Hello all,

About a year ago, my mom found some evidence at home that my dad may be having an affair. FYI, I'm the son (I'm 32) and my mom and dad are 52. Although my mom has told my dad he she know's he's cheating, she hasn't showed her the evidence, probably out of fear. He can get violent at times. Of course he denies any infidelity. For evidence, we have a bank receipt with a co-worker's name on it, and a beanie with hairs inside (both found inside their home), which we can do DNA sampling if needed for proof. Here's the real problem: My mom is financially dependent on my dad. Mom barely speaks English, so can't get a "good paying" job, and has been a stay at home mom for decades. I told my mom that I would meet with dad and have a serious talk and bring up the allegations AND evidence. However, I also fear for myself given his semi-violent nature when upset. Discussing at home makes me a bit fearful given we're in an enclosed space with kitchen knives and such close by. I've thought about a public place, but no one really needs to hear our conversation. So I'm stuck here on how to bring it up, and where, for the sake of my own and mother's safety. My dad has other problems (alcoholism), so I'm leaning towards a divorce for them, though I don't really know what will happen. Their house can always be sold and mom can move in with me, but I need to take that first step to show some evidence to my dad, but am unsure how to proceed. Any help is appreciated, and I'll gladly supply more details if needed.

Hi freeradicals, welcome to Marriage Builders. You sound like a wonderful son to your mother. The first thing I would do is spy on him and get some solid evidence of an affair.

Has he ever hit your mother?

Thank you for the welcome. I don't know how to go about that. The thing is, he lost his job, so he's sitting at home with mom, or they are both out together. About hitting, more like pushing, but not often. He's more of an object thrower towards home items or walls.

Welcome free radicals to MB. So sorry you have to go through this. I know you are going through hell and probably a bit in shock. My son is your age. After I decided to leave my husband due to his affair (and his refusal to end the affair), my kids and I have decided to never speak to him again. My son had a wonderful relationship with my Husband, but now, my Husband is dead to him.
My point is to determine where your mom stands. If she senses your dad is having an affair, he probably is. Intuition is usually right on. If he is having an affair, will she want to save the marriage? Will your dad want to end the affair? Your mom really needs to be the one to find out. You or your mom can follow him, or go through his cell phone (and computer) when he is asleep. If she is too afraid to get caught, she needs to hire a private investigator. I don't think it should be too expensive since the PI may only need a day or two. Get a few consultations from some PI's in your area. I feel pretty confident your dad will not admit to anything without the proof. How is your mom holding up? Do you have any siblings?

Do you think the affair is ongoing now? How does he communicate with this person?

The more pressing problem is that he pushes her and throws things. That means he is not a safe person. Especially since he is a practicing alcoholic. Dr. Harley would tell her to separate from him. Can she come live with you?

I would strongly suggest you write Dr. Harley at his radio show and let him advise you and your mother. She is in a terrible position and really needs his help. [it is free] If you send him an email, he will get ahold of you http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

It sounds like your mom has been walking on egg shells for a long time. If she leaves him, this may be the wake up call your dad needs.

Thank you. I submitted a modified version of my original post above just now! I don't think it's going on now. However, dad used to work with her, so I don't know if something went on after work (for example, when he said he needed to stay later because it was busy). There was no unexplained absences. He was always gone to and from work...that's it. That was when they had two cars. He got a DUI and crashed his car a year ago. So my mom has been driving him back and forth to work up until he lost his job three months ago. So I doubt it's happening now...more like when they had the two cars. She can live with me, though I live in a small studio. Or she can go to grandmas which is a lot bigger. The question is how she will support herself. I suppose she'll get alimony when dad gets a job. But that's further down the line.

My mom has held up for about a year. When they're happy, they're happy. But episodes of accuse of cheating come up from my mom once in a while, which brings up a dispute. I think it's a "fake" happy on my mom's side. She doesn't want to face the consequences it seems. She can't just put this aside, so it gets to her sometimes. I have one brother living in Mexico.

