Know that this is not trivial at all, and no one here would ever say it was. Many people consider emotional affairs more destructive than physical affairs.

This list is from Surviving an Affair. What has been done, and what is left to do?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Her parents know what happened, so check.

Why?

How much time, and what do you do?

Dr. Harley recommends 25 hours out on dates, focusing on conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

I have 7 kids under 10. If I can do it, so can you

Franklin,

Waywards minimize so I have to give another vote for getting a polygraph for your WW. Nobody wants to believe it was physical, but with everything you wrote there are very strong reasons to believe it was/is.

Did you expose the OM at work?

Do you know the identities of the OMs previous affair partners, you can dime the OM out to their husbands.

Avoid sex with your WW until she gets checked for STDs.

God Bless
Gamma

Its only impossible if you put the job before your marriage. You have barely missed getting hit by a bus and if you don't stop taking such crazy risks you won't be so lucky next time. Your wife is addicted to this man and she will meet him out of town or communicate with him if the opportunity arises.

if you don't remove the risk, you will lose. You have a unique opportunity right now that you won't have again. Please don't risk it again over a little job.

Your having access will not prevent him from contacting her.

Please listen to these. Beware of Bad Counselors

It is possible that your wife has taken her affair deep underground for a time because she knows that you are watching her closely.

Your intel has been strong, but you've let her know what you know before catching her with conclusive evidence that there is physical affair.

Something is not adding up here.

Is she loving and affectionate with you at home?

She has been very loving and affectionate, and we've been making great strides. It almost seems as if some of the commentators have pre-conceived notions that this was/is a physical affair, without knowing the her or the specifics. I've done considerable investigation, and have observed her non-verbal indications both before and after the revelation. There wasn't anything physical. I've talked to the guy's wife, and i've talked to the guy himself, with my wife in the room. My wife feels played by him, like he led her to believe it was a friendship when he was looking for more. As i said before, i've seen the deleted texts. If there was something more going on, it would have been revealed through those. She had no idea that was even possible, and thought deleting them meant they were gone forever. So if there was romance or sex going on, they would've been talking about it, or at least referring to it, either in the texts i read, or the phone calls i listened to. I was just looking for some advice about regaining trust, and it seems as though everyone has decided that she's still lying and i shouldn't even be trying.

No one is saying stop trying.
We have all seen the waywards lie, deceive, lie some more, fake reconciliation, etc.

There are documented cases of waywards being affectionate and loving to get the betrayed spouse to leave them alone.

The point is, it has been repeated time and time again on this board that waywards lie, cheat, deceive, hide, gaslight, etc.
Waywards become people you would never recognize in their behaviors.
Most of the veterans are ultra skeptical as it relates to the wayward behavior.
It might be that she was never physical with OM, but it was admitted that he had intent to be physical. We all know admissions by waywards are always far less true than what actually happened.

If your wife is willing to commit to reconciliation, then she needs to agree to go no contact for life, quit that job, polygraph, Extraordinary precautions, etc. If she is resistant to this, then that is a red flag!

Franklin,
The reason it may seem as though everyone suspects a PA, is the fact that a large majority of these situations either have already become physical, or are about to turn physical. The fact that your wife was deleting texts, and hiding phone conversations, shows that she was starting to have feelings for him, because he was meeting her emotional need of good conversation. She didn�t want to lose these good conversations, or his �Friendship�, so she decided if she wanted to keep doing it, she had better start hiding it. The problem with this, is it becomes slippery slope. Once she starts lying to you, it becomes easier and easier to lie in the future, and once they have grown close enough emotionally, and in secret, then Sex is sure to follow eventually. Even if your wife never had intentions of a PA, if she was to continue this relationship, it would eventually become physical. Part of the reason, is that all along, this OM�s intentions were to have a PA with your wife. Once he gains her trust and fills her love bank enough, he will get exactly what he was after.

I am in the same boat as you. I discovered my wife�s emotional affair a year ago, and my trust in her has been completely destroyed. Part of that was due to the fact, that she said she had completely cut off all conversation, and then I discovered it time and time again. The problem was, that every time I found out that they were still communicating, it had become more entrenched, and was closer to a PA. The last main discovery I had 6 months ago, things were very close to getting physical. I know that if I wouldn�t have found this website, and took the advice of so many of these wise and caring people, my wife�s EA, would have most certainly turned into a PA. The thing I resisted the most, because I was afraid, was exposing at work. I resisted with everything I had, but looking back now, that is the single most important thing I did, and it gave me my confidence and life back.

My main point, is do not under any circumstance think that this will just blow over without putting serious EP�s in place. Even if things seem wonderful, as long as they have any chance of seeing each other, or talking at all, things will eventually start back up right where they left off, only the next time it could go right to a PA, and you would risk losing her. Remember what Melody said �Your Marriage comes first no matter what�. Also, never call it �Just an Emotional Affair� the pain and loss of trust from an EA, I believe can be just as damaging to a relationship as a full blown PA.

Where did I say you shouldn't even be trying?
You're nowhere near close to that point. You've got a lot you can still do.

The list I gave you is the first step to regaining trust. But it must be followed to the letter. Can you answer my questions? The ones I don't see an answer to are:
Does she work with him?
Why is no more nights apart impossible?
How many hours are you getting alone together each week? Doing what?

huh? No one said you shouldn't be trying. The folks are only pointing out that you seem to be a little naive about the situation. We WANT to help your marriage and believe it is very salvageable if you will make some key changes. I just want to point out that you are the LEAST objective and the least experienced person on this thread, so I hope you take the advice to heart.

She does not work with him. She works from the home, and he has an office in another city. He used to work in her field but no longer does. No nights apart are impossible, or at least very improbable, because she occasionally has to visit clients and we have 5 small kids at home. There's no way one person (other than me) can take care of all of them and me travel with her everywhere she goes. Finally, we are not getting a lot of alone time together each week, in part because of the kids. it's generally been limited to an hour to two hours each night after everyone's in bed.

i didn't mean to condemn anyone, it's just that i honestly, and after thorough investigation, do not believe she will ever be in contact with him again. he wrote a letter to me, her, and his own wife saying that our families should have no contact with each other (i think he was stung by the fact that i talked with his wife about the situation, on two or three occasions). i think my wife feels as though the bloom is off the rose, so to speak, and that she wouldn't try to contact him even if she knew that i wouldn't find out. i understand that in many instances, this is precisely what a WS says to placate, but i have almost zero doubt that it's true.

Have you looked at the Extraordinary Precautions list?
have you asked her to take a polygraph?
Have you read up about triggers?

I have read the extraordinary precautions. Most i am already doing. She hasn't changed all her phone numbers, etc, but i have access to all accounts and all passwords. I have asked her to take a polygraph, and she said that she would, no problem.

Franklin,

One of the things betrayed spouses often don't get immediately is that the wayward spouse is addicted to the affair partner in a way that is every bit as real as drug or alcohol addiction. And while in the light of day an addict can state 100s of reasons why they will not go back the addiction is for life.

This OM has an intuitive sense of that fact, and knows that at some time in the future he can contact your W and start things up again. He is a serial predator. Have you exposed the OM at work and professionally?

Schedule the polygraph now, if there is anything WW has not told you she will likely tell you the day before the polygraph, or possibly in the car on the way there.

God Bless
Gamma

So the EP you need to concentrate on is the "no over nights apart".

So how can you accomplish this? How can you make sure you and your WW are together every night?