Hi. I�m new to the forum and need help. I have been married for 44 years. Let me first say that I am a taker to the nth degree. Basic problem is I take my wife for granted all the time. She has told me time and time again. And I change for a while and go right back to the same old story.
I have even seen a counselor for my problem. Again it worked for a while and then boom. This last time was the killer. I have just had lung surgery for cancer and my wife was right by my side. Who do I think of when I get home. Everyone else. She finally had it for good. She says her heart is shut down. Wants nothing to do with me. Doesn�t want a divorce. Says she doesn�t hate me but just doesn�t love me anymore. Everything, everything I have done in the past has been for me. I do love her but just haven�t shown it worth a darn.
Again the big problem, we�ve been through this 4 or 5 times. I just don�t learn. She will not get involved in this forum or counseling because it�s all my fault and there she is correct.
I know I am probably past the point of no return and I don�t blame her one bit. Just wondering if anyone thinks there is a chance for us.
Thank you, pogopam

Welcome to MB.

How much of Dr. Harley's works have you read?

Have you seen this?
Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? (Part 1) Letter #1

Thanks for the advice. Will read it.

How much of Dr. Harley's works have you read?

Welcome to MB.
Where is your wife now? Is she still living with you? If so, how is she putting into practice wanting nothing to do with you? What is she actually doing?

She's not speaking to me. I have to fend for myself, e.g. household chores etc, which I really don't mind. Every time I talk to her she brings up everything I've done in the past which I don't deny doing. I'll admit I had chances but blew them. Should I just give her space at this time??

I haven't really rd te Dr.s books. I was looking for advice and came across this website.

Like I said folks, I do take the blame and I feel so ashamed for what I have done.

I would stop talking and do. What have her complaints been?

We don't have any conversations, I and everyone else comes first, a lot of the things she has suggested in the past I hated and have let her know, I don't show enough affection etc.

I am going to stop talking and give her space. Just say Good morning & Good night

So you aren't willing to do anything? Since conversation and affection are off the table, there is nothing else you can do?

What were her suggestions?

The fact that she is still living with you is good because it gives you the chance to work steadily and systematically on not committing any more love busters and meeting any of her emotional needs that she will allow you to meet.

You need to get the Harley book Love Busters and start reading it immediately. I believe it is downloadable, but someone else will be able to confirm this for me. You also need to read a summary of the Basic Concepts, available under the Articles section of this website. Read and learn the concept of the Love Bank, and learn about the most important emotional needs.

You need to understand the goal of Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme, and understand how the twin approach of meeting your spouse's most important emotional needs and eliminating love busters creates and sustains romantic love in marriage.

However, with a withdrawn spouse (read the article on the 3 states of mind in marriage - withdrawal is one of those) it can be impossible to meet any intimate emotional needs, and with a spouse in that state it is more important, and critical, to eliminate love busters. It takes a long time for your behaviour changes to make an impact on a withdrawn spouse but it will work eventually, as long as she is not in an affair or addicted to a substance.

That is why black_raven's question about her complaints is vital for you to answer. What does she say about your behaviour that upsets her? Please be specific and exhaustive in your reply. Also, I am not asking you to evaluate whether you feel she is justified in her complaint - or at least, I'm not interested in hearing you say that her complaint is unfounded. The point is that her complaints are meaningful to her, and to overcome her withdrawal you need to act on her complaints.

Giving her space could be interpreted by her as shrugging your shoulders and getting on with your own life - in other words, proving her point that you don't listen, don't act and don't care. "Giving her space" is likely to be a disaster in the case of a severely withdrawn wife.

You need to become MORE engaged with meeting her needs, not less so. You posted this as I was posting my longer post above so I know you didn't see it. You need to stop making your own plans ("give her space...just say good morning and good night") and start reading about the plan that we will be advising here on this site - Marriage Builders.

You may be under the impression that this, like most other marriage forums, is a place to gather a range of different opinions which you can use or not use alongside your own instincts, but it isn't. It is a forum that provides support with the practical implementation of Dr Harley's Marriage Builders programme, but to use the programme properly you have to do a lot of reading and learning. Start with the Basic Concepts in the articles section, as I said, and meanwhile download the book. It is critical that you use it. Your consistent love busters have ruined your marriage.

Thank you all for your comments. I will take some time to read and digest the material.
Sugar Cane, like I said her complaints are many, I will try to itemize them. However the main part is we've been over them time and time again and she does not trust me anymore. I will try to answer your questions in time. Please stay with me.

Have you seen this?
A Brief Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

x 2

I want to thank all of you. I will do the reading and start from there.Sugar Cane, I will try to put down everything she said. Again I stress the poiunt that we have been over this a number of times but I fall back into the same rut.
Thanks again, Pogopam

To fix that you will need to start acting trustworthily, and do so for a long period of time. You will need to give her complete transparency and access to anything she wants to find out about your life, the way you spend your time, where you go, how you spend your money, etc.

She doesn't want to talk to me or hear me. She says she wants no affection now. If I suggest anything she gets defensive and wants nothing to do with me.

Her complaints:
No conversation
Not enough affection
I give more to other people
Everything she suggested in the past I disapproved of.
I take her for granted.
I don't give her what she wants emotionally.
After all these years I still don't know what she wants.

I started reading Dr. Harley's precepts and am going to try to put them to work. Like I said when I try to talk to her she justs shuts me off and wants no part of me at this time.

Did you read what I posted previously? I told you to stop talking. Stop asking her things...you know it annoys her. Since she does not want to have conversations with you, you take actions instead. Actions that do not include affection since she is not interested.

Does she have complaints about you not doing things around the house? Is there any undone project that you can complete? Stuff like that.

Are there activities she enjoys like going to a play that you can get tickets for...for her and maybe a gf or one of your children to go with her? You can still do small gestures to show her you care without having a conversation. Brainstorm!!


We get that so stop talking so much. That does not mean ignore her or limit any interaction to "good morning" or "goodnight."

Please give me concrete examples of these two.

What do you "give more" of to other people? What, specifically, do you do? And what things has she asked you to do that you have not done, but you've done something for someone else?

What did she suggest in the past that you disapproved of?

Please give as many examples as you can.

Your approach is really pretty pathetic and weasly. You are going to give her space when your marriage is dying on the vine? That won't impress anyone. Why don't you get off your butt and start doing what she wants you do? If you want to show you care, then go to her with a PLAN to turn this around and fight for your marriage.

I would go to her with a PLAN to make your marriage a happy, loving relationship. FOR YOU BOTH. It sounds like she is in the BAD HABIT of sacrificing which has made this situation much worse. People who sacrifice tend to keep score and when the score is not even, they feel resentment and resort to demands and disrespect to get what they want.

I would also download the Marriage Builders radio app and start listening to it every day so you can learn to lead your marriage out of the ditch.