I have been out of the forum for a bit since I couldn't remember my password for the longest time lol. I caught my husband in a lie about a year and a half ago when I saw he had been texting a woman that he was at a conference with for work. She started texting him almost immediately when he arrived at his destination. This continued throughout the evening. They both claim it was about a sale one of my husbands salesmen was working on. Then she called him around 11pm and they met with two others from the conference for drinks. He walked her to her room from a bar and they kissed. He said they broke off the kiss and he left for his room. We went to a counselor and the counselor accepted my husband's version and told us what we could do to work on our relationship... not travel alone and work on whatever issues left an opening for someone else to come into our relationship. My husband has not traveled since for work without me nor is he going to. He has stopped attending the two conferences per year that this person would likely be at. When his company was hosting a show that this woman's company attended last summer he asked her boss to tell her that he and I did not want her to attend and she did not. On a couple occasions when she has been to visit his company's office, he has been out of the office...and worked from home here with me. He suggested to her boss it would be a good idea for another rep to be assigned to his territory and she hasn't visited the office since that time. I have looked at a visitor log book in his company entry to verify. I did have a counseling session some months back with Steve Harley who suggested that a polygraph might help me accept my husbands version of what happened during that trip. Unfortunately the results of the test were deception indicated. My husband sticks to his story that he did not have sex oral, anal or intercourse with her. WIthin a couple months after the incident, I confronted her over the phone and she verified his account of what happened. She said she was sorry it happened and that she loved her husband very much. She said she and my husband did kiss. She told me that he initiated the kiss first but that he was very very drunk. She also told me she would not have slept with him as she has been cheated on and she would not do this to someone else. . I just wonder how YOU ALL go on never really knowing what happened. My husband says he failed his polygraph because he knew in his heart that what he did do...kissed her (french) was biblically wrong. Adding to my uncertainty, one of the law enforcement persons I asked for some names of local polygraph experts cautioned me when getting the polygraph about the margin of error. He said he believed two things: no one should go to jail because of a failed polygraph and no ones marriage should end because of a failed polygraph. When asking Steve about the polygraph he said they are pretty accurate. Harley Senior in an audio clip stored somewhere on this site when questioned about wether they are accurate says "not really"... I would like to believe that since my husband went to take the polygraph and did not come clean before hand when he could have that he is telling the truth and just did not pass the polygraph. Does anyone have any advice as how to really feel like you know everything you need to know so you can move on.... Thanks in advance for any tips or suggestions you can give! Happy Thanksgiving.

Welcome back

Did you expose to the BH?

Do you mind posting what the poly questions were?

Yes... I did expose to him. I also exposed to our very best friends all of whom we have a small group bible study as well as other couples who we are close to and share advice with. The question on the polygraph was only other than your wife... have you ever had physical sexual contact with another. That is what she kept repeating. No other questions.

Well, kissing IS physical sexual contact, though. Isn't that why he flunked it? Or was there another definition given?

I would ask him to take another polygraph. Get a former FBI or police detective; they are usually the best. Law enforcement across the nation uses polygraphs and they don't use them because they think they are inaccurate.

If Kissing is sexual contact...then I suppose that is why he failed it. I believe that sexual contact was defined as skin on skin contact which I suspect would include tongue to tongue kissing. I don't know what another poly would do for me unless they became way more specific in their questions which I do not believe they do... The law enforcement person I spoke to from our local BCA said that if they ask specific questions like did you have sexual intercourse or oral sex etc it nullifies the test? Anyone else hear that?

I have never heard that and we have had hundreds go through polygraphs over the years. This is why I would suggest using someone else. Also, if he passed TWO tests, you might be able to relax and put this behind you.

I agree with MelodyLane that another poly may help to ease your mind.

My question for you is that there seems to be alot of opportunity for the OW to see you run into your H. Have you thought about moving?

What did OW's BH say to you when you exposed the affair to him?

I appreciate the suggestions but I doubt that I will pursue another poly. It was enlightening for me to hear a video clip of Dr. Harley Sr. say they really are not reliable but that they are best suited to get someone to confess before the actual test. I think my personality type is such that I could get 100 tests and I still probably would not believe the outcome. Sadly, I think that may ultimately be the demise of my marriage. As for moving... it isn't really a solution in this case. The person my husband had a fling with or didn't have a fling with... lives in another state. The problem arises when she attends a convention that he also attends. He had told me he will no longer attend any of these conventions. He has opted out of the past two. Also, she or someone from her company should be visiting his office quarterly but she has not since he talked to her boss and asked that she no. I think he will be assigned another rep at some point. So moving is not really a solution to our issue.

LOLO,

Another method for a poly is to write down a comprehensive list of question, and have WH write down the answers.

The polygraph question is did you answer the questions honestly with a few control questions.

***EDIT***

Perhaps suggest to the OWH that he gets a poly for the OW, as this would be supplementary evidence.

God Bless
Gamma