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Your dad is most likely depressed over the job and is vulnerable to the alcohol and possible abuse (verbal, emotional, physical). It's all bad for your mom....even just verbal is degrading. Getting her out of his world may be enough to wake him up. He needs a reality check. My mom is more depressed about that than him. He's too optimistic and plays down the severity of issues. On the other hand, mom manages their finances and saved up for an emergency fund, which is pretty much gone because of dad's job loss. If it weren't for my mom, dad would be on the streets because he doesn't know how to balance saving and spending.
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Nope, that's useless. He already knows he's having an affair, so he doesn't need any evidence.
Move your mom in with you immediately or better yet to a safe place where he doesn't even know where she is. Help her get an attorney and file for divorce or separation.
IF your dad decides to get treatment for alcoholism, and take anger management, and end his affair, then your mother can cancel the divorce proceedings, if she wants.
Read about Plan B on this site and help your mother achieve one. The absolute best thing for her is to have no contact with him and build a happy life without him, unless and until he eliminates all use of alcohol, all angry outbursts, and all contact with his affair partner, and agrees to give your mother full transparency into his life and engage in a program of marital recovery with her.
There is no sense for any of you to argue with him. fr, the biggest problem for your mom is his abuse of her. He is not a safe person for her. And asking about the affair puts her in greater danger. I predict Dr Harley will tell you that the problems need to be solved in this order:
1. physical abuse - getting her to safety
2. his alcoholism
3. the affair
Her physical safety is of the utmost importance and continually asking him about an affair [that he is very unlikely to confess] just puts her in greater danger of being harmed. Your dad has no control over his anger and as such, is a very dangerous person. So showing any evidence that we have collected, to push him to confess, isn't the priority right now? I think that's what I'm understanding. We have hair samples from a hat found in the house that doesn't belong to any of us, if that counts for anything. So getting my mom to a safe place- she can: 1. Move in with me, but my dad knows where I live (I don't know how dad will respond to this- either ways, I'd be fearful of him losing his mind and trying to start something). 2. Move in with her mom, but he knows where she lives too 3. Move to Mexico with my brother, but that would cause issues with communication if needed for divorce filings, transportation, etc. 4. Move one state away to California (4 hour drive) where we have more family members that might help out with shelter. 5. Moving on her own isn't really an option, as she can't financially support herself, and I can't help her out given my expenses. Yes, there is no need to press him to confess. You all know he is having an affair now, so there is no need for him to confess. Have you read about Plan B yet? There is a wealth of helpful information on this site. I would move your mother in with you for now, but I would get her legal assistance as soon as possible. If your father attempts to do anything against any member of the family, a lawyer should get a restraining order just as soon as possible. After she is out you can look into more longer term options.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So showing any evidence that we have collected, to push him to confess, isn't the priority right now? I think that's what I'm understanding. We have hair samples from a hat found in the house that doesn't belong to any of us, if that counts for anything. He will just deny it and punish your mother for suspecting him. What you have is not evidence of an affair. He already knows if he has or hasn't had an affair. And he is unlikely to confess. It will just infuriate him and cause him to harm your mother. So getting my mom to a safe place- she can:
1. Move in with me, but my dad knows where I live (I don't know how dad will respond to this- either ways, I'd be fearful of him losing his mind and trying to start something).
2. Move in with her mom, but he knows where she lives too But he cannot harm her if she is somewhere else. If he tries to do so, you can call the police.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2014
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Yes, there is no need to press him to confess. You all know he is having an affair now, so there is no need for him to confess.
Have you read about Plan B yet? There is a wealth of helpful information on this site.
I would move your mother in with you for now, but I would get her legal assistance as soon as possible. If your father attempts to do anything against any member of the family, a lawyer should get a restraining order just as soon as possible. After she is out you can look into more longer term options. Well, we don't know *for sure* if there's an affair. Like I said, my mom found a couple of questionable items in the home, but that doesn't guarantee an affair. This is why I feel I need to find out for sure by confronting. I have skimmed through both Plans, but I will read them in more detail. Also, what kind of legal assistance would I need in this situation?
