His actions should be telling you where his weak spot is. He is moving out so that if you do expose him at work he can say 'we are separated'. He is offering an NC letter to prevent exposure. His actions are telling you workplace exposure is what he fears the most.

Why? He can get another job. It's just a job. With his marriage on the rocks and shame awaiting him at this one (because you foolishly threatened exposure before doing it) you would think he would be RUNNING to another job. A sane person would.

Not him. He's wayward. The job is where the affair is! He can get another job but he can't get another job where can indulge in his affair all day. He is addicted to that level of indulgence and break with reality and it WILL get him fired and unable to get another job.

He. Does. Not. Care. Not about the looming joblessness or doomed prospects. Not if he gets a few more weeks of affair-job. If he cared he would be job hunting and making sure you knew his every move and working on the marriage instead of moving out.

The main problem here is it's impossible to take you seriously. You're not much of a deterrent against the siren call of an affair.

The minute you threatened him with exposure you should have just held up a big sign saying 'I'm not going to go through with it - do whatever you want - your paycheck is more important to me than you are'.

People who threaten rarely act on their threats. People who mean business just get on with it and do it. He knows you are bluffing and doesn't think much of you for it.

That's why Dr H says exposure actually withdraws fewer love bank deposits than threats and fights and arguments.

Plus exposure is effective while those other things are not.

Well, you all were right. He moved out two weeks ago and contacted her again a week after he left.

Sorry that we were right.

So did you expose at work?

I know it is horrible.

You cannot control his actions, only yours. We have given you all the MB advice so all that remains is to ask: what are you willing to do about this?

Exposure is chapter one, line one. If you don't start there the other ingredients don't add up.

I didn't expose to his work. I was too scared.

I also didn't write a plan b letter.

Basically, I thought he was going to come to his senses and I didn't listen to you guys. Is it too late?

Ohmygoodness. I called his superior. I thought I would be able to ask what the policy is regarding this situation, then decide whether to follow through with exposing but the man said that since I had called he would have to investigate and I could either tell him who it is or h could investigate everyone until he found out who it is. I just exposed to his chain of command accidentally. I am going to be sick.

You are doing the right thing, but I would follow the instructions in the Exposure thread and do a COMPLETE exposure! I know its scary, we all have been there.

Exposure is the most important step and a marriage will not recover without it nor most affairs die because of it.

It is not too late. I didn't find MB until 2 months into my husband's affair so exposure didn't happen until then. Did it help? You betcha!

*changed to and (stupid phone!)

Did you tell him the name of OW?

Did you ever expose to her parents?

You need to sit down and complete exposure.

Will you do this?

Expose far and wide. Believe me, you will regret it if you don't. You will not regret exposing the affair. No one does after they've done it. Follow the advice you receive here, or you'll kick yourself later. I did everything but cheaterville, and now I regret not doing cheaterville.

When you expose, be prepared for the repercussions following that. Some people are unprepared with what comes next. Be strong and build up your support base.

As mrbond said, waywards can and do throw temper tantrums much like a 4 year old losing their favorite toy. Or a heroin addict during an intervention. They will make you feel guilty for exposing. Just keep calm and say that you are doing what you have to do to "save our marriage".

The angrier they are, the more successful you know the effect exposure had. Do not get pulled into it and try to defend yourself. Do not feel that you need to explain. His foggy brain won't understand it right now and will just twist things around on you.

But it needs to be done. As soon as possible.

Re-read Exposure 101 so you are prepared and complete all of the steps.

You can do this.

I never mailed the letter to her parents, but I'm on my way to the post office to do that now. I exposed to our families and close friends, except his few (3?) work friends that I know he is friends with and I know how to contact. Yes I am willing to do that.

His boss called me back. He has talked to his commander and opened an investigation. They want me to come in and give them the phone records that show thousands of calls and texts between the two of them over the course of the last several months, and they want me to give a statement that he admitted the A to me. The investigation goes on whether I give them the proof or not, but I think they will just lie and get away with it and be very bold after if I don't go the whole way with this.

What repercussions should I expect? I know he's going to be very, very angry. I am changing the locks on the house today. I should probably withdraw some money from our bank account. What else? And I need to give him a plan b letter, right?

The repercussions are that he will be angry, but you already knew this. I would change the locks and move half of your money to a private account.

The Plan B letter can wait until later this weekend.


You are correct, if you do this halfway, they will get away with it and he will just come after you with more venom. You need to go all the way and get some value from your efforts. Do this halfway and he will tear you up. Go all the way and you have a chance at destroying their affair. You have an uzi in your hands and you need to use that instead of the pea shooter you have been using.

Be strong and don't back down!!

First things FIRST. Go down and give them all the evidence. Ask them to give you a couple of hours before they confront them to give you time to get the locks changed.

Will they see you today?

They won't see me today. I have an appointment with his immediate supervisor and the head of the precinct on Monday morning. They said they will not talk to him until after they talk to me, but he has access to the phone records too and he may see the call before then.

When I found d out that he was with her again (still?) I feel like something clicked into focus for me. He is divorcing me. I cannot make this worse.

I had the same realization. Don't be afraid. You can do it. This is your best shot.