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Prisca, if you spent half as much time on my thread being specific about the behaviors of mine you take issue with, as you do complaining about my behaviors in general, I would know what it is you're talking about. "Stop lovebusting your husband" doesn't tell me anything, especially when I barely interact with him and haven't been on the forum in a month. To be honest, I actually asked the moderators to have you blocked from posting on my thread (but they don't do that apparently unless you're breaking the rules) because your posts to me have traditionally been very snipey. I'm willing to listen. But when I ask you a question and you tell me to go figure it out, it's incredibly unhelpful.
I can't imagine why you would spend so much time on my thread if you're not trying to be helpful. Talking generically or telling me to figure it out is not being helpful.
So why then? Do you think its helpful to come on the forum and brawl with posters who are trying to help you? This makes me question your judgment about what is helpful and what is not. I don't see how brawling with posters is helpful in the least.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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JDD, your lovebusters have been pointed out to you in the past.
However, there comes a point when it is important for you to practice finding the disrespect in yourself. We all had to do it. You didn't even need to get it perfect -- you just needed to try. I have already explained this to you.
You were given an assignment. You didn't even try to complete it.
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What is your issue? It is possible for you to do both, to slap me around for my behavior AND advise Remark in a manner that is consistent with Steve's instruction. Why is that a problem for you? We are not going to discuss how we talk to Remark with you. We don't do that with any other couple, and we're not going to make an exception with you. What we will discuss with you is your behavior, and how YOU are failing to follow the program. Day- Steve and the forum are complimentary they are not the same. I have had an identical experience as you. In situations like ours Steve focuses on the husband's actions. Steve may not have mentioned your lovebusters (he has never addressed mine, either) but do you really think that means you don't have to eliminate them? Eliminating lovebusters is fundamental to Marriage Builders. It isn't the forum's job to force Remark to follow Steve's advice. I've been in your shoes and I have felt your desperation. If you come to the forum to get help you will be held accountable for your behavior . If you aren't open to that, don't post. If Remark won't continue with Steve or won't do the work you can separate from him. You can also speak to Steve about your situation on your own, without Remark's involvement. I do see where the forum's advice contradicts Steve's advice completely (based on what he told me over multiple sessions) but they are right that Steve hasn't and would never suggest that it is okay for you to Love Bust Remark. I didn't say that he did say that. My complaint is that Remark hasn't done what he was assigned to do, which didn't require my involvement, and the seemingly "poor Remark" attitude towards him on his and my threads in spite of that fact. Stating that "he can't go any further until (I) join him" is bull. The whole point of the exercise was for him to prove that he can behave differently than he has done for the last 21 years. He didn't do the exercise. Why in the world would I be compelled to join him? I've been there with him already and it wasn't fun the first time around. THE EXERCISE WAS CRITICALLY IMPORTANT TO ME. It literally is the hill I'm willing to die on, because without it, I have no reason for hope for the future.
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You have been scolding Markos and Prisca for 2 days now for "contradicting" Steve Harley. Explain HOW. I know you aren't addressing me, ML and I respect you very much but I'm compelled to answer this. Markos and Prisca have implied that Remark's failure to follow the program and show extraordinary care are due in part to Day's lovebusting and refusal to engage in enjoyable UA time. That directly contradicts what Steve says about husbands who fail to provide extraordinary care. Even Dr. Harley's articles and books contradict that. Lovebusters are abusive and destroy love but husbands can be in love with their wives and still fail to show extraordinary care. He has emphasized that with me in over twenty sessions. My husbands lack of extraordinary care is not due to something I am or am not doing. I still get homework and assignments, obviously. I'm sure Steve tailors his advice but in this situation Markos and Priscia have contradicted Steve when they say Day's behavior is the *reason* for Remark's failure to do his part. Steve DOES advise husbands to do all the heavy lifting for a while. That is what he advised in our case.
Last edited by coffeegirl; 09/02/15 10:58 PM.
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JDD, your lovebusters have been pointed out to you in the past.
