I have a friend (married approx 20 yrs, 3children) who has had difficulty with her husband's AO for a few years now. She's not felt safe expressing how she feels for at least a year because of his AO. Her husband was made redundant from his job several months ago and is struggling to find another.

Last week they had a particularly bad argument, he packed his bags and left. He rang the next day and asked if she would have him back - she said, not if you're going to behave like that. He hung up before she had the opportunity to say that she still wants to be married to him but he has to stop the AO.

She won't have him back till he proves he's overcome his anger problem. She would like to do the MB program when he's done that. She has read over several articles on the MB website and has written the following letter to e-mail him. Is it a good idea to send the letter and are there any changes you would make?


Dear husband
�
First of all I want to apologize to you for my part in creating an environment and atmosphere that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my constant quarreling and complaining and grumbling have made you unhappy and I also have created much heartache in our relationship and I am committed to deal with these issues and willing to change.

Also there has not been honesty and openness in our marriage and I feel we have been living separated lives for some time now.

You have also said to me that whatever you decide, I have to do and follow regarding moving to another country and other issues.� I can not live under those commands anymore and I am sure there are issues in your life that you can�t live under anymore. There are too many to mention as over the last years they have been built up and swept under the carpet and really never been dealt with.

I want us to have a happy fulfilling marriage but I do not believe that can happen until you address and resolve your angry outbursts. It causes me immense stress when my comments are not addressed or they are addressed with anger.

There also has to be an honesty and openness between us and no secret decisions or, �I am going to do it anyway� attitudes.

Also the situation with porn has caused me enormous pain and suffering. And I am asking that you start dealing with that issue.

In the meantime, I don't feel safe living together under these circumstances. If you would resolve your anger and your addiction to porn and go through a marriage recovery program, I would consider reconciliation. Until that happens, I will have to separate from you and maintain contact via email and phone calls.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. To have an intimate, fulfilling� marriage again. We need to build a new lifestyle and a new love for each other and in which everything we do and decide makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, your lover, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend, lover and grow old with you.

With love
�

I want to applaud your friend for asking him to leave! She did the right thing! I would only ask that she come here herself. I would make the following changes in her letter:


Dear husband
�
First of all I want to apologize to you for my part in creating an environment and atmosphere that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my constant quarreling and complaining and grumbling has made you unhappy and I also have created much heartache in our relationship and I am committed to deal with these issues and willing to change. [complaining is a MUST in a happy marriage! ]

Also there has not been honesty and openness in our marriage and I feel we have been living separated lives for some time now.

You have also said to me that whatever you decide, I have to do and follow regarding moving to another country and other issues.� I can not live under those commands anymore and I am sure there are issues in your life that you can�t live under anymore. There are too many to mention as over the last years they have been built up and swept under the carpet and really never been dealt with. I want us to make mutual decisions that benefit us both.

I want us to have a happy fulfilling marriage but I do not believe that can happen until you address and resolve your angry outbursts. It causes me immense stress when my comments are not addressed or they are addressed with anger.

There also has to be an honesty and openness between us and no secret decisions or, �I am going to do it anyway� attitudes.

Also the situation with porn has caused me enormous pain and suffering. And I am asking that you start dealing with that issue STOP.

In the meantime, I don't feel safe living together under these circumstances. If you would resolve your anger and STOP your addiction to porn and go through a marriage recovery program, I would consider reconciliation. Until that happens, I will have to separate from you and maintain contact via email and phone calls.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. To have an intimate, fulfilling� marriage again. We need to build a new lifestyle and a new love for each other and in which everything we do and decide makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, your lover, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend, lover and grow old with you.

With love
�

Your friend is taking a very hard step, and you are doing great to support her.

Here are my additions to Melody's edit:

Dear husband

First of all I want to apologize to you for my part in creating an environment and atmosphere that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my constant quarreling has made you unhappy and I also have created much heartache in our relationship and I am committed to deal with these issues and willing to change.

Also there has not been honesty and openness in our marriage and I feel we have been living separated lives for some time now.

You have also said to me that whatever you decide, I have to do and follow regarding moving to another country and other issues. I can not live under those commands anymore and I am sure there are issues in your life that you can�t live under anymore. There are too many to mention as over the last years they have been built up and swept under the carpet and really never been dealt with. I want us to make mutual decisions that benefit us both.

I want us to have a happy fulfilling marriage but I do not believe that can happen until you address and resolve eliminate your angry outbursts. It causes me immense stress when my comments are not addressed or they are addressed with anger. [Use the stronger word "eliminate" over "resolve." Whether or not the problem is resolved can be debated, but he can't debate if it is eliminated or not.]

There also has to be an honesty and openness between us and no secret decisions or, �I am going to do it anyway� attitudes.

Also the situation with porn has caused me enormous pain and suffering. And I am asking that you STOP.

In the meantime, I don't feel safe living together under these circumstances. If you would resolveeliminate your anger and STOP your addiction to porn and go through a marriage recovery program, I would consider reconciliation. Until that happens, I will have to separate from you and maintain contact via email and phone calls.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. To have an intimate, fulfilling marriage again. We need to build a new lifestyle and a new love for each other and in which everything we do and decide makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, your lover, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend, lover and grow old with you.

With love

This article details the steps he will need to take in order to eliminate his AOs:

How to Negotiate When You Are an Emotional Person
In addition to those steps, he probably needs to join an anger management group that will hold him accountable.

She needs to be sure that she does not take him back for at least a year.

Thanks Melodylane and Prisca. I've forwarded on that info to her. I'll be asking my friend if she can come here herself. She's afraid to send the letter because of the response she may get i.e. either he ignores it or he has another angry outburst. To safeguard herself, I suggested she not have any phone contact with him at this stage, but only communicate via e-mail or text. Do you agree?

Yes - when she sends the letter, there should be no way for him to get a response back to her, other than if he agrees to all of her terms. If he does not, then what he says needs to be filtered out for her by an intermediary. She should protect herself by making it impossible for him to contact her, other than by going through that intermediary.

How should she word the info about the intermediary in the letter?

Has she changed her locks?

I'll ask her. Hadn't thought of that.

Has she told you about the porn use? Will he get into anger management?

Yes,she did. She doesn't know if he'll do anger management until he replies to the letter.

Hi
I am the friend with the letter and I want to thank you all for your advice. We been married 23 years and I have to say we had good times and bad times but looking back our communication has never been good and we have created major bad habits. I hope and pray it is not too late to save my marriage. I have sent the letter to my husband. Dont know what to do now but to wait. I need to sort myself out too and get healing in major bad habits myself.
I have read the How to negotiate when you are an emotional person and sadly I have to admit that I do or we both respond in that way.

Have you blocked all means of him contacting you directly until he agrees with the planto recover completely from his angry outbursts?

Change cell phone number.

Change e-maill address.

Get an IM to buffer his comments until he agrees and puts that into action steps and it is working.

LTL

Hi LTL,
No I have not done all that. I haven't had a reply back and I dont think he will for a while. He is a very stuborn person and it has to take him a lot to budge. I dont think he will threaten me.

SD

How To Plan B Correctly.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

Please read through the topic thread and tell us how you can properly protect your emotions.

LTL

Thank you for that. I am rather new to all this can you tell me what
PBL
WS
BS
NC

All stands for?
Thank you and I will go read it all again and just do all that.

Here Acronyms and Abbreviations

I don't know if this is on there, but PBL=Plan B Letter