I can imagine how painful it is to her to hear "I try." You've been here two years and "tried," yet no progress has been made. And when she hears "I try," she has no reason whatsoever to feel optimistic that anything is ever going to change.

For all your research, you still talk like you are totally controlled by instincts and habits and emotions - like you must do whatever comes to mind and can't help yourself.

It reminds me of when I said I was "working on" my habit of angry outbursts. I've learned that "working on it" was basically code for "doing nothing." I imagine she feels exactly the same way about "I try."

Your wife is in extreme, excruciating emotional pain, and you have put her there. She is basically in that pain ALL THE TIME. I would bear that in mind each and every time you open your mouth to speak to her. You simply have to think about everything you are going to say before you say it.

When is the last time you said "I try" to her? Can you stop saying it? Will you post here each and every time you say it, so we can try to help hold you accountable? I would build up a list over time of each and every thing you say that she finds disrespectful, and follow this same procedure for each of them. If she will help you build that list, then great - if not, you can still figure it out and build it over time, and we can help if you will let us know each time a conversation goes south.

See - stop being so quick to speak, start being slower to speak and quicker to listen. You will get a lot more value out of our advice - and you can get a lot more value out of what your wife tells you if will do the same with her.

I suspect you do this to her a lot. If she is like my wife she has trouble getting her sentences started, and then if you jump in when she is barely started, she never has the chance to get around to saying what she wants to say.

If you cannot make yourself stop saying "I try" immediately, I would suggest that you get professional help.

Let's see what Dr. Harley says Tuesday. I'm glad to hear you are going to be speaking to him. I'd strongly suggest mentioning this.

Markos,
What do you mean by "professional help"? Do you mean more than Dr Harley and/or whatever MB program (either coaching or accountability) or something else?
Thanks

I mean Dr. Harley and his program. I really do think you need to get to the point where the answer to "Can you stop such and such?" is "YES." It is possible Dr. Harley might refer you to something more specialized (he did for me for anger management), but I wouldn't think so for this.

What I am trying to say is that if you really feel that you cannot stop saying "I try," when you know that it bothers your wife, you need to get a professional involved in helping you break that habit. We need to get you much more skilled and educated in the process of habit formation, because habit formation is what Marriage Builders is all about. It seems that you have done a lot of reading and research, but you need to get some practical experience, ASAP.

I totally agree and that is what I thought you meant. I am looking forward to hearing what Dr H says tomorrow. And, I will honor and do WHATEVER Dr H says.

P.S. I just made it through a conversation without saying "I'm trying".

When asked what I mean when I say "I'm all in", I said I'd do whatever program Dr H suggests of his own (MB) or otherwise.

I think you and I are the same age, right? Am I indicating anything to you that sounds contrary?

Thanks,
Remark

We'll be listening along and will help hold you accountable to it - one of the great things this forum does is help reinforce Dr. Harley's suggestions.


I'm not sure - people tend to make radically different assumptions about my age online. But I would bet anything we are both in a similar profession.

Great - this is progress! Do your utmost to make today the last day you ever said this.

Sorry, I meant same page. We're in agreement, right?

And, thanks for the accountability. That is what I need, I believe.

Yep - that's what we are here for!

Even more so for those who have previously had an affair.

Your wife detailed an angry outburst on the radio show today. She pointed out when you were engaging in behavior she finds disrespectful (saying "I'm trying"). This was valuable feedback from her that you need to encourage. Your response was to flip her off with both hands.

That's an angry outburst.

So I'm going to ask you - can you stop that, totally? If your answer is "no," I'm going to say you really, really need to go through anger management therapy. There is all kinds of anger management information available here on this site. Threads, devices you ought to buy, procedures you need to follow.

The answer needs to not be "I generally don't have angry outbursts." Angry outbursts need to be eliminated. Your wife ought to separate from you if you can't stop these, right?

Incidentally, I noticed that when Dr. Harley asked if you had any issues with impulse control, you turned things around in your answer to be answering about you and your wife. What's the deal with that? Can you isolate your own faults without having to bring your wife's into it?

And as for your response to these things - don't spend a lot of words telling how ashamed you are. I heard you do this several times on the radio show.

Look, a bunch of us have done this kind of stuff. I spent three weeks in a Super 8 motel in 2012 because Prisca wouldn't let me live with her any more if I continued to have angry outbursts.

A bunch of us make the mistake of trying to really verbally emphasize how sorry we are. Unfortunately that usually covers up for not actually doing anything. So don't post a bunch about how ashamed or sorry you are - let's talk about following the program to end this kind of stuff.

Friends and enemies of good conversation:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
And also His Needs, Her Needs, 2010 edition, chapter 4, intimate conversation:

Okay, Dr. Harley would like an email from you every day reporting on your attempts to give her undivided attention. We're going to hold you to that.

BTW, don't try to educate your wife - it's disrespectful. Don't even try to educate her about Marriage Builders. Remember, you need to avoid love bank withdrawals at all costs.

Stick to:
"I'd like it if you ..." (she can say no)
or:
"It bothers me when you ..." (follow this up quickly by moving to another subject so it's clear that you aren't demanding she do something about it)

I will e-mail Dr H first thing everyday. Set up as a reminder in my Outlook for the next 10 days ( given the holiday. )
You heard yourself referenced, too, Markos, aka 'responder'.