Instead of only noticing and responding to one posters initial comment about the age difference, why don't you instead let everyone know if you continuously read through other peoples threads to look for similarities and the advice that was given and followed or ignored and the fallout consequences of either choice, plus if you or how often you listen to the daily MB Radio segment that runs continuously for the following 24 hours and also if you have written an e-mail back to Dr. Harley for updated advice from a very experienced marital and infidelity counselor?

You must know, even if you only listened sporadically, that Dr. Harley and his Wife Joyxe never seem to be overreactive or judgmental to any caller.

That's about as unbiased as you can get, because I feel you've distanced and dismissed quite a few very relevant suggestions from posters who have attempted to help you through this entire ordeal.

From so many comments you have made about your Wife, especially from the pre-affair days, I think many followers are puzzled why you desire to reconcile, with the notable exception of your child you had together.

You really don't like this woman that much and maybe never did, or so it seems from your current state of mind.

I hope you reply to the helpfjl c opp mments and honestly answer questions that would provide a better perspective.

If you don't take the time and effort to be forthcoming and open, nor take the time to read other threads and listen to the radio program, why should all of these other posters want to invest their time to help you, while you are alienating them for having any desire to reach out to you when you don't respond to them.

LTL

I have read through a few threads, and have resumed listening to the show at work, even though it's start/stop/start/stop. I interact with a lot of people and get up from my desk quite a bit.

It is not that I have been dismissive, but some suggestions I simply cannot do. I can't do a Plan B. I have very little free time. VERY little. Dirty dishes will literally sit in my kitchen sink for 3 or 4 days sometimes because I have more urgent things to do. I am chronically tired from Crohn's disease and lack of sleep. The project I am working on - can only see my engineer once every two weeks around my schedule with my kids. These are not "excuses", they are my reality at the moment.

I do not dislike my ex wife. I dislike what she has done and the way she has treated me. Having much of the knowledge that you all have, that I did not have before all this happened, I am hopeful that we could have a good relationship if we both agreed to follow Dr. Harley's protocol. I may be making disrespectful judgments on here, but I have not made any to HER for quite a long time. I have noticed her behavior toward me change as a result. Things are not stagnant with me, despite what some people here would like to believe.

Miller time. Have to catch my train.

You have every right to dislike what she has done.
Waywards are extremely selfish in behavior and willing to destroy so many lives just to fuel their affair.

Selective hearing seems to be going on.

One of the things Dr. Harley also talks about is men who marry younger women tend to live longer. Instead of that being mentioned, I see the age difference being used here as a blank check to condemn people and their choices. I find it very offensive.

If someone wants to cite facts, as a poster did above about the husband needing to be a problem solver, that is one thing, trying to shame someone by saying "you are old enough to be her Dad", is completely another.

Anybody can do a Plan B.

Luna, this is a distraction from Blindsided's need to go to Plan B. He needs help learning to let go so that he can heal - not defense of any remaining reasons to stay attached.

I think it's best if you keep your personal biases off of this thread. We know you're not objective on this subject, because you won't disclose your own personal circumstances when asked about it. It's fine to have your own opinion, but none of this is helpful for what Blindsided needs in order to heal.

I am glad things are not stagnant with you. I am glad that they are moving forward.

The one thing about being disrespectful/angry and constantly expressing it (even if it is not to the spouse) is that it is pervasive and your spouse will be able to sense it, even if you are not showing it. I know for myself there is a difference between "I am upset about this behavior" and "I HATE HIM RIGHT NOW!" Even if I am trying to hide it, he knows that its there and he knows when I am disrespecting him. Now that I am out of my own fog in Plan B, I can really see how I have disrespected him in the past and how my disrespect contributed to making him unhappy in our marriage. I still think his affair and subsequent behavior was totally abhorrent, but I get it now. I get how my behavior was not conducive to a great marriage.

I'm in Plan B now, so who knows what will happen, but I am at least glad that I figured this out because I felt so justified in hating him and punishing him for what he has done. But that's not going to make things right. If we ever reconcile, I obviously can't do that. If we never reconcile, I still don't want to be this way. I want to know how to handle my anger.

So, anyway, just think about it. Think about how saying really bad things about your Xwife, even if its just to us could invade your head and your heart and be evident to her, even if you think its not.

Piglet, I feel like I'm in a similar situation. I realized my part in her unhappiness as soon as I read all the ways people can deduct love units. I was reading along, thinking "I've done that, I've done that, and that." But I also saw a lot of things she did to cause me to pull away from her rather than get closer. Stuff that could be repaired. I also think that my INABILITY to do a Plan B properly just dragged things on for a long time. I will probably never get over this divorce, and I very highly doubt that I will ever get married to anyone else. I'd remarry my xW but only if she agreed to the MB program and things went well.

It's so easy for you all to do a plan B when you have family and friends willing to help. I have no one. No church that will help, nobody. I have to talk to her and there is no way around it.

Blindside,

You've waited 2 years to follow up with Dr. Harley on your case.
Will you have time to email him this weekend and share his reply here?

I would like to help encourage you but it's difficult to do since you are apparently unable to Plan A or Plan B.
If Dr. Harley responds then we can encourage you based on his advice.

