So, I've done the Marriage Builders thing, but not to completion before with my wife. Married 19 yrs, 3 awesome kids. I think I really screwed this up. I've had anger and rage issues in the past (therapist, anger management). I've been a workaholic. I've been and still am probably an egocentric narcissist. I've lied, withheld the truth, broken promises, didn't follow through on things. I've been controlling, unsupportive. I've neglected her emotionally, physically. And I really love my wife. I really truly do. And I think I've lost her. She doesn't love me anymore, she doesn't even like me as a person. Just looking for advice on what to do. I know the plan, the books, the method. I have them and maybe I should just do it. I want a lot of the same things she does, the intimacy, the friendship, the sex, the romance. I just don't know how to get this going. I don't know how to break through the negative parts right now. I haven't cheated, I don't drink, no affairs. But I've been I admit a terrible husband. Probably a horrible father as well.

You say you know the plan, the books, the method, but I don't see that you have implemented much of the program. The MB plan works 100% of the time if both spouses follow the program.

The first huge problem to confront are your love busters. You absolutely MUST eliminate every single one. Do you still have anger problems? Dr. Harley recommends relaxation for overcoming anger problems. AND he recommends that as long as a husband has anger problems, his wife should separate. Do you know that?

When you read Love Busters, did you and your wife institute any kind of program to eliminate them from your marriage?

That you don't cheat or drink is...well, it's a start. But there are heaps of other love busters that you will need to work on.

Hi, hope

A couple of questions for you:

* Please list everything you have lied and withheld the truth about.

* Do you have any female friends other than your wife?

Yes, you should.


1. Fill out Dr. Harley's personal history questionnaire and give it to your wife. You can find this questionnaire in several of his books. Offer to take a polygraph for her about anything on the questionnaire if she would like to confirm whether you are telling the truth or not.

2. Let your wife know anything about you that you think she would be upset to know.

3. Let your wife decide if she even wants to stay married to you or not.

4. Get the list of Dr. Harley's extraordinary precautions to avoid an affair from the 2013 edition of his book Surviving an Affair. Begin following those.

5. Let your wife know everything you do all day long, especially every contact you have with any woman, and exactly what kind of contact you have. If you tell a woman "good morning," let your wife know. If you tell a woman she has a nice dress, let your wife know. Let your wife bug your office, computer, phone, etc., so she knows everything.

6. Schedule 15 hours a week, every week, to spend with your wife and children together.

6. Schedule 15+ hours a week, every week, to spend alone with your wife, just the two of you.

7. If you say you can't schedule that time, then give up, because this is not going to work and you are wasting everybody's time including hers.

Now you know how to get started. After you get through those let us know and we'll tell you what to do next.

thank you for the replies. I am working on the Love Busters now as well as planning out the 15 hours of time. My anger is definitely under control. I will update this as I progress. I appreciate the advice.

Please answer this.

Hi, I have withheld activities, specifically my son, that I have enrolled him in and did not get enthusiastic agreement with my wife on signing him up for sports. That's the major thing. Everything else has been lies of omission or passive aggressive behavior, workaholism, self absorption and self centeredness, male chauvinism, and generally being a first class jerk. I also do not have female friends that I talk to on any kind of regular basis. There are no emotional affairs, nothing or anything like that. I go to work, come home, hang out with my family. I don't have extra hobbies or anything like that. I don't go out with the guys, etc. I coach my son's soccer team, that's about it.

However, I have been controlling in many things. And my major love buster of angry outbursts have done a lot of harm to my wife and kids in the past. This is something that I have and am currently getting therapy for, as well as an anger management program.

What are some examples?

like not letting her know in advance when something is coming up for fear of her reaction (passive aggressive). Volunteering for work assignments and telling her at the last minute. Basically I realize its passive aggressive or just being a coward. Its the dishonesty love buster.

What are you going to do stop being dishonest to your DW?

Have you seen this? Rule of Honesty

yes I have seen that. Even last night I found myself telling a stupid white lie. I know that not being honesty has made her feel insecure, anxious, and unsafe. Its really not who I want to be and I know it has hurt her and our marriage tremendously. Honesty is something that I definitely need to focus on.

I've only just started on this and realize there are miles to go. I don't know that I've really done this before (the MB program) with real effort. Its the consistency (including the above) that I need to stick with.

Just wanted to say kudos to you on being honest enough to take inventory of yourself and recognize your own character flaws. A lot of people aren't even honest enough with themselves to get that far.

Having spent most of my time here in the Surviving an Affair forum it's awesome to see a spouse with your kind of honesty rather than someone who decides to take the easier route of lying to themselves and fleeing the marriage.

It sounds like you're a little late to the party in having done this but don't be discouraged. You've planted your feet on honorable ground by embracing humility and you are entering the good fight.

Pride is your enemy and the more you abandon it and embrace the good counsel given here and in the MB program the more your wife will recognize your love for her. If everything you are saying is true, though you feel like you love her, she probably doesn't agree that you love her. You can change that. Be honest with yourself but don't dwell on the past. You only have control over the present, focus on what you can do today/right now to turn this around.

I really needed that thank you!

Yes, my pride and ego are my biggest enemy right now. My wife thinks that I don't have (or lack greatly) empathy. I used to jump up and down thinking she wasn't right then realized that to her based on my behavior and treatment I really don't. I appreciate all the advice. It is still difficult facing the pain that I have caused and trying to short circuit my own pity party and depression about it (again self centered). I will take an hour/day at a time.

Carefully read through the book Love Busters with your wife and fill out the worksheets related to each chapter (Five Steps to Romantic Love.)

Start listening daily to the radio program for a great (free) education in how to start having a great marriage.

I don't understand why you should be having a "pity party." Your love busters are hurting your wife. So instead of focusing on the pain you are causing, focus on eliminating your love busters. Commit to Extraordinary Care for your wife.

Dishonesty is a HUGE love buster for women, whether it's an outright lie or a "lie of omission," which leads to false impressions. So following the elimination of your anger, eliminating dishonesty is extremely important.

Will your wife post here?

It takes practice to stop telling white lies, when you have been doing this as a way of life.
But once you have committed to tell the truth, you will discover, that those lies are almost always unnessecary. Why is it better to say that your bus was late, than that you overslept? People are human and everyone makes mistakes.

You will discover that the world will turn and will keep turning, even if you tell your wife that you have made a bad decision. The death penalty will not be upon you.

Telling the truth will be freeing to you, because you will have nothing to hide and you can live proudly.

If you have the tendency to be self-centered, the policy of joint agreement and other marriage builders principles will take care of that. Following the rules, will force you to take your wife's perspective into account. This will take a bit of practice, but after that it will become effortless and you will use those skills in other parts of your life. So you will be a better person at the end of this process.

that is great advice thank you!

Currently I'm struggling to break through her anger towards me. I know that its justified, I just don't know how to interact with her in a way without her telling me to go somewhere else, or to leave her alone or to sleep on the couch. I know that I have to be patient and not react to her anger. Its not easy. I guess I am taking some of my own medicine.

You've been a member since Nov 15.

In that time there have been four hours of the Marriage Builders Radio show.

How many of them have you listened to?

Have you installed the app?

Welcome to MB

You have never done the MB program...


Collecting books and basically staring at them like they are going to magically help your marriage makes zero sense. What is going to be different this time? If you aren't going to be serious and CONSISTENT with your efforts then don't waste your wife's time and crush her more. That would just be cruel.

Are you still a workaholic?

That is not a step in the plan.

You don't know the plan.