Dr. Harley often states that a betrayed spouse has every right to divorce their unfaithful spouse; however, there often reasons why the betrayed spouse wants to try and save the marriage. In this case, MB has a plan to help kill the affair and recover the marriage.

This man has been married to his wife for over 10 years and they have a couple of young children together. This is often a reason a spouse wants to try everything they can to save the marriage.

The plan may not work, but this is his best shot.

Dr Harley's son, Steven, does private coaching and can be contacted through this website. My WH and I tried marriage counseling and it was a waste of time and money. I paid for one session with Steven Harley (without my H)and I realized he could have saved my marriage if my WH was on board with recovery. For me, it was too late. Try to set up one session with him and you will know right away if you have a chance. Trust me....you will know and see the difference!

Thanks for the replies.

nakxd: I've been on the board for over a year and I understand Dr. H's program and I understand the behavior of my wife. I know she is not herself right now and that once a marriage is rebuilt using MB principles that she will be back and we can be happy. I've had some time apart even though MB program doesn't encourage that and I've realized just as LWFH stated our family, the last 11 years and the next 50 are more important than this issue. It's actually pretty insignificant if she provides just compensation and gives me everything I need.

I reached out to the radio show email but I am awaiting a response. Hopefully I can follow through on whatever plan is suggested to me. I'm pretty sure I will be going to a Dr. next week to try and get on some anti-depressants to help me.

If you don't hear back from the Harleys notify the MODS so they can let the Harleys know.

This week the radio show had some repeats so may be the Harleys were out for a few days.

I don't understand how her providing just compensation is insignificant if your objective is restoration of the marriage. Just compensation is the action of restoration.

One of the main points of JC is to redevelop trust and Affair Proof your marriage.

Wouldn't THAT be important to you?

LTL

I think he meant the affair would be insignificant if she provided just compensation.

"The last 11 years and the next 50 are more important than this issue. It's actually pretty insignificant if she provides just compensation and gives me everything I need. "

Ahhh..... The power of a properly utilized comma.

Now it makes sense the way you interpreted it.

LTL

Yeah, that is what I meant. I've realized, I shouldn't let this define the rest of my life. I can control what happens and my anger and resentment has subsided that I can understand that dealing with the affair is bearable. I just need her to give me the love I need, the admiration and to prop me up so that I don't have to feel that shame. Right now, I don't think she is capable but I know that it can be done.

Update: My wife was out of town this weekend (she had our kids, its her week with them). I know she didn't hang out with any men but has been in contact with other men via text and phone. She's pretty much all over the place right now, talking to like 3-6 guys I think. I know its multiple ones.

Yesterday, I had to work in the evening and asked if I could come see the kids, she agreed. I went and had a good time with the kids, watched a couple tv episodes had hot chocolate with them and my wife. I was set to leave and she said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I've been around her long enough to know I think she wanted me to stay. So I stayed the night, we showered together and shared some sf time and cuddling all night. It was weird because we were fooling around on the sofa and something happened that she saw a FB update. Apparently the mom of the guy she was seeing (it became apparent to me that he chose someone else over her) added her as a friend on FB. She was upset because of the pictures the guy's mom had just updated in her profile. IDK, it was awkward because she became very upset and started talkin on the phone with her girlfriend and flat out told her how mad she was.

I thought our night was going to be ruined and I almost left because I didn't think I would be able to control my emotions. I stuck it out, did not LB once and then after she finished venting to her friend, she invited me to shower and thats when we kept going for a few hours then slept and cuddled all night. She did make the comment when we were about to shower about if this was going to confuse me. Of course I downplayed it and wanted to meet any emotional needs possible.

I know she is still not out of this fog and last night didn't mean as much to her as it did me. As much as I enjoyed our night together, I need to make sure I navigate this situation properly. I am trying to Plan A with zero LB'ers but I also need to make sure I don't push too hard because any emotional talk or relationship talk is a huge LB for her right now. Please give some advice, I have been texting her casually this morning, I know she is texting someone else too (phone log) but I don't know who all she is texting. I'm assuming its men or one man. She is constantly prioritizing me behind them and I know she is caught up in fog and that is why but I need to make sure I'm playing this right. Should I keep trying to compete for her time right now or just back off. I don't want to be an annoyance and LB that way but I am keeping all my interaction light and positive.

Did you ever hear back from the Harleys?

I have not heard from them yet.

Notify the MODS.

Thanks. I have notified them. Any advice you have would be welcome. I know you've been around for a long time.

Did you ever get into anger management?

I havent had a chance to listen to the clips. I will definitely do it this week. I have been doing my best to have zero LB'ers as I know how important that is. Like last night, I was planning to leave and give up an opportunity to make some LB deposits but was able to control my emotions. After we started having fun and I saw her smile and enjoyment in what was going on it made it easier for me. We were even laughing together about some stuff and it has been a while since we legitimately shared some genuine laughs.

Since your stitch has been going on since June of 2013, could you please do a recap?

How many affairs has she had?

Does her OM still work at your company?

Have you been tested for STDs?

Sure, I laid out my entire situation in the letter above from start to end but here is what has happened since D-day in June of 2013.

WW had an A that lasted about 3 months. When I found out it took about 3 weeks to end all contact although a NC was never sent. I could never get her to agree to do this. I did leave home for about 2 weeks in August but then came back and we started trying to recover our M. WW was doing everything she could to try and recover the M and instituted boundaries I asked for and was fully transparent. This lasted for about 3-4 months but as she did not completely follow the MB program, like sending the NC letter and really not taking accountability in my opinion (she still always blamed me for the A). This lead to a lot of resentment to build up and I finally snapped and couldn't handle it anymore.