Aside from writing to Dr. Harley, the think the very best thing you can do is pray and keep right with the Lord.
A few weeks ago, your ex wife took the girls to your church. Has she returned since then?

Will Dr. Harley respond to emails without having me on his show? I don't see how I can possibly be on his show unless I take time off from work, and I really can't do that. Whenever I have even the shortest appointment, it translates to a half a day off. If you want to get technical, I Can do that, but I need to keep working and making money and not taking leave until I have a good amount saved up. They are taking 35% from my paycheck right now, and that is about to increase when I add the girls to my insurance.

Praying, check, Going to church every week, check. My buddy insists that she will come around if I trust in God. Well so far it doesn't seem like God is talking loud enough, because when I picked the girls up tonight, she handed me an intaglio that I made in high school that was hanging in our house. She loved it and insisted that we have it framed. She's been doing that for a while - putting some of my clothes in garbage bags and bringing them with the girls. She's still doing it. I'm not sure why she hasn't emptied everything of mine from the house all at once. I still have a LOT of stuff in the garage.

I also noticed a bouquet of flowers in her car tonight. I thought "oh great, POSOM is meeting THAT need also. I have no chance." Then my 5 year old told me that she made it today, to take to her workplace. Not a gift (as far as I know).

I do need some direction at this point. I can't Plan B, I am in Plan A as much as I can be, but she is still seeing that a**hole (can I say that?) and as long as the party is hoppin, I'm not invited.

I'll say it again, I think that I made a huge mistake by being very passive about her actions, thinking she'd come to her senses early on. Whoops.

Oh, and as far as I know she has not been back to church. When I saw them was the last time. The POSOM has never been to church with them, either. I don't think he goes at all.

Yes, Dr. Harley will respond to your email insofar that there is no requirement to be on his radio show.

When you write your letter include your phone number so he can call you if he has questions.
I suggest you send him a letter similar to this:

Dear Dr. Harley,

I was a caller on your Radio Show last year. My wife and I were married for 10 years and divorced in May 2013. We have two daughters ages 2 and 5. There is a significant age difference between my wife and I: I am 50, she is 31.

We divorced because she was in an ongoing affair with a man her age. He is very proud of the affair and has even personally posted on Cheaterville bragging and claiming he is a better man than I! She filed for divorce and I did not contest it. The affair is still ongoing and is now more than 2 years old.

During the marriage her main complaints were that we did not have enough sex and that I was unemployed for an extended period of time.

I am now gainfully employed and visit my daughters every other weekend. I participate in your Forum for advice and the posters have encouraged me to either Plan A or Plan B. However, I am unable to Plan B because I have nobody to act as an intermediary for child exchanges and sharing child information, etc.

I would like to win her back but the posters on the Forum feel that I do not show her enough respect.

What do you suggest I do?

Thank you.

Hey hey, easy. That sounds like something I'd write?

Kidding aside, I think I need to be more detailed than that. Her complaints came with zero communication and zero consideration for my needs, other than to demand that I **** her more, and "get a job". I should also explain why I did not contest the divorce, no? I might have if I could afford it.

Should the POSOM's pride be mentioned? He has also referred to her as "white girl" and does seem to regard her as a trophy.

I was going to say something else but I had to make dinner for the girls. I forgot..

I don't think you need to go into too much detail about why you didnt contest the divorce. That is in the past. We are dealing with the present.

You DO need to mention her main complaints from the past because those would need to be addressed.

I do feel that I need to make him aware of the reasons for the situations.

If you listen to the show you know they usually have one caller and the rest of the segments are the Harleys answering e-mails. So you don't have to be a caller.


So when will you be emailing Dr. Harley?

Sir, you do whatever you need to do but get that email sent off.
I'm the worst person alive to get relationship advice from. I'm just good at parroting Dr. Harley's methods and you need to get his advice at this point.

But never underestimate the power of God. We are speaking of the Creator of the universe and author of life. At some point, I do think it is a good thing to just give it up to the Lord and make sure that you are living by the Lord's standards.

If you haven't noticed, the listening experience has changed. It used to be that every time you listened in, you would catch the stream at whatever point it was at that moment. If somebody interrupted you, it would be an entire hour before you would get a chance to hear it again. Now, the show plays from an mp3 file rather than a stream. It starts at the beginning and let's you pause when interrupted. If you are using the app, you can go to any part of the show just by positioning the scrubber. So, even with lots of interruptions, you can still listen and catch everything in one hour.

What I meant was that I have to keep stopping and starting it because I don't sit at my desk for an hour straight. The player that pops up for me has no scrubber, just a play/pause button. Even when I close it, it resumes from the point I stopped listening. The live show doesn't work at all for me.

I have the app and would use my phone, but I get no service in my basement office.

The app caches the entire show when it first connects. So, you can use the app to start listening to the show while outside, pause playback, and then resume listening when you are in your office. As long as you don't quit the app, it will retain the cached copy and play from that. Continuous network connectivity is not required by the app.

Have you heard these?
Here are some radio clips on age differences.

Radio Clip on Age Differences
Radio Clip