programme, but I'm not clear whether he has refused or agreed to do it.

Has he refused?

Has he agreed to look at it, but hasn't got around to looking?

Has he agreed to traditional counselling?

Hi tearyeyed, I would not wait for him to take the initiative because he has no idea how to save a marriage. He has caused the problem so it is doubtful he can fix it on his own.

I would write him a "Plan A" letter telling what you need and what it will take to keep you in this marriage. Give him a couple of weeks to get on board and if he won't, then plan to separate from him. I would follow the plan in this article: When to Call It Quits - Part 1 but start it off with a letter outlining the changes you need to see.

Here are some template letters to give you an idea of what to say. It sounds like some of the conditions you would need would be a) giving up his video games for life, b) honesty about the past and anything else you need be happy with him.

Give him 2-3 weeks to completely get on board and if he won't, then separate from him. You might want to ask him to move out.

I went back and see that I gave you this exact same advice in 2011.

I want to say yes. I am just afraid to set myself up again. I have detached emotionally to prepare for a different life. We have seven children together and 18 years invested. At the same time, I just don't know if I want to prolong the inevitable. I know I am not making sense. I have no idea what I want and I feel like he always throws these curve balls and starts trying when I give up.

I should have been clearer with my post. It is difficult to stay focused with a two year old on your lap. He has agreed to do some kind of counseling. He told me to do some research and he would take a look at it. I bought the books three years ago for this program and we talked about love busters and meeting each others needs. He did not follow through and would not let me sign him up for the program. I thought it would be better to have someone to talk to as we went through the program. To answer your question he wanted the information for this website to look it over. He did not get around to it this week-end. I believe in this program and that it doesn't focus on the past as much as what you can start doing today.This has been the first time he has been open to some help.

It its in the best interest of your children if your marriage recovers. So, if I were you, I would do what Sugercane and Melody have already suggested.

We didn't get anywhere when we tried Marriage Builders on our own. The accountability program is really great. If he will do it with you, go for it!

You are absolutely right. I never went back to read my original posts,lol. I am going to get off and write my letter. I am prepared for plan B so I guess I can give it another shot. I have no idea where I put the books but I printed a bunch of material and plan to hand that to him as well. I will let everyone know how it goes. I am determined one way or another.

If all the truth about the past is known, this would be correct. But if he has not been truthful, he would have to tell you the entire truth about his past. And perhaps even pass a polygraph test.

But I would write him that letter telling what you need and see if he gets on board. If he won't, then you should separate from him. I would request that he give up video games for life.

This is my first draft letter to my hubby. Just looking for some feedback before I give it to him tonight. Thanks
Dear Love of My Life,
First, I want to say that I love you. I always have and always will. That does not change the fact that our marriage is in trouble. We have had the same conversation numerous times and always seem to end up back in this place. I want the vicious cycle to end. It is time that we make a plan and stick with it. It is not my intention to break up our family and preserving our marriage has always been my top priority. I just cannot do it alone anymore.
As per our discussion over the week-end you agreed to do whatever it takes, even if that meant counseling or giving up your games. I am willing to put in the effort if you are. I feel that it is extremely important to be upfront and honest with each other about the things that are hindering our relationship. I want you to be a part of this family as I have felt that I have been running it alone. I want us both to work on it at the same time. You said yourself that we both stopped making an effort and we both agreed it was because neither of us was putting in the effort to meet the others needs. This has caused us to primarily live separate lives. I want you to be my partner in this marriage. I want you to be comfortable with telling me what your needs are and how I can address them. I know that I have made many mistakes as well and have not always put you first. I can own up to them. I am at a place where I am willing to hear them and focus on making you feel like my top priority.
I have gotten the necessary paperwork together to start the marriage builders program and I would like us to begin immediately. This is what it is going to take for us to save our marriage. I want an honest effort in changing things for the long haul. I am just as tired as you are of the vicious cycle. Let's not end up back here again and finally move forward. Please take all that I have said into deep consideration and do this program with me. Doing nothing is not an option. I do realize that you have been trying the last few days but what I am looking for is lifelong change and commitment to each other.
Love you, Your wife.

te, I am not clear on what he needs to do. Where do you list that? Where do you say he has to stop his video games and come clean about his past? What about affair proofing your marriage? Hasn't he had several affairs? What will be done to ensure that never happens again?

My point is you need to be CLEAR and CONCISE about what conditions you need him to meet to make you happy.