However, there comes a point when it is important for you to practice finding the disrespect in yourself. We all had to do it. You didn't even need to get it perfect -- you just needed to try. I have already explained this to you.
You were given an assignment. You didn't even try to complete it. Disrespectful judgment. Of course I tried. I tried like hell. I tried like hell to avoid doing them or posting something in the first place, and reviewed my posts again afterwards. Not being successful doesn't mean I didn't try. And yes, you have already explained it to me. Still not helpful. I think maybe you and Marcos are too far down the success path to remember what it's like to be in the trenches.
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Do you think its helpful to come on the forum and brawl with posters who are trying to help you? This makes me question your judgment about what is helpful and what is not. I don't see how brawling with posters is helpful in the least. I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm the one needing help and I'm being brawled with. I get it, everyone is here voluntarily, but that includes me. It seems reasonable to me that if I say "that isn't helpful, could you explain," the other person can either opt to be helpful and explain, or opt out altogether. "Bullying" and belittling and making accusations that I didn't even try ..... is that helpful by anyone's definition?
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JDD, your lovebusters have been pointed out to you in the past.
However, there comes a point when it is important for you to practice finding the disrespect in yourself. We all had to do it. You didn't even need to get it perfect -- you just needed to try. I have already explained this to you.
You were given an assignment. You didn't even try to complete it. Disrespectful judgment. Of course I tried. I tried like hell. I tried like hell to avoid doing them or posting something in the first place, and reviewed my posts again afterwards. Not being successful doesn't mean I didn't try. And yes, you have already explained it to me. Still not helpful. I think maybe you and Marcos are too far down the success path to remember what it's like to be in the trenches. And Markos, at some point, began to do the heavy lifting *despite his wife's lack of participation* which is what makes him such an incredible resource to the husbands who post here! In my case abd Day's case, Steve is counseling husbands to do some heavy lifting. Steve is counseling husbands to do exactly what Markos did so successfully. He led the way. Priscia did the hard work she needed to do but not before Markos stepped up.
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I know you aren't addressing me, ML and I respect you very much but I'm compelled to answer this. Markos and Prisca have implied that Remark's failure to follow the program and show extraordinary care are due in part to Day's lovebusting and refusal to engage in enjoyable UA time. Sorry for the confusion - it has not been our attempt to imply that at all.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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[I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm the one needing help and I'm being brawled with. My point is that you are not helping YOURSELF.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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JDD, your lovebusters have been pointed out to you in the past.
However, there comes a point when it is important for you to practice finding the disrespect in yourself. We all had to do it. You didn't even need to get it perfect -- you just needed to try. I have already explained this to you.
You were given an assignment. You didn't even try to complete it. Disrespectful judgment. Of course I tried. I tried like hell. I tried like hell to avoid doing them or posting something in the first place, and reviewed my posts again afterwards. Not being successful doesn't mean I didn't try. And yes, you have already explained it to me. Still not helpful. You did not make one attempt to find and list your lovebusters. You argued and you fought. You were given an assignment, and refused more than once to even try. I think maybe you and Marcos are too far down the success path to remember what it's like to be in the trenches. I remember all too well  Which is why I'm here, day in and day out.
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Please advise this poster using Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting.
ToujoursMB@gmail.com
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You did not make one attempt to find and list your lovebusters. You argued and you fought.
You were given an assignment, and refused more than once to even try. More accusations and belittling. I did try. I didn't list any because I didn't find any. I "refused to even try???" What are you talking about?
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You did not make one attempt to find and list your lovebusters. You argued and you fought.
You were given an assignment, and refused more than once to even try. More accusations and belittling. I did try. I didn't list any because I didn't find any. I "refused to even try???" What are you talking about? You argued. You fought. And you did not make a list (even though posters had already pointed out to you how you had been disrespectful -- that could have been an easy one).
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All you did then, and all you are doing now, is argue that you didn't have to do it.
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This thread has become a distraction from our mission. It is now locked!
MBDenali@gmail.com
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