In March of 2014 I advised her I needed to separate because it became too much. We fought alot during the attempt at recovery and we both had tons of LB'ers during the recovery attempt and really demeaned each other alot. Due to this we were both filled with resentment. At this time, I didn't have the means to move out so we were cohabitating. I was trying to scare her or snap her back into reality but she would just complain about our lifestyle, call me controlling and really resented our lifestyle.

When I told her I wanted to move out and was finished trying to work on the relationship she totally went into destructive behavior. She reached out the the A partner, hung out with him (idk that she had sex with him again but did send him naked pics and was trying to so I'm assuming it happened). She started sexting and sending naked pics to multiple guys during this time and was reaching out to any and everyone. This became so bad that in August of this year I just needed out of the house because I couldn't handle that. I got an apartment and just left. This put a huge strain on us financially but neither of us cared really. She was doing whatever she wanted and I was just done and also reaching out to other women. I was just so hurt and angry as I'm sure my WW was as well.

After about a month and a half of me being moved out she had sex with one other person I know about and realized she was used. She realized she was just going down a destructive path and stopped talking and hanging out with other men. She started staying over at my apartment and after a few weeks started telling me she loved me and asked for her wedding ring back, etc. Even though my anger had passed, I was still full of resentment and honestly wanted nothing to do with working on our marriage. I like having her around but did not want to commit to working on my marraige (I know, having my cake and eating it too).

After about a month of her coming over she was staying at my house 4-5 nights a week. We were still speaking to other ppl but I think we had both stopped hanging out with anyone else. We never communicated this to each other and I don't think any of us realized what was happening. Suddenly, she stopped coming over. I invited her almost every day for about a week and a half but she made excuses about why she wasnt coming over.

On Halloween night I discovered she hung out and spent the night with another man. I was asking her to hangout that night but she refused. This sent me off the deep end. I found out the following week she had been speaking to him for about 3 weeks and hanging out with for about 2 and she advised she was no longer interested in working on us and wanted to pursue a relationship with him. Needless to say, I did everything possible to break it up, I exposed, didn't allow her time to be alone with him, called her and text her all night when they were together and they ultimately stopped seeing each other about a week after.

I found out last night per my update earlier that it appears he picked someone over her. Regardless she is still wrapped up in that and him I'm sure. She is going down the destructive path speaking to anyone and everyone right now. She is probably texting 4-5 guys right now and she does it all day long. I know she isn't thinking clearly but has shut me out again. I posted what happened yesterday but she is still texting someone all day today even though she texts me also. Our texts have to be casual or she will get mad. She doesn't want to discuss feelings or relationship right now.

So thats it...sorry its so long. BTW, I stopped hanging out with other women about a week and half after my wife started staying at my apartment. We were together very young and I always wondered what other women would be like. Now that I know and have experienced it, I realize it doesnt compare what I had. I know it was unfair and selfish of me, but I am reaping the consequences now. I'm just trying to salvage the woman I love and my family now. I know its what I want.

Have you had a physical relationship with any of the women you were "hanging out with"?

I've read the whole thread again, and I can see a clear problem with your untreated depression and your anger. You were given advice about these issues, but you have a habit of simply stopping posting to your thread for a while, and then coming back with an update. There is some advice that you haven't followed through on, like anger management, anti-depressants and, at the time when your wife was much more receptive to you, booking a coaching session with Steve Harley (Dr Harley's son). You can still book a coaching session right now, and speak to Steve on your own.

I suspect that Dr Harley's advice will be what is usually is: if you want to win your wife back, you need to expose the recent affairs to anyone that can help you by talking to your wife (and expose to the workplace if, once again, she is seeing a colleague. You need to find out who these men are). After that you need to do a proper Plan A, which means trying to win your wife back while she continues in the affair(s).

Plan A means meeting whatever emotional needs she will allow you to meet - and clearly she wants you to meet intimate needs since it appears that she recently had sex with you - and not doing ANYTHING to tick her off. That means no angry outbursts and no giving in to depression. When you have been depressed before you have moved out of the house and filed for divorce. That led you to where you are today, with her living apart from you and enjoying her "unmarried' status (as she sees it), and with you now being unable to stop her seeing other men. if you try to put your foot down she can simply stop seeing you.

If your depression means that you cannot do Plan A you must do Plan B, which will protect you from the pain of seeing her in the affairs, while you wait for them to die out.

However, since you have written to Dr Harley, the best thing for you to do is wait on his advice.

Did I understand correctly, that you have only been married for 3 years? What made you decide to get married after already having children? Did you feel at the time that your relationship was going well after all its problems?

Yeah, I have a doctors appt on Thursday to try and get on some anti-depressants. I really feel like I need them. Honestly, I haven't had any AO for a file. Even now, that she is speaking to ppl right in front of me, I've learned to control my temper or remove myself from the situation.

I have kissed other women since we have been apart but I didnt want it to go further so it hasn't. Its just not what I've wanted, I guess its a bigger deal to me than her and that was a big source of my resentment with the A. At this point, I've realized it is what it is and if I want the rest of my life with my wife then I just need to let go of the past.

None of the men she is speaking to work with her. None of them even live in our same town. They live about an hour and a half away in our hometown.

We had kids unplanned when we were young. We really were just irresponsible and it happened. We had been together for 11 1/2 years with no breaks so we were always a family just not married until 2011. We just never had a wedding and it was something my wife always wanted (all women want)so I wanted her to have her dream wedding.

I am going to the Dr. today to see about some anti-depressants because they had a cancellation. Hopefully I can start feeling a little better.