Ok, I am going to be negotiating a conflict and I can't figure out what the default is nor how to make it not a win/lose.

This weekend is parent's weekend at our oldest's college. We made plans to go as a family for the weekend and camp and have a good time. There is a dinner we are going to on Friday night for his dorm. Now 17yo has a basketball meeting for students and parents this Friday that I just found out about. This is somewhat complicated. We homeschool, but my son is taking 13 hours at the local cc. But the local Christian school allows homeschoolers to play sports. This is his first time to do that. He does not want to miss this meeting and doesn't see why he needs to go to Parents weekend. He feels once again older brother is getting to dictate his life even when he isn't here. Now I've talked to my friend and if we e-mail then there won't be a problem with us not attending.

My 17yo is very responsible. He already has 40 hours of dual credit prior to this semester, making straight A's and the dean's list at the cc last year. He has stayed alone before and been very responsible, so the staying alone isn't what my husband has a problem with. He doesn't think that sports should dictate family life. That said, we had a family 2 week vacation in August. He saw his brother a month ago. We have another family obligation with a 50th anniversary family celebration next month, so we will be all together.

So the choices are having our son come with us to Parent's weekend. ( what my husband wants) and letting him stay home. ( what I want) I don't know what the default position is. I'm not sure how to brainstorm other possible solutions... We have 3 days to figure this out and I want to discuss it this evening.

No, those are not the only choices. Keep coming up with suggestions with each other until one works for both of you and you both love it. Start by saying that you know some ideas will be completely hopeless. Keep going until you find one that you can see is a possible. The idea here is to keep thinking outside the box. Both of you need to be safe making whacky suggestions.

I guess I'm just not seeing it. Because he wants us to all be together. That is his default.. I can't figure out another solution that includes that... I mean I could say that I would stay with son to go to basketball meeting and my husband and daughter could go on Friday and then my son and I could join on Saturday but my husband would not be enthusiastic. The tickets have been bought. We would not have an entire family weekend... He really doesn't like for us to be split up.

Keep going with the ideas but with him not with us. What we want is beside the point.

The default position is that nobody goes to anything until a solution has been enthusiastically agreed upon.

Which means no parent's weekend so our oldest son will be upset we are not there, husband will be mad the whole family isn't together and we wasted 125 dollars on dinner tickets. My son will be mad that we keep him home from the meeting. I will be mad that everyone is unhappy.

Default is lose/lose.

You must suggest this this to him, along with other proposals, (is it possible for you to go with your husband and your son to arrive alone on Saturday?) and negotiate. Do not presume to know his feelings. Doing so is disrespectful, even though you arrive at your conclusion on the basis of years of evidence.

If you and your H start from the position that nobody is going anywhere until this is sorted out then your H will have to think about solutions and not dig his heels in for the family weekend plan.

The enthusiastic decision is between you and your H. Your son is not a party to the decision, although clearly you will want to make him happy and not drag a sulking 6-foot boy along to ruin your weekend. Your decision will probably be one that does not make individual members of the family unhappy, but it must be a decision made by you and your husband; not you, your husband and any of the children.

Your son could be made to go with the family, if that is what both parents want, but since that isn't what you want then do not capitulate to your husband on this to keep the peace. Your husband must learn to put your desires at the forefront of his considerations. He has been making decisions based on his love of being with the children, even though those decisions often make you unhappy. That should never have happened, and it has been happening throughout your marriage. You need to stop that happening.

Indeed! And I'm sure your husband will see that! The default position encourages him to negotiate.

He doesn't want both older and younger sons upset, everyone disappointed, the money wasted and the lingering unhappiness. A solution has to be found and can be found, but you must start from the position that nobody goes anywhere until that is done. The default position is NOT that the family weekend will definitely take place. Your husband does not have the right to enforce his will on you. I know that you describe him as a kind and giving man, but he often makes you unhappy. The person first and foremost that he needs to be kind and giving to is YOU, as we have told you many times.

Have you read the book He Wins She Wins? I think this must have been recommended to you several times, because you often post about your husband's seeming unwillingness to place your perspective at the forefront of joint decision-making. That book answers the hard questions about the default position, and shows why it cannot become the permanent position. Have you read it?

