So first time post and I am just reading through all of the site�s data and obviously need some help.

My wife and I are having some marriage troubles and I need some help. She doesn�t want to go to counseling, but at least part of the problem is mine. We had gone to couseling a few years ago and things got better I thought. Really we went to two meetings and some homework and I made some changes, which I though helped. She obviously does not feel that they did. She says she is not in love with me, but there is no other person on either side. She is emotionally withdrawn and says that she does not care. I know that deep down she does care and we can rebuild, but I don�t want to take the wrong steps.

Some background first. We started dating in high school and got married in college. We have been married for 17 years with 3 great children (14,12,11). We have moved several times for my job and the last two moves went badly, so we are also under a large financial burden. I work locally and usually am home most weeks. Right now we are building a plant about 3 hours away and I have been sent to start it up. I have an apartment there and travel home on the weekends. I have been doing this for about a 1.5 months. It is definitely tough, but having trouble at home makes it much tougher (but it almost doubles my pay). Probably a month ago we went out to eat and I got the cold shoulder from her. I asked her about it via text later and she said she has not been happy for a while. She said it is not me, but her. She is going through a mini life crisis as she had a business for 2 years and then closed it in march (her choice). She almost finished her degree and never did. She doesn�t want to be a soccer mom. She also has gained about 30 pounds in the last few months (which she still looks great to me). She has a lot to worry about. I just want her to be happy. She says she is not in love with me and has not lusted after me in a long time. She is a great wife and person and I will do anything to keep her. I felt that I did have some to work on, but fixing the money would be a big step. When I am poor, I seem to be the one to say no. The out of town work means that I won�t have to say no and hopefully it is not to late.

This last weekend she did say that I don�t listen well, which has been a long standing item. I have worked on it, when she talks I don�t do other things. I try to focus on her. But she did say something that I never realized. I let her remember lots of details like an administrative assistant would. She has a fabulous memory and I think that I was abusing that. I can definitely see how I was not listening, but letting her remember details. Do you have any books or advice on improving listening skills? I know this will not be a quick fix, but will take time. Since I am out of town all week, I think that I am trying to over compensate with too many text. She feels that her day is routine, but I think that it goes to since she feels that I don�t listen that she just is stopping talking. I am going to keep positive and keep talking, but trying to cut back as to not be a bother. I am a worrier and it is real hard to make myself not talk to her. I text my kids each day, but think that I will start to call them to see how they are doing. It is lonely when you are out of town all week. Any advice?

So any advice on communicating with a withdrawn spouse while apart all week?
Any advice on listening better or resources to look at?
What should I focus on to draw her back in?

Thanks so much and sorry if I rambled.

How do you know your wife is not having an affair? When a spouse says, "I'm not in love with you" and is withdrawn, those are red flags that very often point to an affair. Most people don't realize they have fallen out of love with their spouse until they have a new point of comparison. Since you are currently living out of town and your kids are school-age, she would certainly have plenty of opportunity.

Travel jobs are an invitation for an affair, since they make a secret second life so easy. You are putting money and your job before your marriage; therefore, your marriage is at great risk right now. You should move back home or move your wife to where you are as soon as possible.

Make sure when you speak with her that you are very pleasant and that you pay attention to what she says. And don't ask her if she's having an affair, because she'll lie about it.

Have you and your wife followed the POJA, only making decisions that you are BOTH enthusiastic about?

If you are interested in being married, the first step is to be with your wife every night. You have placed your job OVER your marriage and this is the result. Living apart during the week is a disaster for marriages. You can't possibly maintain the love in a marriage or even maintain a marriage this way. You can't ever become attached again if you aren't together.

Being apart temporarily is hard on GREAT marriages, it is a disaster on weak marriages. As you are finding out the hard way.

That is great you are making more money. But is it great when it comes at the expense of your marriage?

If you want to save your marriage, you need to fix the overnight problem before it is too late. You are headed to divorce right now and there will come a time when it is too late. Sorry.

Do you make an effort to do something romantic for her? It doesn't have to be expensive, but a big effort to "court" her by doing things to surprise her may help. Make a reservation to her favorite restaurant, or just learn to cook something great and make it for her. Surprise her by bringing home her favorite dessert, or just doing something which shows you are thinking of her. These are just some ideas to show her she is special. Read "his needs, her needs". It will open your eyes. It's not too late to work on the MB concepts.

That won't help him one damn bit if they don't live together. It will be just window dressing on the sinking Titanic.

Unfortunately I have no choice in being set to start up the plant. I have several peers in the same place of being forced to go. I could try to find another job, but this one pays well with great benefits. Remember one big issue is our financial burden and this is the way out of that. So I am fixing that problem, but also need to work on our relationship.

What would you do to keep it improving being remote? How to best re-enagage her?

When I go home on the weekend, I always either bring flowers or get flowers over the weekend. Any other weekend ideas?

How do military families do this when on TDY?

They get divorced. Divorce is epidemic in the military.

None at all. I won't give you the false impression that there is any hope here when you have chosen your job over your marriage.

I am so sorry.

You need to find a job that complements your marriage. Sacrificing your marriage for a job will result in divorce. You might have "fixed" your financial problems but you did so at the expense of your marriage.

I will have several breaks coming up and then will start to work 2 weeks away (with weekends home) and then 1 week home. Sounds like need to move that up if I can.

She would tell me to stay if I told her I was moving home because we need the money. It is a life is tough situation.

*IF* you decide you want to save your marriage, you need to find another job that keeps you home every night. It might be too late for your marriage, but it is worth a shot.

If I were in your shoes, I would put body and soul into finding another job and get moved home now, even if it means taking vacation and a leave of absence while you find another job.

You will reach a point of no return when she won't LET you move home. When that happens, it will be too late. It may be too late now.

You will not save your marriage if you neglect it for 2 weeks on and 1 week off. If you want to have a chance, you need to be sleeping with your wife every night and meeting her needs on a DAILY basis. You can't possibly do that if you don't live together.

How will you be doing financially when she divorces you and gets child support for 3 children and alimony/maintenance?

Seriously, that is where you have been heading.

Plus, it really sounds like she has someone else that has been meeting her needs, emotional for sure and who knows if it has gotten physical yet.

You will say she is not like that and you would know, but your story is the identical template to everyone elses who find out the truth too late because they are in denial.

LTL

I hear all of you. She is very depressed and was on anti-depressants. She told me today that she thinks she will go back on them. She says she feels trapped.

I believe she is faithful, but will look around.

Tell her you have a plan for a great marriage and give her the plan Dr Harley recommends. If you show enthusiasm for your future together with this plan, maybe she'll come on board.

luj, I would urge you to find another job and do it fast. There is no hope here unless that changes. Living apart has wrecked your marriage and nothing will change until you change that. You have to stop the blood flow before it can move forward. Your marriage is bleeding out as we speak.

Please listen to these. Traveling Jobs

If you don't want to get another job, why can't you rent a house/ apartment closer to your work so you don't have to commute every week? From the sounds of things your wife is a stay at home mum so moving for her would be easy.