My wife and I have been married for eight years and have two sons, ages seven and four. We have always had a tumultuous marriage. I used to have very bad jealousy about my wife's past and would make her feel guilty about the things she had done. I also have had a terrible temper where I've yelled, screamed (sometimes in her face), thrown things, etc. One time I accidentally hit her when punching the bed. I have also been controlling, have tracked her whereabouts via her iPhone, and have even made her feel bad about spending time with her family sometimes (I did this because she would stay out until 3 AM with her sister, for example, without letting me know where she was, so I felt that her sister was a bad influence on her). In short, I've realized I've been very emotionally abusive to my wife.

My wife, in turn, has been very emotionally neglectful and disrespectful. When trying to talk with her, she would totally shut down, which used to spark my temper. She has also been sarcastic and rude and self-centered.

We both have had emotional affairs (more on my side) and mine went physical one time (no sex). I also stupidly flirted with one of her close friends several times (with inappropriate sexual talk), but I never meant for it to be anything more than blowing steam.

She's moved out in the past a couple of times and has threatened divorce a couple of times as well. But we always seemed to make it through.

With all this said, we have also had many very good and happy and loving times. I do believe the good times have outweighed the bad times; however, I also know that the ratio wasn't good enough between the good and bad. But we've had a lot of fun raising the boys, going on trips, have had great sex, etc.

My wife moved out with the kids on 10/15/14, hit me with an Order of Protection banning me from them for 2 1/2 weeks, and also filed for divorce.

I am the biggest idiot in the world because in the past few months I thought our marriage was improving. Her leaving was a gigantic wake-up call and forced me to confront my awful behavior throughout our marriage.

I had no idea my wife was hurting so deeply. I should've known. Her leaving and threatening divorce should've woken me up, but it took this crisis to finally wake me up. With all this said, I am 100%, honestly and totally committed to never again make the mistakes I've made in the past and to be the husband and father I always should've been. Here's what I have done in the meantime to help with that:

• Voluntarily joined an abuse intervention and life skills program where my eyes have been opened to how truly emotionally and verbally and even physically abusive I have been.
• Returned to consistent visits with my individual counselor
• Sought treatment for my OCD (this bothered my wife quite a bit but wasn't the marriage-killer)
• Renewed my spiritual life and walk with God (both my wife and I have been life-long conservative Christians)
• Refused to use my home computer because of the temptations I'd have with it (porn, talking to other women, etc.)

I completely refuse to be the man I used to be with my wife and know that our old marriage is dead. But I so desire and wish for reconciliation, especially for the sake of my two boys. I know right now it's a waiting game and all I can do is pray and continue to make positive improvements in my life so that I will be a better man regardless if my wife comes back, but is there more I can do? I need help!

I am willing to be completely transparent about everything I've done on this forum but didn't want to make a very long first post. I am willing to answer any and every question and work as hard as I need to do save this marriage that is on the brink of divorce.

Thank you.

Despite how badly I've painted myself in my previous post, I do want to stress that my wife and I have had many very happy and pleasant times throughout the years. I do honestly believe that we have had many more good times than bad times, but I also know that's simply not enough. I'm not here to focus on the good times, though, because I know my wife has left because she does not feel safe with me. So I am focusing on all the crap I have done in hopes of getting help.

Also, here are some more pertinent details:

In the Order of Protection, my wife stated that I had recently drug her down the stairs, threw her out of the house, followed her to her parents' house and made her come back home. This is in reference to a situation about 2.5 months ago when she lied to my face and I kicked her out of the house. I did not drag her down the stairs violently (I don't remember doing this AT ALL and really don't believe I did. But in imagining why my wife would have said this, instead of just being dishonest with the court, I can only imagine that I may have pulled her down on her butt step by step like a child, but I really don't think I did this either). I did not throw her out of the house. I did not follow her or make her come home. Rather, I found her at her parents' house after being concerned about her and she told me she wanted to come home and to start over. This was music to my ears and the last couple of months have been very pleasant (son's birthday, our anniversary, other happy times). Which is why I was so surprised when she left.

She also stated that I yell and scream at her, which I've done in the past but honestly haven't done for months. She stated I've hit her, slapped her, punched her--I can only remember accidentally punching the side of her arm when mad in bed (and when I found out I felt awful) and accidentally slapping her one time while playing with her (we would sometimes play and wrestle and I would sometimes hurt her accidentally because I'm bigger). I have never physically hit her or hurt her on purpose! And she has never called the cops on me or ever said one word to me about her being afraid of me hitting her.

