Hello all.<P>I am really hurting now. Pregnancy test on urine from our bathroom last night tests positive...2 distinct pink lines...for pregnancy.<P>I am not the father. She doesn't know that I know...I don't know if she knows.<P>Talked to the EPT company..they say if the second line turns pink...it's definitely + although they can't guarantee it due to it's being from the toilet and so diluted.<BR>What do I do?<p>[This message has been edited by john1960 (edited November 08, 1999).]

john, the only thought that i have is that child is gonna need a father. wether or not its yours- kids need to know that they are loved.<BR>take care

My first thought, Join the club!<P>I don't think that would be very helpful though. I know your situation, living it. Two ways to go depending on your personal strength and conviction. 1.Carry on and not say anything and raise the child as your own. 2.Confront your W and relieve yourself of that burden so that you may focus on what to do about the baby.<P>I personally WAS about to the point that I could accept this and move on, I think I could have / still could be a better father to this unborn child than the OM could ever hope to be, whether it's mine or not.<P>You have a lot of soul searching to do.<P>Prayers for you.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

John,<P>What are your options?? Your wife hasn't committed to your marriage yet, and you need to decide if you want to remain married to her. There are no easy decisions here, so try to remain focused, and by all means refrain from lovebusters.<P>Dr. Harley has a couple Q&A's on these subjects. You should plan on using Complete Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement on everything you do from here on out---including divorce.<P>For your own point-of-view: do you want a divorce? If you do, then you should be prepared to discuss that with your wife---see if the both of you agree that a divorce would be best.<P>If you don't want a divorce, then you need to focus on how you fee about the unborn child. Could you raise it?? If the answer is no, is that "no" a definite NO, an "I can't imagine it" statement, or a "I just don't know how...". For me, it's been pretty easy raising our youngest, even though he's not biologically mine. I was unsure of how I would react once he was born, but I knew that I loved children and I promised that I would do my best not to hold it against him. And it's been easy for me---but I realize that you aren't me. You should be careful in weighing that choice.<P>If you feel that there's no way that you could raise the child as your own, but you still want to pursue your marriage---there are the options of abortion and adoption. Neither is easy---none of this is.<P>I would suggest that your pain your feeling now is going to be pretty temporary. A pregnancy puts a clock on the affair. Your wife will be forced to make a lot of decisions now. This is the time to get your best "Plan A" face out---be supportive and understand, but be honest with her about the way you feel. You're not going to be stuck in limbo forever here---things are going to change. Perhaps they'll change in a way that's going to have you posting some good news, in a while.<P>Hang tough.

I definetely wouldn't tell her that you were taking samples from the toilet... Don't EVER go there... She may know that she is pregnant, if she does and she aborts, it maybe a secret that she doesn't want anyone to know about except her, the child and God. <P>Be careful of the waves you make with this pebble. Been where you and Paul are at... and then some.

Stonehenge,<P>I already told her I knew she was pregnant, she denied, but hasn't yet asked specifically how I know. I told her that it was because she was two weeks late for her cycle. She said that she had her cycle and just didn't tell me about it. The test proves differently. So now what?

<BR>john1960,<P>Frankly, you are in a terrible spot. First of all, you MUST see an attorney to protect yourself financially, even if you don't seek a divorce. The fact is, you are subject to what are known as "assumed paternity" laws, and the state assumes that a child born within a marriage is yours. If you make ANY motions that acknowledge the child as yours (I've heard that even things like buying a crib count!), then the state can use that against you in declaring you the father. If your marriage tanks later, you can get stuck paying child support for a child that you can prove, with DNA no less, is not yours. In my view, you MUST confront your wife with what you know to avoid getting hammered with child support for this child later.<P>That said, the system is rigged to screw men whenever children are involved. My understanding is that you and your wife have a child. I hate to bear bad news, but if you choose to divorce, the odds are overwhelming that your wife will get custody of your daughter and child support to the tune of 25% of your gross income. And divorce settlements are usually biased towards women when children are involved, apart from the child support. It is incredibly unfair that the system actually rewards betraying women, but that's the way it is. Still, I'd personally find it impossible to raise someone else's child, but that's me.<P>You are in an incredibly tough spot. I do think you need to discuss this with your wife, though. If you play ignorant, you'd probably drive yourself insane wondering if she would ever confess to the actual paternity. And such questioning would make rebuilding extremely difficult anyhow.<P>Bystander

John1960,<P>Oh how well I know what you're going through. I'm there as we speak. Check my profile for the "skinny". I decided I cannot go on and raise this child as mine. First, my wife has yet to commit to the marriage so this made my decision for me. You MUST, MUST, MUST contact a lawyer! There is so much you will be liable for if this child is born into your marriage. I'm currently in the process of divorce right now and I'd suggest you think hard about what you need to do, not just for right now, but for the future. As stated, you must think about what you will be required to pay if your marriage tanks later on down the road. I decided that there isn't enough trust right now for me to think my marriage would last another 5 yrs. So 5 yrs from now I'd be paying child support for a child that isn't even mine. For me, that risk was to high. Pull yourself together the best you can, sit down and do some serious thought. Be honest with yourself and put the emotions of this to the side for a bit. Do your best to come to a conclusion that works best for YOU. Be true to YOU.