I'm making my way through it. I think my husband is more in a position to hear me now. He has really been making steps with much more UA time, etc. This weekend I shared some very hard things with him and he even told me you need to stop worrying about me. I'm a big boy. You need to be happy as well.

I just want to be prepared with all of the answers, but then I think what if I am wrong.... what if we leave him alone and he gets in a car crash, what if, what if, what if, what if

But hubby is really worried about me right now, texting me encouraging things, calling to make sure I'm ok, so I think he will listen... But what if I'm wrong....what if I make a mistake...

Exactly! That is the point. So it is in your husbands best interest to work with you to find a solution about which you are both enthusiastic.

you should not seek to be prepared like that. The goal is to arrive at the answers between you. You do not have to have all the answers, and the solutions to the "what if" questions, simply because you are unhappy with your husband's imposing a plan on you.

And you don't have to be nasty about this or "put your foot down" and become stubborn. Just tell him that you need to find a solution to the different needs that have arisen about the weekend. You are not happy with his plan that everyone must go away for the whole weekend and you want to find a way to accommodate your younger son's wishes (if that is how you feel), because you are not happy at forcing him to go with you for the whole time. Equally, you don't want to miss seeing your older son and spending some time together as a family.

If your husband tries to put his foot down, then you will have to tell him that you are not going along with his plan, and you are not letting him take your younger son and daughter with him by force.

Don't anticipate a fight, though. Go into this pleasantly, with the goal of finding a win-win solution. Keep the phrase "win-win" at the forefront of your mind.

Are you talking about the book? Are you saying that you own a copy and you are reading it? If so, what reasons does it give for not settling for the default position? What suggestions does it make?

Do you mean the chapter How to Negotiate when doing nothing is what One spouse wants???

The default position is not expected to be a win.

Stick to the rule of doing nothing unless you are both enthusiastic. Then eventually he will have to look for a win for you along with himself, if he wants you to do anything. That's what being married is all about!

I haven't got my copy of the book in front of me, but I'll get it later. I know that it talks about not leaving things at the default position, and why. I don't know if it's in that chapter.

hw, how did you are your H deal with this issue?

My husband had a long talk with our son. He had several tests and papers due on that Monday and Tuesday and needed to work on them, so he allowed him to stay home. He was ok with that and the rest of us had a nice time.

A situation last night that I�m not sure how to deal with. We had a SS party� I just wasn�t much in the mood, so I didn�t talk as much as I normally do. I was not my bubbly self. In fact, several people mentioned they thought I was tired and hubby asked me if I was ok when we got home.. Fast forward to this morning.. He mentions something that bothered him and he did it in a very nice way. He thought I should be careful about something I said as it could look like bragging and might make others feel bad. ( I am a little worried about oldest�s grades. He made straight A�s his freshman year but will probably make mostly B�s this semsester. People mentioned he just might be in the weeding out stage and I mentioned yeah they have already lost quite a few including someone from out church�) Hubby is right. Some people would be thrilled if their child made all B�s�. I shouldn�t have mentioned the other kid�s name. I wasn�t meaning to be malicious. He was absolutely correct� Anyway, I�ve been crying since he told me that.. How do you keep from feeling awful when you make a mistake.. I already have trouble guarding what I say.. I get into much more trouble when I �talk� on the internet because I say much more what I really feel� I�m just so tired. I can�t say anything. What I think I wrong. What I feel is wrong� Just really tired. Gosh if I screwed up this much when I said so little..how much do I screw up when I feel great� I thanked him for sharing what bothered him,but now I just want to cry all day...

Hmmmmm maybe it's just me but I don't see what you said that was so horrible...so I don't see it as a mistake. I am unclear what you mean by "they have already lost quite a few." Who is "they" and what is "lost?"

This may be cultural, but I am 100% in agreement with DH. When I was at school our grades were posted on the public notice board for the entire school to read. Now grades are private. Different system, different rules.



Houston we have a problem. DH made a complaint and you had a meltdown. Presume he noticed and presume this will discourage him from making complaints so you need to find a way to address this. Talk to him about your feelings. After thanking him for the complaint, tell him that you had a very intense reaction. POJA this with him. The solution may be something as simple as getting him to complain more often or maybe he needs to tell you how wonderful you are more often so that your self-esteem is higher.