In the Order of Protection, she also stated that she was afraid for her life and that she was afraid I'd hurt the boys to get back at her. I have never, ever abused the boys and would never even think about hurting them for any reason. I have sucked as a husband, but I have always been a loving and doting father. In regards to her being afraid for her life, I was very confused by this because if she were truly afraid for her life, why did she live with me for so long and share so many happy and fun times with me? So, I have reason to believe in my reading about Order of Protection abuse that "I am afraid for my life" are the magic words a lawyer needs to use to get the Order of Protection automatically granted by the court. And I'm not bitter about this, just giving my opinion of the situation.

My wife ended up dropping the Order of Protection the day before the hearing date, which makes me believe she didn't truly believe everything she said in it and simply used it as a tactical move to get automatic, though temporary, custody of the boys. But I also think she used it to protect herself from my influence, because in the past when she threatened divorce I was able to talk her out of it. Does that make sense?

After the Order of Protection was dropped, her lawyer wanted us to have a mutual restraining order which bans any contact between my wife and myself except for emergency situations with the children. So, for the last 7 weeks I have had no contact with my wife at all! I have felt so helpless and hopeless.

There is more to say, but I don't want to put up a wall of text and scare away anyone who may be able to help.

My lawyer knows my goal is reconciliation, so our plan has been to simply sit tight and let my wife move the divorce process forward while asking for more time with the kids. I say asking for more time with the kids because even though my wife and I have the same legal rights to the kids right now, I've been letting her call the shots on visitation and such because I'm trying to show her that I'm not controlling the way I used to be. This has been my lawyer's advice as well.

My mother-in-law is the liaison my wife and I go through in dropping off the boys and picking the boys up. I was nervous about this because my MIL is of course in my wife's camp and my wife lives with her parents, and because we've had issues with each other in the past. But every single encounter I've had with my MIL has been warm and pleasant, and many of them have been positive.

For example, my MIL told me about a month ago that my wife is surprised I've not been fighting her, that they've been impressed with my pleasant attitude, that my wife wanted to stay by my side when she thought my abusive/controlling issues were caused by my OCD, and other things like that. This shows me that my wife must be ambivalent about this whole thing right now and that there's hope, but I'm afraid that as more weeks go by that my wife will feel less and less for me.

What can I do during this divorce process and restraining order so that I can make deposits into my wife's love bank and avoid any more withdrawals?

I believe her family is slowly noticing my changes, but I know they also don't believe that my changes will be permanent. I will be as patient as I need to be because I really love my wife and boys, but I'm also afraid because my counselor (whom I've seen for three years and who knows my situation very well, my wife pretty well, and also knows her family quite well) believes my wife needs the divorce as a symbolic gesture that her abusive and oppressive relationship is over, but he also believes that in two years she and I will be back together again as long as I stay on this path that I am now on thanks to my wife's wake-up call.

Thoughts? Sorry for saying so much, but I'm trying to be open and honest about everything so that I can get some good help.

Thank you!

I see that my topic was moved from the Divorce section to the Surviving an Affair section. Is there any way to get it moved back? Our infidelity isn't really the main issue. The main issue for my wife has been my abuse and control and right now there's a divorce filed that I'm trying to stop!

Hu myzel, welcome to Marriage Builders. I hope that you won't get defensive when we point out the problems here, because if you do, I don't give this much hope.

You tend to be very good at minimizing your behavior and that is alarming. I imagine your wife is alarmed too. Yelling, screaming, punching the bed, dragging her down the steps is all very abusive behavior. I don't care if you made the trains run on time, your bad behavior wipes out anything good you did because you are clearly a dangerous person. You are even more dangerous because you don't seem to comprehend this. You see nothing wrong with punching the bed in anger, for example and minimize your dragging her down the steps.

A few pointers and a couple of questions. We CAN help you get over this if you will listen to the advice.

1. are you an alcoholic? How often and how much do you drink? Do you go to bars?

2. Did you live together before marriage?

What is your explanation for why your marriage is so violent?

We know what the issues are. There are many, many issues and you are not divorced.

Melody, thank you for your response. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to minimize anything! I thought it was best for me to get the facts out here with my ramblings and explanations and such. But I'm sorry it came across like minimizing.

