My husband and I had some difficulties and are new to trying the Marriage Builders method. I have read up on it and shared it with my husband, who says he is keen to try it and agrees with what he has read. We discussed the POJA, the 15 hours of Undivided Attention and the Policy of Radical Honesty. My husband was really eager to do it, and I was happy that he was on board.

However, although my husband says that he is wanting to do all these things, he actually is not doing them in practice.

Over the last 3 weeks, he has not once managed to get 15 hours of undivided attention (we have managed 7 hours, 6 hours and 2 hours). When we start talking, he falls asleep.

He is still making decisions (eg about buying things and punishing the children) without my agreement (or even telling me).

Also, he has lied continuously to me about something that happened prior to us agreeing to do the Marriage Builders method (I knew he was lying and kept asking him, but he denied it for months until last weekend).

My first question is how can I change this? How can I get him to start meeting my needs?

I have been responding to him by telling him that I am unhappy. When he still is not doing what he agreed to do, I have found that my default reaction is to nag him and make threats, for example, saying things like I want this marriage to be over and I want him to leave (we have young children so I can't leave). The threats don't work and are not helpful at all. I want to stop doing it.

So my second question is, what is a more positive way for me to respond?

Thanks for taking the time to read, and sorry if these questions are a bit basic.

I would plan your dates out of the house when you are the most energetic. For example, 4-4 hour dates are the best. Sit down every Sunday afternoon and plan out your dates using the UA worksheet. Time that is scheduled is not so easy to put off. What is causing him to fall asleep? Are you having enjoyable conversation on your dates? I would focus on being as pleasant and entertaining as possible in your conversation. Does he enjoy the subjects you discuss?


Thats good that he admitted the truth.


Lesson #1 in the POJA, stop exacting reluctant agreements. People don't avoid doing things they are enthusiastic about. The issue with broken agreements is making them in the first place. And you should never get angry at him when he changes his mind about a previous agreement. The POJA dictates that any one of you can change your minds about a previous agreement.


Stop punishing him for breaking agreements and focus on making agreements that are mutually satisfying.

Hi,

Thank you for replying, you have made some really good points.

We struggle to get any time out of the house (we haven't been out on a date in nearly a year). We have a toddler and a young baby but we don't have any family or friends where we are (we have recently had to move again for my husband's job). I will try discussing things that are more interesting to him, thanks.

I hadn't really considered that he can change his mind once he's made an agreement! Sounds stupid but I was just like "we agreed it, we're doing it". If he has agreed to follow the POJA or spend 15 hour together and then changes his mind (by either falling asleep or doing something without agreement), how can I get us to spend the time together and start meeting one another's needs? I am trying to make it more enjoyable for him by meeting his needs, like sex, but it doesn't seem to be working. I think I must be missing something.

I must admit that I am finding it difficult to make mutually satisfying agreements. He tells me he is in agreement about the POJA and spending time together, so I think at the time it is a mutually satisfying agreement, but then he does something different, so I suppose it can't be...

That is where I would start. Find babysitters/co-ops, etc and get out of the house for 4 dates. UA time spent at home is so lousy it is ineffective. When a couple has grown apart they get distracted very easily when they spend UA at home.


Find a way to make this enjoyable. Of course he is going to fall asleep if he is bored out of his mind and exhausted. That is a sign that your UA time is not being used wisely.


He is in the habit of telling you what you want to hear and doesn't yet understand how critical it is to be enthusiastic about the decision.

I would wager he views the whole exercise of MB as drudgery and sacrifice and it is not at all. A MB marriage is exciting and passionate. The first place to start would be to eliminate love busters and start going out on frequent dates with him. There is nothing more important in your lives..

Thank you for your suggestions and advice I will definitely be trying to do that from now on.

You are very welcome! Many of us have been through the program so feel free to ask as many questions as you need. We will be happy to help you.