There is no need for a paternity test. I am white and he is mexican. She looks just like me and has blue eyes and blonde hair.

As for the affair, it was an emotional affair long before it was physical. I was still in the house for at least a year when she was talking to him through text, after she got pregnant, which means they had been talking before. She was angry that she got pregnant and actually said "I wanted another baby, just not with you." So she was thinking of letting the POSOM get her pregnant? What does that mean, anyway?

Like I said, she could be with him because there is nothing else to go to. She went for her parents' house to me, and from me to the POSOM. She could be codependent. She has never lived on her own until she divorced me, and even then the POSOM was there a lot, so she's never been 'alone' in that sense.

Then there is the mention of the long Plan A. I have had a feeling that she has not been happy with her decisions, and is perhaps hoping that I would do something. I have done nothing, because in the past I have never been able to have an adult conversation with her without it devolving into an argument.

I don't think she would ever admit to being wrong, so unless I do something, that affair will last a long time. Apparently her emotional needs are very few, consisting of sex and money. She constantly complains about being broke, yet she can take two weekends off in a row and go to an NFL game and spend two weeks on the east coast.

On the other hand, what CAN I do? This is all new for me so I don't know what I should be doing. I have sent her flowers on occasion, but it goes unmentioned like it never happened. My kids don;t like the POSOM, her brother has told her not to get serious with him, and he of all people would approve more than anyone.

Most people's morality is negotiable, ya know? Mine is not when something is clearly right or wrong. I swear it is a curse. My family should be together, my kids should have both parents. There was nothing about our relationship that was not salvageable. Nothing. This whole situation is wrong, and I cannot "get past it". It's so easy for most people, I guess.

So what should I do?

Blindsided,

Your attitude your your ex is very harsh and full of disrespectful judgements such as "her emotional needs consist of sex and money." What she did to you was immature and supremely selfish�.however, you will not win her over with your love-busting attitude if that is what you want.

I have been going through this for a much shorter amount of time and am a woman, but I got to be the same way during Plan A. I was full of disrespect and anger. Now that I have been in Plan B for a while, I am out of my own "fog" and I can see things a bit more clearly. I don't hate him anymore and I am putting my life together in the direction I want it to go. If he chooses not to come along for the ride, then we can discuss it. But I can't control him or his choices. I can only control mine.

So, you have two choices: You can Plan A by being the kind of husband she would want (without all of the disrespect and anger) or you can go into Plan B and try to heal yourself from the affair and see what happens after that. Plan B gets your life and head out of the affair, which is absolutely needed if it is consuming your life.

The irony is that he is right.
His wife told him: "If you would only **** me more then we would be together."

Blindside,
My personal opinion is that you made a mistake in marrying her.

You have a 20 year age difference which is a stumbling block. I remember as a kid a local rancher in his 70's married a 50 year old woman and I said to my dad, "I'm glad he got married again." My dad replied, "He's a fool. She's too young for him. She's not going to stop her sex drive just because he does."

On top of the age difference, you mentioned her childhood with a seemingly very strict religious father. You have speculated that she just married you to get out from under his influence and perhaps that is the case.

I think about your situation and when you ask what to do (Plan A or Plan B), I can only say to pray to God for guidance and write Dr. Harley another email. It has been years since you have been on his Radio Show; I suggested you write to him a few months ago but you were too busy with work.

Why not write to him now and ask for his advice on Plan A vs Plan B? And pray for guidance. Ask your church to pray too.

I think making statements like that is more of an observation than anything. You would not say "the sky is blue" is a disrespectful judgment about the sky. She was concerned about two things: My having a job and how often we had sex. She even told me that she kept track of how often. How much of a mood killer is THAT? She would demand sex, and then announce to me how many days or weeks it had been since last time. Excellent foreplay, right?

I dated this woman before I met my xW. We lived three hours apart and saw each other every weekend. We talked to each other every day during the week. When we were together on weekends, we'd have sex maybe 5 or 6 times, and Saturday mornings it would last for 3 or 4 hours. I am not saying this to brag, but that part of our relationship was hitting on all cylinders. Why? Because she made me feel desired and appreciated. That's it. That is all I really need to be happy. That alone made me so attracted to her that it was very intense physically. The same was true of my xW in the beginning, until we got married and moved to NM. For some reason she didn't act like she was happy to be married to me. We didn't have sex all the time because we stayed with my parents for a few months til we got on our feet. She would try to parlay every little physical contact I had with her into sex. It got to the point where I stopped being affectionate because of that. I tried to tell her that just because I wanted to be close to her didn't mean that I wanted to throw down. She'd get mad at me and tell me "You need to *** me more." It was a demand. You know what happens when you demand something of someone - you don't get it. As much as I wanted to make her happy, the fact that she didn't really treat me like anything else but a sex robot made me not really want to get close to her. I told her that, and she never listened to what I was saying. Actually right before she got pregnant with our 3 yr old, I think she was starting to take what I was saying into consideration. She had been reading some books. I am actually guilty of not being more responsive to her during this time, probably because I had been frustrated for so long. She wanted me to read some of them with her, and I was still attributing our problems to external issues like my not having a job, the business, etc (these were the things she was complaining most about).