I fully believe that all of my yelling, screaming, punching the bed in anger, controlling her... all that stuff, I honestly believe it's despicable. I have spent the last month and a half reflecting on my awful behavior and feeling such remorse for the pain I've put my wife through. No defensiveness here. I know I have messed up BIG TIME and have been completely humbled during this process. I didn't realize during my marriage how awful my behavior was; it took my wife leaving to force me to realize the reality of what I've done. But that's why I'm here and why I'm in the abuse program, etc. I want help and I want to rebuild a stronger marriage!

I really am not trying to minimize the thing about me dragging my wife down the stairs. I mentioned that because that is what she wrote in the Order of Protection. However, I honestly have no recollection of dragging her down the stairs at all. I remember when I confronted her about lying to me (this is the day she claims I dragged her down the stairs), I told myself I would be calm and would not lose my temper, and I was proud of myself afterwards for handling her lying in a calm way. I honestly don't believe I dragged her down the stairs. The only thing I can possibly imagine happening--and I don't remember this happening at all either--is that I may have tried to scoot her down the stairs by her feet if she was refusing to leave. But I honestly wasn't being violent that day. There was no dragging my wife down the stairs by her hair while she was screaming or anything like that. I've simply spent the last month and a half wondering why my wife put this in the Order of Protection and trying to imagine what she thought happened. Did she lie in the Order of Protection to make me look bad? This has been a thought of mine. Did I scoot her down the stairs by her feet to get her out of the house and she was scared of this? Like I said, I don't remember doing this at all, but if it did it was the extent of what happened. But if she was scared by this, why did she stay with me for 2 more months afterwards and have many laughing and happy times with me?

Again, I'm not trying to minimize anything! I'm trying to be completely honest and am trying to see things from my wife's point of view. Even if I did scoot her down the stairs by her feet, I know that is completely unacceptable. I just simply don't remember dragging her or scooting her down the stairs at all.

1) I am not an alcoholic and do not drink at all. My wife doesn't drink either.

2) We were sexually active before marriage and I sometimes stayed the night at her parents' house where she lived, but we never lived together before marriage.

Thanks again, Melody, for responding and for your concerns. I know that despite the good times with my wife, all the laughter and love we had as a family, that she sees me now as a dangerous, scary man. I honestly don't think she's scared for her life, but her mother said that she's "broken", and I believe my wife is scared for her emotional and mental safety. I never battered her or beat her physically, but I fully admit that I battered her emotionally and mentally.

I have been a very dangerous man and I truly do see that punching the bed in anger is completely wrong. Please believe that I'm not trying to minimize anything. I am trying to be as humble and transparent as possible while trying to save my marriage and family now that I've realized just how despicable I've been.

Thank you very much.

Also, I should probably say more about my belief that my wife is scared for her emotional and mental safety.

Her mother told me that my wife is emotionally "broken", that my wife wants me "out of her head". Her father has also told me of a time when he called my wife, asked her how she was, and she said, "I don't know, let me ask husband." This broke my heart when he told me this, and I believe my wife's family thinks that what my wife means by wanting me "out of her head" is that she doesn't want to put up with my criticisms of her decisions or actions anymore, that she doesn't want to have to double-check her words or actions before she does something out of fear that I might get mad, things like that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have been an awful, abusive husband but now that I've seen who I've been and what I've lost, I truly wish to change and be the man I always should have been.

Melody, you asked: What is your explanation for why your marriage is so violent?

I think the root of my abuse/control issues is insecurity. I was afraid of my wife not loving me, of her disrespecting me, of her betraying me. I think I was always afraid of losing her, and so I often misinterpreted her actions and behavior as being disrespectful towards me. I don't know if that makes sense.

Sometimes I'd try to talk with my wife about our issues, but she would completely ignore me and shut me out without saying a word. When this happened, I would often lose my temper, so I think a big reason why I lost my temper was my inability to deal with my wife's emotional shutdowns.

Also, due to my insecurity, I had a hard time dealing with my wife's sexual past, even though it wasn't that bad. So when she did something rude to me, I wouldn't react just to the rude action but to all the resentment I already had about her past, and this would set me off. And then over time, there'd be more and more resentment in my heart towards her based not just on my feelings about her past, but all the other negative interactions that built off of the way I dealt with her past. And this resentment would then blow up when my wife was sarcastic or would be rude or stay out till 3 AM, for example.

