My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married a little over two months. We have a total of 5 children-3 from my previous marriage, 1 from his previous relationship and 1 together. I have been reading these forums for a couple months now after our pastor during premarital counseling recommended His Needs, Her needs and this is my 1st time posting.

The issue is my husband constantly lies and hides things from me. The major issue being with his ex, my SS's mother. She has been having some money issues apparently. My husband pays child support for my SS and we share custody, one week off, one week on. The 1st issue was she needed extra money to pay for summer camp and asked my husband(then my fiance) for assistance. He never told me about it as he deleted the text messages between them and did not find out until I saw his bank account(I handle the finances) and started asking questions. He admitted to me that he gave her extra money and that she would pay him back. Note I have no issue with paying beyond the amount of child support, I love my SS dearly and do not want him to go without. I asked that we discuss these type of things together before agreeing to loan others money seeing as though we were preparing for our wedding and buying a house.

Roughly 2 months later 3 weeks before our wedding, he got a bit sneakier and started getting cash advances for her(apparently she has burned the cash advance company) and she would go repay the loan on the due date. He met up with her to give her the money and lied about where he was, again deleting the text messages. I found the cash advance paperwork in his car while looking for something. This time the money was not even for my SS it was to take care of childcare for her other child. This time I lost it, I went and stayed at a hotel for a day and told him we would not be getting married because I could not trust him. After several days , I changed my mind having discussed with him how important it was that he discuss these type of things with me and not lie and deceive me. He agreed if she asked again we would make the decision together.

Fast forward to this week and we were using a program to retrieve some pictures from his SD card on his cell phone that he deleted mistakenly. We retrieved the pictures however several text messages between him and her were retrieved as well and you guess she asked for money again, he said no problem. He had deleted the texts again!! I am furious and ready to just walk. I dont understand why he keeps deceiving me over doing her a favor, it just does not sit right with me at all. He is risking his marriage to let her borrow money! I dont get it! I think i am upset also as everytime I ask for money(i.e havent gotten to the ATM,etc), he gives me the 3rd degree asking me what I need it for, how long before I give it back etc. This time he doesnt even know why she(ex) needs the money which pissed me off even more! The trust is broken and I highly suspect there is something shady going on between them and I am ready to walk away. I cannot be with someone I do not trust!!

Welcome to MB.

Do you have spyware on his devices?

Have you read about this? Parallel Parenting

Agree and welcome to MB

Since you have only been married a couple months and have a child with your husband, I am assuming the two of you lived together before marriage? Is his ex, an ex-wife or an ex-gf?

You likely married a freeloader and renter.

I do not have spyware on his devices, however I know how to retrieve deleted messages from his phone. He does not use a computer except for work which I cannot access due to patient confidentiality.

Yes,we lived together for 5 years before getting married in September.

The ex is an ex-girlfriend, they never married and broke up shortly after my SS was born.

Could you share with others how you are able to retrieve his delted texts from his phone without installing spyware?

Thanks

LTL

LTL, my husbands phone automatically saves his messages to his memory card and/or sim card. I am a photographer so I have a program to recover photos which I may have inadvertently deleted. This program wont work if the messages are not saved to the sim card/sd card. The program is called wondershare.

Thanks! It was very informative!

Have you tried to retrieve the deleted messages?

You can put a keylogger on his phone.

Yes, I retrieved the deleted messages. The last two instances. They were all about the money. i.e "Can I borrow XX amount until payday?", "Sure, where do you want to meet?" "At such and such place at xx time". Nothing incriminating that would suggest an affair, however the lying/deceiving/secretiveness is what has me suspicious. And the fact that he really can't be doing all of that just so he can let her borrow money or do her a favor. Especially when I expressed my feelings about the situation.

Yes, I can put a keylogger on his phone for going forward.

Did he want to get married or were you after him to get married?

If he was lying and sneaking before marriage, a wedding was not going to fix that.

I would put the keylogger on his phone.

2.5 years into our relationship after we had our son, I did try to pressure him into marriage. However after a couple of fights, I just let it go and didnt ask about it or discuss it again. About 2.5 years after that he proposed, It was a total shock to me as we hadnt discussed marriage in years.

Hindsight is 20/20, guess I wanted to believe that he would just be honest with me. It seems like a very simple request.

I will be putting a key logger on his phone tonight after we meet with our Pastor.

For now don't tell your husband about MB.

Quietly snoop and come here and let us know what you find out.

I didnt plan on telling him. Unfortunately I was hoping that my thinking was incorrect, that there may not be something going on and that he was just a LIAR since all of the deleted texts were not inappropriate and only about exchanging money. I guess the logger will give me a better idea of what is going on and if he is using apps, emails etc to carry on affair.

Yes it will give you a clear picture of what's going on.

The key logger has been on since Friday and nothing that will indicate an affair, I will continue to monitor however our pastor did point out that he is allowing another woman to meet his needs regarding financial support in our meeting Friday. I make considerably more than my husband and shoulder majority of the financial aspects. I'm always respectful and never throw that I'm the breadwinner in his face, however he admitted she(ex) makes him feel needed financially. It was a big eye opener for me, our pastor also a psychologist stated my husband has extreme passive aggressive behavior in which he does things to me(sticks it to me) because he is angry that he somehow depends on me financially. I no longer feel he is cheating but I still will monitor his devices. This new revelation has definitely threw me for a curveball!

I just wanted to provide an update. I have found no indication that he is cheating. Nothing suspicious on the spyware on his phone and tablet. I placed a VAR in his car and our home office(he works from home) and nothing. We are continuing to have sessions with our Pastor. He(our pastor) has recommended love busters and 5 steps to romantic love workbook(he has done the programs) and we will be starting as soon as they come in the mail. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, we have a long road of ahead of us especially with my husband's extreme passive aggressive behavior and inability to be open and honest about ANYTHING! Thanks again!

Thanks for the update. Glad to read there is no affair. Good luck!

Good.

So how is your UA time? How much are you getting each week?

We are not getting much UA time at all(approximately 1 hour). That has been one of my complaints even before marriage. 3 suggestions from the pastor from our sessions was to remove the T.V from our bedroom so we could at least start communicating more( I know UA should ideally be done outside of the home),going the bed at the same time as well as date nights. It took my husband 4 days to remove the television after he agreed to remove in counseling after some nudging from me. He tends to agree to do something while really not wanting to do it, then drags his feet doing it or doing the total opposite of what he agreed upon instead of just saying "no". We went out on one date last week but he was short with me the entire time. I am willing to do what it takes to make this marriage works but unfortunately until my husband works through his PA issues it is going to be extremely hard. He agreed to work the program but based on the past, I dont know if he agreed to get me off of his back or he truly really wants to make things work.