Hi everyone. New story here but sounds like everyone elses story line.<BR>I'm very ready and willing to throw in the towel on this marriage of mine. I've been married for eighteen years and it's been a rollercoster. My H and I have five kids. I would like to continue with our marriage for them and for confort, but I've come to a roadblock. I've always felt that my H has been unfaithful and feel he should confess this to me or leave me alone so I can get on with my life. I didn't just decide one day that he was, there were many reasons . The last three years or so he hasn't been-or I haven't felt that he has been unfaithful. I don't think he would stray agian, he's getting older, etc. but I can't get past this need for an apology or confession. <BR>It's not just him being unfaithful thats eating at me, it's the years and years of my questioning him and his lies, of him telling me I'm crazy, of him hiding the truth from me-not giving me the facts I need in order to make a decision for myself about what's best for me. Does this make sense???<P>This feeling that he cheats on me has been there from before we married.I never trusted him and now this thing is so huge that we can't go on. I know I feel no love for him, only pity and resentment. If he really is innocent for all I'm accusing him of then he deserves better than me. But I feel weVe spent years of our marriage, in real time, talking about this.I really feel it's too late. but I would really like one last try-a way to either get past this or get him to confess.<P>I do understand about how men (or women) say-what they don't know won't hurt them? <BR>I night tend to agree with this. Exspecially if the man or woman truly regrets that affair and it was a one time thing. But once your spouse has questioned you about an affair, this no longer applies. When they ask for the truth they deserve the truth, right???<P>any ideas?

Yes you make sense and no you are not crazy! I questioned my h repeatedly, checked behind him, even told him it was okay, if he would just be honest with me. I found lunch receipts he would say I was being paranoid and that he took her to lunch because she lost her job. He lied so long and so good. I finally stopped questioning and I believed everything he said, even took up for him when my best friend would swear he was cheating! He also made me feel like the crazy one or that is somehow my fault I didn't trust him! So you can imagine the shock when his best friend caved in and told me the truth. I would have taken it so much better if he had come clean and just told me and let us try to get on with it. But no he would have kept her until he had the balls to leave or until I got tired and left. That's what hurts! Not the affair, not the sex, not the emotion, the betrayal of my trust that I had so deep for him! I had a rough childhood and don't trust easy. He is my one and only I have ever truly trusted and he blew it. <BR>I can't offer advice to you, but questioning and badgering will not work, I know! Questioning other people will make you look crazy! It will have to come from either you finding concrete proof to take to him, him telling you or someone else telling you, of their own free will, at which it can still be denied. My h tried to downplay the affair, but after friend told me, I beat what he knew out of him! The hurt was unexplainable! <BR>POsitive .. THis happened late Aug and we have been rebuilding for a while now, but so you know I didn't get an apology until Thursday of last week. It took that long for him to see what he had done to me. Before that is my fault, I didn't meet his needs! He has come around and we are okay. But make sure you know what you are going after. Make sure you are ready? Are you unhappy and looking for something to leave him for? I know that is an unfair question, but you didn't put much more than a feeling about whether he was faithful or not. It will take more than a feeling to get him to fess up! <BR>Good luck and be ready for what ever you find. If he is faithful and you push it too hard, you could really ruin your marriage!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Welcome to MarriageBuilders(MB)!<P>It is a place of love and growth... <P>This is a tough one for me (personally) to respond to since my W is in an openly admitted affair... but here goes.<P>If your having serious doubts about your marriage... you should consider counseling. You say you've approached him many times... and he has denied everything... If you can't solve this between each other... don't give up.<P>Starting counseling (especially for your H who may be telling the truth or not) is hard. If he really loves you... and you want to give him a chance to be the husband your needs demand... you've got to open up and convince him this is a good thing. Find a good counselor... there are so many quacks out there... it is a sin. Find one really interested in building your marriage... not one that looks for faults and ponders session after session on those faults.<P>You may consider getting a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" for each of you... and reading (really reading) it with your husband. Check out the other books too... on the MB site.<P>There doesn't seem to be an immediate need to confront H... it sounds like that was already done... and it was not successful. How about building on <B>honesty</B>... yours first... then his. And, approach him with the "facts" you have when both you and he feel secure in each other... in a long lasting relationship!<P>I'll pray for you today...<BR>May God give you some guidance... and more patience.<BR>He already gave you 18+ years together and a blessing of 5 beautiful kids...<BR>Talk to Him... and hear what His will is. <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

I had more than a gut feeling:<BR>- Strange looks from people when me, my H and the OW were together in the same room.<BR>-People telling me I should watch out for their relationship.<BR>-I had an angry H call me one day and ask If my H was fixed-his wife claimed thier baby could be his or my H. <BR>-I went to his place of business and found him there with the woman rumored to be his girlfirend one night-two AM-he claims she drove him there cause he was too drunk to drive home. <BR>- I had people ask me -If your H was cheating on you would you want to know?<BR>-The general concensus with a group of people that know both my H and myself if that I'm religous and won't leave him. That I must know all aobut the other women (three that I've been told about) and it's fine with me.<BR>- The biggest thing was being around my H and the other woman. It was something I could just feel between them. <P>Just want to add that my H is a provider. my role-stay home and raise the kids. Very little family dinners with him together.I have always felt like a single parent-except I don't work.I have great Kids!!! I have tried to keep this from them. I don't want their image of thier father ruined. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Hi Carrie,<P> I say he most certainly cheated and as you say it's not so much the cheating it's the lies and secrets....have you read Private Lies by Frank Pittman?, he describes how the secrets and lies will destroy a marriage. Very good book. How about "Love Must Be Tough " by James Dobson?...I don't think your marriage will improve with all of the deceit that has gone on.....Lu

Thanks for your support. I have read books and gone to conseling alone to try to reason all of this out. I had no one to talk to. I was told by the therapist that he probably does cheat and lie. Many other manipulative behavoirs too.Can be very controlling.<P>I never talked to family members about this. They don't have a clue as to what I've been going through. I ws like I was protecting our relationship from another third party. Living a big lie... I really would have liked to have lived the life they thought I was leading