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Yes, there is no need to press him to confess. You all know he is having an affair now, so there is no need for him to confess.
Have you read about Plan B yet? There is a wealth of helpful information on this site.
I would move your mother in with you for now, but I would get her legal assistance as soon as possible. If your father attempts to do anything against any member of the family, a lawyer should get a restraining order just as soon as possible. After she is out you can look into more longer term options. Well, we don't know *for sure* if there's an affair. Like I said, my mom found a couple of questionable items in the home, but that doesn't guarantee an affair. This is why I feel I need to find out for sure by confronting. First off, as MelodyLane said, you need to be focusing on a lot more than the affair. His alcoholism and physical abuse have to be solved before there can even be anything done about an affair. No, confronting is not a way of finding out if there is an affair. All it does is let the wayward spouse know you are on to them. I would say it is all a moot point - get her out of there. I have skimmed through both Plans, but I will read them in more detail. Also, what kind of legal assistance would I need in this situation? A lawyer who can file for divorce, separation, spousal support, and/or restraining orders as needed.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Got it. Thank you for the update. I will let mom know of the plan. Most likely I'll have her live with me and see if she rather eventually move to her mom's. I live in a tiny studio. She'll go crazy here.
There's another separate issue though that may complicate this plan: my brother in Mexico suffers from depression/suicidal tendencies, and so my parents visit him once every few months (6 hour drive) because a psychiatrist warned that he needs to be with his parents as much as possible. They have talked about going very soon again. He does have some family support in Mexico, but it's not the same as having your parent's support. Any insight on what to do here is appreciated.
Last edited by free_radicals; 11/30/14 10:23 PM.
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They are married, so it is just as much her car as his. She earned it through her years as his wife and as a mother just as much as he earned it by having a career. Not to mention by having to deal with his alcoholism and abuse.
This is why she needs a lawyer, to make sure she receives at least half of the marital property.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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They are married, so it is just as much her car as his. She earned it through her years as his wife and as a mother just as much as he earned it by having a career. Not to mention by having to deal with his alcoholism and abuse.
This is why she needs a lawyer, to make sure she receives at least half of the marital property. We were posting at once (I was editing my original while you responded). Please re-read the post with the new info.
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There's another separate issue though that may complicate this plan: my brother in Mexico suffers from depression/suicidal tendencies, and so my parents visit him once every few months (6 hour drive) because a psychiatrist warned that he needs to be with his parents as much as possible. They have talked about going very soon again. He does have some family support in Mexico, but it's not the same as having your parent's support. Any insight on what to do here is appreciated. How old is your brother? I am pretty sure that Dr. Harley, who is a clinical psychologist, would not argue that contact with an alcoholic father that abuses his wife is helpful for your brother. Getting your mother healthy may be the best thing possible for your brother.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What does your brother do in Mexico? How old is he? He needs to be with his family if he has depression. Is he on anti-depressants? Is he in any kind of therapy?
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My brother is 31. He's there because he got deported due to statutory rape here in the U.S. That was when he was 19. I'm already in the process of trying to bring him back by seeking legal assistance, working with the courts, etc. From what the lawyer said, it's a tough case, and will likely take decades for him to return, IF he can. He's not doing much right now. He wants to go to school there, that's his priority. He's not working, but job hunting from what I heard. My parents pay for his shelter, food, but schooling is too much for my parents to afford, so he can't right now. He was working AND going to school at one point, but it was too much, and he tried to commit suicide twice.
He is going to a psychologist, and he was administered meds, but I don't know if they're anti-depressants.
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The best thing you can do for your brother right now is to skype with him daily and have your mom do the same. He probably needs to have a connection with family every day until he gets his life together....and he will. He just needs some positive things to happen such as getting a job, a girlfriend, friends, etc. Find out if he is on antidepressants.
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Here's your show. Radio Clip of free_radicals' question How are things going?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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