It sounds like it's best for your mom to live with your grandma. Is that her mother? She needs to get evidence of the affair because your dad will most probably deny it. Sometimes the consequences seem overwhelming, but it may be in her best interests to leave. She has you, your grandma and hopefully a friend she can talk to.
I think you are a remarkable young man, the way you are supporting your mom in such a mature practical way.

What about phone records? Can you check his phone? Is he doing anything about his alcoholism or anger? In any kind of program?

I'm glad you wrote Dr. Harley. Let us know when you hear back.

Yes she is.


From my knowledge no phone records. My mom and dad often exchange cell phones and you can bet she's looking through the records. Unfortunately he's hasn't been able to do much about his issues because his work is rotating, so it's been hard to get approval to get a set time/day off during daytime hours. Since he's not working now, theoretically he can, but they used up their savings between the time he lost his job and started getting unemployment. They're barely getting by right now.

Actually I just looked into A.A. meetings and they're free. So that's an option for the alcohol problem. However, the bigger problem right know for my mom is the possible infidelity, so I need to address that first.

fr, the biggest problem for your mom is his abuse of her. He is not a safe person for her. And asking about the affair puts her in greater danger. I predict Dr Harley will tell you that the problems need to be solved in this order:

1. physical abuse - getting her to safety

2. his alcoholism

3. the affair

Her physical safety is of the utmost importance and continually asking him about an affair [that he is very unlikely to confess] just puts her in greater danger of being harmed. Your dad has no control over his anger and as such, is a very dangerous person.

Your dad is most likely depressed over the job and is vulnerable to the alcohol and possible abuse (verbal, emotional, physical). It's all bad for your mom....even just verbal is degrading. Getting her out of his world may be enough to wake him up. He needs a reality check.

That would be useless even if he weren't physically violent.

Nope, that's useless. He already knows he's having an affair, so he doesn't need any evidence.

Move your mom in with you immediately or better yet to a safe place where he doesn't even know where she is. Help her get an attorney and file for divorce or separation.

IF your dad decides to get treatment for alcoholism, and take anger management, and end his affair, then your mother can cancel the divorce proceedings, if she wants.

Read about Plan B on this site and help your mother achieve one. The absolute best thing for her is to have no contact with him and build a happy life without him, unless and until he eliminates all use of alcohol, all angry outbursts, and all contact with his affair partner, and agrees to give your mother full transparency into his life and engage in a program of marital recovery with her.

There is no sense for any of you to argue with him.

Hopefully the rest of the family can help take care of her until she can take care of herself. Meanwhile, if he wants to keep his marriage, he needs to learn how to support himself and her.

I will let you know when I hear back from Dr. Harley. In the meantime, I'm still seeking suggestions on my original post- how to confront my dad in a *safe* manner to discuss allegations of an affair and show him the evidence that we have. I'm willing to do it at their home, but I wouldn't feel 100% safe. I'll do it if it's the only option.

Thanks for all your suggestions.

I would not confront him at all. It wouldn't accomplish anything even if he weren't dangerous. There's no point to showing him evidence of his affair - he already knows he is having an affair.

So showing any evidence that we have collected, to push him to confess, isn't the priority right now? I think that's what I'm understanding. We have hair samples from a hat found in the house that doesn't belong to any of us, if that counts for anything.

So getting my mom to a safe place- she can:

1. Move in with me, but my dad knows where I live (I don't know how dad will respond to this- either ways, I'd be fearful of him losing his mind and trying to start something).

2. Move in with her mom, but he knows where she lives too

3. Move to Mexico with my brother, but that would cause issues with communication if needed for divorce filings, transportation, etc.

4. Move one state away to California (4 hour drive) where we have more family members that might help out with shelter.

5. Moving on her own isn't really an option, as she can't
financially support herself, and I can't help her out given my expenses.