It sucks to realize all this. I wish I had controlled my emotions better. I never wanted to hurt my wife or blow up at her, ever. I would often apologize afterwards, but I never saw the emotional wounds that I caused in her. She wouldn't tell me. She loved me too much, I think, to fight back or to open up about how I was hurting her. And I think overtime she became afraid to tell me.

You don't want to be in the divorce section, then.

This is what I mean by minimizing. When you say you "might have tried to scoot her down the steps" that means you dragged or FORCED her down the stairs. So yes, you are minimizing. Being FORCED down the stairs is just as violent as dragging her down by her hair. So when you say this, it makes ME wonder how serious you are really are. You can DENY this is minimization, but that just makes you look less than serious. People who minimize their actions also deny, deny, deny, deny and the problem never gets solved. That is why I mentioned this right up front.

We can help you if you eliminate the minimization and the denial.


AGree. You battered her emotionally which is much worse. All the laughter and good times are poisoned by the bad memories for her. She doesn't think of good times around you, she remembers being abused and forced down the stairs. If she is not physically SCARED of you, SHE SHOULD BE. A man who forces a woman down the stairs is not safe.

But we can help you become SAFE if you will get into an anger management program and get your anger problem completely resolved. That should be the first step in your recovery.

Once you start in anger management, I would start working on a plan for martial reconciliation that you can take to your MIL as an offer to your wife. If she accepts that, you might want to set up contact via email that is supervised by a coach/counselor who can monitor your communications.

myzel, this is really irrational, and I don't think you understand the situation.

If you put your hand on your wife to make her do ANYTHING, then that act is violence. There is no way to drag your wife down the stairs non-violently. If you are touching her to make her do something she doesn't want to do (like leave the home), then that is violence.

It does not matter that she "lied to your face." By the way, even using that phrase tells me you have a serious anger problem. You are emphasizing how bad the lie was, as if that somehow justifies what you did. There's no difference between "lied" and "lied to my face." None at all. The difference is: you did something violent and you want to justify it.

myzel, why should your wife want to stay married to you?

Okay, thanks. I'm new here and didn't know. I know that in my quote above I come across as controlling. I'm truly trying to stop that, but the fear of my situation/divorce has made it really hard for me to not try to control any aspect of my life that hasn't been taken from me (taken for good reason, I admit).

myzel:

1. Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

It's no good that you are trying to stop that. She shouldn't take you back until you actually HAVE stopped that.

And it's not that you "come across" as controlling. It's that you ARE controlling. You are an abusive, controlling husband.

So was I.

The first step in controlling anger is to accept and admit that your anger is caused by YOU. Check out this thread: Anger Management 101

Melody and markos: thank you! You are completely right about my minimizing. For some reason I thought "scooting" her down the stairs was better than dragging her down the stairs. But I was wrong to ever touch her in a way she didn't feel comfortable with, no matter how I touched her or my intent.

I really, honestly don't remember dragging her down the stairs or forcing her down the stairs at all, though. What do I do about this? Do I just choose to believe my wife and assume I must have done this, but because my intentions were not to hurt her that I didn't think much about it? It really does scare me that I may have dragged her down the stairs and not remember it at all!

I never thought about how I'm trying to manipulate things when I say "lied to my face" instead of "lie", like the former was worse and justification for whatever I did. Thank you for pointing that out.

I want to be safe. I do not want to be violent anymore, whether it's physically violent or emotionally violent.

I have no read the Basic Concepts yet. I will do so tonight. I have read many of the articles and letters.

2. You were also wrong to try to kick her out of the house, right?


3. When you signed up for this forum, there's a place where you say you have read the Basic Concepts. Why did you lie about it? Do you lie to your wife as well?

Please stop being dramatic about it. It doesn't help anything that you are "scared." It doesn't mean you are going to stop or become safe. So just leave out all the drama about how you feel about it.

If you want your wife back, show it by actions rather than words and feelings.

Then why did you say you "might have scooted her down the stairs?" How do you explain that you don't know?? Were you on narcotics?


It doesn't matter what your intentions were; it matters what you did. A drunk driver doesn't "intend" to run over pedestrians but his actions are harmful. FORCING your wife down the stairs is VIOLENT.


How do you explain this?