|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I will e-mail Dr H first thing everyday. Set up as a reminder in my Outlook for the next 10 days ( given the holiday. )
You heard yourself referenced, too, Markos, aka 'responder'. Oh, I missed that, but I'm relistening with my wife right now!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Yes, I understand that. I will drop whatever I am doing to discuss whatever she wants 100% of the time.
Thanks for your accountability, too, Markos
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
mentioned re: "seeking professional help"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Regarding rejecting the word "abusive": * I consider you abusive just as I consider myself when I arrived here abusive. Disrespectful judgments are abusive. * Dr. Harley has an article on this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067d_qa.htmlIf you want to do Marriage Builders, then you need to not debate the term abusive. By Marriage Builders standards, disrespectful judgments are abuse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
And, me too, relistening, as well.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
I generally don't have angry outbursts. Your wife detailed an angry outburst on the radio show today. She pointed out when you were engaging in behavior she finds disrespectful (saying "I'm trying"). This was valuable feedback from her that you need to encourage. Your response was to flip her off with both hands. That's an angry outburst. So I'm going to ask you - can you stop that, totally? If your answer is "no," I'm going to say you really, really need to go through anger management therapy. There is all kinds of anger management information available here on this site. Threads, devices you ought to buy, procedures you need to follow. Yes, I can stop that. I'm not defending it. The answer needs to not be "I generally don't have angry outbursts." Angry outbursts need to be eliminated. Your wife ought to separate from you if you can't stop these, right? Incidentally, I noticed that when Dr. Harley asked if you had any issues with impulse control, you turned things around in your answer to be answering about you and your wife. What's the deal with that? Can you isolate your own faults without having to bring your wife's into it? Yes,it struck a chord with me. Will do.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
More comments:
Don't ever debate your wife. If she says you're not seeking professional help, don't debate her on that point. Don't try to refute her.
When you feel frustrated, don't say or do anything. Because when you are feeling frustration everything you are thinking of saying or doing is going to make your problem worse.
I read a book by an anger management therapist who in counseling one guy simply gave him a card that said "SHUT UP." It's fantastic advice.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I'd encourage you to relisten to this show often. Maybe even daily for awhile.
I suspect that listening to it will make you feel pretty emotional. It will be hard to make yourself do that.
However, by repeatedly listening to those emotional topics, you will eventually dull the emotional reaction. And when you are not getting so emotional, you will hear much more of what Dr. Harley is advising you.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
So, recapping, I am making these commitments
1. Give undivided attention all the time. That will override my predisposition to get annoyed when I'm being complained to. Giving her undivided attention will prove to her she is my no. 1 priority.
2. Send daily e-mail to Dr H on that progress
3. Stop making excuses
4. Don't bring anyone else (ie wife) into the issue made/asked of, me.
5. No angry outbursts
6. Stop doing what's not working; actually do the program.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Add to 1. - make eye contact with JustDaytoDay when she talks to you.
Add to 5. - a time limit to eliminate angry outbursts, and an agreement that if you are unable to eliminate angry outbursts by that time limit, you will agree to seek professional help. Go read the Anger Management 101 threads here. And also Dr. Harley's "How to negotiate when you are an emotional person" article. Do you have the most recent edition of love busters? There is lots more information about angry outbursts in here than in the earlier editions.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Good catches. I am adding them to my plan. My daily, first thing before doing anything reminder list.
Yes, I think I do have the latest edition of Love Busters. I'll hve to check.
And, OK, what's a resonable time limit. 30 days? a week?
Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I would suggest 30 days.
Love Busters was revised in 2002, then again in 2008.
Plan to refine your list over time.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
So, recapping, I am making these commitments
1. Give undivided attention all the time utilizing EYE CONTACT. That will override my predisposition to get annoyed when I'm being complained to. Giving her undivided attention will prove to her she is my no. 1 priority.
2. Send daily e-mail to Dr H on that progress
3. Stop making excuses
4. Don't bring anyone else (ie wife) into the issue made/asked of, me.
5. No angry outbursts. If I can't completely eliminate them within 30 days, I will see additional professional help.
6. Stop doing what's not working; actually do the program.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
I have the 2002 edition. I'll read it as I have it. Major difference in the 2008 edition?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I have the 2002 edition. I'll read it as I have it. Major difference in the 2008 edition? Yes, there's been a lot added about angry outbursts.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
I'll snag a newer copy. Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
I would say that your #6 is not near specific enough.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433 |
I would add to that list "Do not disrespect your wife". It is not good enough that you think you are showing her respect. She needs to feel that you are doing it.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 573 |
Great additional ideas! So, recapping, I am making these commitments
1. Give undivided attention all the time WITH CONSTANT EYE CONTACT. That will override my predisposition annoy her when we're conversing. Giving her undivided attention will prove to her she is my no. 1 priority. She will see it ocver time.
2. Send daily e-mail to Dr H on that progress
3. Stop making excuses
4. Don't bring anyone else (ie wife) into the issue made/asked of, me.
5. No angry outbursts. And, if I cannot elimiate AO within 30 ndays, I will seek additional professional help,
6. Stop doing what's not working; Stop just talking about it, or brutalizing my wife about it; actually do the program.
7. Show her no disrespect, by her definition. To monitor that, I will ask her periodically if she feels I have disrespected her in any way. Thanks
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Remark - how's it going? You disappeared rather quickly.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
542
guests, and
85
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,917
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