I may not be 18, but I am good to go once a day on average. All I ever needed was for her to make me feel wanted, but she acted angry toward me most of the time, and never talked to me about anything.

Okay, it's late and I am repeating myself. I just want to know when that "affair" is going to fall apart so I can start doing something to get her back.

I agree on the mistake. She pursued me in the beginning and I resisted for quite a while. But then I thought of the failed relationship I had and felt like we had more in common than some of the women I dated before her. We are from the same hometown, so there's that. I overruled my better judgment.

However, we have 2 little girls who are not mistakes, and I am of the mind that a commitment is a commitment, and when there are two kids, it is not about us any more. Her enabler friends have told her "If you are happy, your kids will be happy." So... it doesn't matter whether the father is happy?? When does the mood of the universe and everyone in it depend on her? She's not happy like she thought she'd be. If she was, her father and me and her sister would not be noticing how unhappy she is.

I still think the phrase she used a couple months ago was very odd. She told me "I am at peace with my decision." Not "happy", but "at peace". Knowing her, it sounds to me like "I feel like I made a mistake, but there's no turning back." I am still not sure why she used that phrase. It also speaks to my feeling that she ultimately excepts, or expected me to pursue her again and win her back. Instead, I have been waiting, as I had been advised.

I have said it a hundred times already. She does not see the frustrated me, or the one who makes disrespectful judgments. She asks for a favor, I do it, with a positive attitude. We exchange the girls, there is not a lot of talking, but I do nothing that would make her upset or think that I am being disrespectful. The thing that is lacking is communication. She doesn't text me unless it is regarding the girls, and vice versa. I don't feel like I can have any more dialogue than that until her adulterous pet gorilla goes away.

Will you write Dr. Harley again?

I don't know. I have very little free time. Does he answer emails with advice rather than just to fill time on his show?

The fact your not listening to the show is a testament to the lack of motivation you have. I'll pray for you but you can only lead a horse to water. I'm appalled you haven't taken your DD claims that POSOM hurt her more seriously. This thread is full of poor me, evil WW. You have done nothing to improve your self spiritually, physically or mentally. As far as your concerned everything is WW fault and your above reproach. It's the whole child blame of he/she hit me first.

Didn't you ask this several months ago?

If you would read lots of other peoples threads here to gain insight and knowledge, you would have seen the answer to this on an almost daily basis.

Since you haven't studied and learned from others experiences, I will tell you the answer.

Nah. You need to write in to find out for yourself. If I just tell you, then you won't learn for yourself.

Looking forward to hearing your question on the show.

LTL

Really? Have you ever listened to the show?

Were you ever on the show besides this time? Or had any other questions sent in or is this the only time.

I think that's the only time he was on the Radio Show.
He has been too busy to call or write Dr. Harley for the past 2 years.

You forget you were still younger with the GF just before your WW.

One year makes a big difference in what a man did before and what he can do later.

Nineteen years is too big of an age difference for spouses. Sorry for your WW cheating. Sorry to point out that you are old enough to be your WW's dad.

I post this so that others will not follow your foot steps.

Wow. Who pissed in your Cheerios?

You know nothing about me. I look at least 10 years younger than I am. I am anatomically correct and fully functional. My geriatric [censored] recently did a 5-mile afternoon hike at almost 11,000 feet above sea level. My parents are both still around. My dad is almost 80 and still works because he wants to. My grandfather (his father) was 50 when he married my grandmother when she was 18. He outlived her by 30 years. I am not you. There is no rule about age difference. Dr. Harley mentioned difficulties with it and I am aware of how unusual it is.

I came here for advice, and lately all I've been getting is the pessimists who feel some need to bring me down.

Thanks.

I agree about the judgments about age differences. It is, to put it bluntly, unkind and uncalled for.

It is akin to saying blacks and whites can't marry. YOU have a problem with it, then it is YOUR problem.

BS,

It's not about bringing you down. It's more about giving you outsiders view.

You pointed out in your posts that your xWW 2 major complains were sex and money(in your own words).

To re-build your marriage or at least to try to reconcile you need to be able to fix the problems... otherwise the outcome will be pretty much the same...

Dr Harley said that marriages with big age difference from his experience are quite good and stable - however, under condition that an older husband would be a problem solver.

I assume you will need to make changes in your problem solving approach to be able to deliver.

Luna,
The age difference was pointed out because Dr. Harley has addressed age differences numerous times on his Radio Show.

The fact is age differences DO create challenges in marriages. That's not my opinion. That's Dr. Harley's opinion.

No. Dr. Harley said (while addressing Blindside call on the Radio) that Blindside's wife probably looked to him to solve problems.
Huge age differences are bound to cause problems.
I emailed him about this topic for dating and he encouraged dating the same age.